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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23566279">Walk me Through the Dark</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaXxWolf225522/pseuds/MaXxWolf225522'>MaXxWolf225522</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Arron Hotchner - Fandom, Criminal Minds (US TV), Derek Morgan - Fandom, Moreid - Fandom, Spencer Reid - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Addiction, Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Criminal Profiling, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Family, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Morgan and Reids friendship are total goals, PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychology, Relapse, Spencers drug use needed to be shown more, mental health, tobais hankel, two boys deserve more</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 19:15:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>70,630</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23566279</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaXxWolf225522/pseuds/MaXxWolf225522</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Moreid - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>191</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer sat in the corner of his bathroom, his head in his hands. His bloodshot eyes stared at the vial and syringe that sat on the counter above him. He didn't want to do it, he didn't want to have his heart racing at the thought of being able to escape.</p>
<p>"It helps" Tobias's voice whispered into Reid's ear. A shutter slipped down Spencers spine, his hands unraveling from his hair and pressed against the floor and wall to help him stand up. Spencer took a step toward the bathroom counter, his hands trembling and sweat growing on his hairline. His heart was beating his ribcage and the adrenaline and excitement coming from anticipating the drugs made Reid sick. He was disgusted in himself, but he needed it. The ache was starting to grow stronger. He used that morning, gave him enough to get through the day but he had gotten home not too long ago and was itching for another fix. Spencer brought his fingers up to his lips, pressing them tightly against them as his mind reeled. This was always the worst part, he hated not being in complete control of his mind and body, but, but Dilaudid gave him the option of just escaping for a bit. Spencer looked up at his reflection in the bathroom mirror.</p>
<p>The drug attaches to receptors in the brain and central nervous system to dull pain. Dilaudid also triggers the release of excessive amounts of dopamine in the brain, causing pleasurable feelings. This activates the reward center of the brain, which interprets the event as something that is important and should be repeated. The more this happens, the less the brain will naturally produce dopamine, and the more reliant the body becomes on Dilaudid. The facts raced through Spencer's mind but instead of grounding him, it just seemed to give the weak side of him an excuse.</p>
<p>"I can quit" he mutters, gripping the vial and slowly inserting the needle into it. "But my dopamine levels are impacted" he clears his throat, not sure why he was talking outloud but here he was. "I'll just slowly lower my dosage and then i'll be fine" he nods to himself like all of this was making perfect sense. Spencer moved the syringe toward the crook of his arm, which was exposed as he had rolled up his sleeves. He flicked his arm a few times before injecting the needle.</p>
<p>"I can quit" he whispers, shuttering as his veins chilled and the feeling quickly spread into his body. He dropped the syringe onto his counter, before stumbling back and slamming his back into the wall. He let out a low moan of pleasure as he slid down the wall, landing haphardarly. His legs sprawled out in almost painful directions.</p>
<p>This was what he wanted.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His mind no longer raced, instead it was blank, absolutely empty. The lights were no longer too harsh on his eyes, the texture of his clothing no longer prickled at the back of his mind. The anxiety that constantly settled in his chest, dissipated.</p>
<p>This was what he needed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer woke up in a daze, his neck had a slight kink in it due to him being slumped over on his bathroom floor. He stood up on wobbly legs and gathered up the mess he made. He put the syringe and vial back in their hiding spot, straightened up the sink, then left the room. He stopped at the floorboard three spaces from his bed, and knelt down. Slowly lifting up the wood he pulled out a small bag from underneath, letting the wood snap back into place, which made his ears ring. He shouldn't have done that, but the effects of the drugs were still lingering in his system and instead of going into one of his usual fidgeting responses, he just shook his head before opening the bag. He counted the vials that clinked together, he had enough to last into the next week if he paced them out more, but he should be getting more soon. He put the bag back under the floorboard, moving the leg of his arm chair so it covered it.</p><p>He walked over to his dresser, his body still hanging onto that floaty feeling and it made his hands need to reach for his drawer twice before being able to open it. He peeled off his work clothes, settling on a pair of pajamas that matched, and the texture was soft and worn down. He went over to his side table, grabbing his glasses before returning to the bathroom. </p><p>Spencer removed his contacts, and shoved the glasses onto his nose. It was then he noticed his mouth was dry so he shuffled out toward his kitchen. While getting a glass of water, his eyes landed on the clock and he almost choked on the sip he was taking. He had been passed out for almost four hours. He finished the water, placing the cup in the sink and headed to bed. Once under his blankets it was then he noticed his phone kept lighting up. He had several missed calls from his team. </p><p>Oh god did they have another case?</p><p>Spencer sat up, dragging his hand down his face as the other opened the phone and called Morgan.</p><p>"Hey kid!" Morgan answered on the second ring, "we all went out for drinks, where are you at? Why didn't you pick up your phone?" Spencer could hear the loudness of the bar Morgan was at, glancing at his other missed texts Spencer assumed it was Morgan, and all the girls.</p><p>"Sorry" Spencer cleared his throat, "not tonight"</p><p>"You ok kid?" Morgans surrounding got quieter, meaning he either left the bar or went into the bathroom. "We were honestly getting a little worried when you didn't answer your phone"</p><p>"Well I was busy" Spencer snapped, anger suddenly filling his chest, "I have a life outside of work you know!" Spencer spit out the last words, his hand clenching around his phone.</p><p>"Whoa, kid sorry"</p><p>"Stop calling me kid!" Spencer growled, before hanging up. Suddenly fully awake and enraged Spencer stood up from his bed, pacing around his room. Why do they always have to treat him like a child? He's not a kid, he's a fully capable adult, who has a life.</p><p> </p><p>"No you don't" Tobias's dry chuckle stopped Reid in his tracks. The anxiety pricked up his back and into his chest once again.</p><p>"Leave me alone!" He shrieks, flinging the first thing he grabbed in the direction of Tobais's voice, the pillow hit the wall and landed with a light thud on the floor. Spencer's chest was heaving now, he was overwhelmed, he couldn't pinpoint what he was feeling because he was feeling everything too strongly. He was pissed, but scared, but why was he scared? He was safe in his home. Why was he pissed again? Oh yea his team, but he loved his team. He pushed his palms against the temples of his head. Letting out a frustrated groan. His phone rang, Reid let it go to voicemail.</p><p>It rang again, Spencer saw Morgans name and hung up on the man, cutting the ringing short. Spencer went and picked up the pillow he threw, his hands trembling as he tightened his grip on the thing and hugged it tight to his chest. His phone rang again, this time, adding to the growing marching band that was screaming in Spencers head. Too much was happening right now.</p><p>His phone rang again.</p><p>Spencer threw the pillow onto the bed, scooping up the phone and answering it,</p><p>"Morgan fuck off!" He yelled, his voice reaching a level that made him wince but that was quickly pushed away by the rage that pressed against his skin and made him unable to stand still.</p><p>"Whoa spence it's me" JJ's voice made Spencer freeze.</p><p>"Oh, uh sorry JJ I uh" Spencer stopped talking pinching the bridge of his nose and stomping his foot. Feeling childish but he needed to move and feel.</p><p>"Listen, we were getting worried and so I decided to call you, is everything ok?"</p><p>"Yea, everythings fine '' Spencer forced a smile even though JJ couldn't see him.</p><p>"You sure? Because I can come over, trust me I'd rather be with you than here right now" JJ chuckles. JJ couldn't come over, she couldn't see him like this.</p><p>"I'm actually about to go to bed so i'll just see you tomorrow?"</p><p>"Oh, ok then yea see you tomorrow, good night spence"</p><p>"Goodnight" Spencer quickly hung up, dropping his phone onto his side table and resuming his pacing.</p><p>He needed it.</p><p>But he just had it.</p><p>He needed to get off it.</p><p>Just one more time.</p><p>He already had it twice today.</p><p>But the jackhammering in his chest made the decision for him. He couldn't go to bed like this, he was only taking it so he could sleep. Yes, just so he could sleep so he could be productive at work tomorrow and be a functioning adult.</p><p>Spencer was quick to extract the drug from the vial into the syringe, not paying attention to how much he got, instead just sticking himself and not caring how it got into his system, just that it did. He quickly dropped the materials into the sink and stumbled over to his bed, already losing feelings in his legs. His eyes were weighed down but he somehow managed to climb into bed and get under the blankets. He didn't turn his light off though, not that he's been doing much of that lately anyways. His already pre existing fear of the dark amplified after his kidnapping. Luckily Duliduad took that fear away from him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Spencer peeled his eyes open, it took him a moment to realize that the sun coming through his window wasn't right. Usually when he woke up, the sun hadn't arrived yet, and by the time he got to the subway, the sun was in the sky. It was then Spencer realized he was late. </p><p>He jerked, up, his head feeling like it was full of cotton. His eyes squinted at his clock but he couldn't see and he couldn't find his glasses. His hands slapped the table and the bed around him until they came in contact with the hard frames. He pushed the frames on and gasped when he finally saw the time.</p><p>He was so incredibly late.</p><p>Reid stumbled out of bed, the blankets twisting around him and making him almost fall flat on his face. He let out a frustrated cry and got himself untangled and beelined to his dresser. He didn't have time for a shower. He pulled on a pair of slacks, and picked up the same shirt he wore yesterday, not bothering to tuck it in before layering a sweater vest over it.</p><p>"Good enough"</p><p>He grabbed his bag, his hand instinctively going in and fumbling around while he walked to his kitchen until he felt the small vial he kept in there. He didn't have time right now, he had to use it later. Hopefully before he started craving it again, as he could still feel some of it in his system as everything seems slightly out of focus. Spencer grabbed his sunglasses and keys and hurried out the door. </p><p>The subway was crowded, he hated that, usually he woke up early so he could avoid the crowds. He kept fidgeting with his bag on the ride, keeping his face casted down and hiding behind his sunglasses and messy hair. When he finally reached his stop he burst through the doors, rushing up the stairs at an achenly rate. His calves burned but he needed to get out of there before his chest exploded. He hauled up to the truck parked across from the office, barking his coffee order.</p><p>The lady at the counter seemed slightly alarmed at the harshness of Spencer's voice but he couldn't find it in him to care. When he got his coffee he hurried off, rushing up to his office. When he got there he noticed everyone wasn't at their desks and he could see them gathered around the round table.</p><p>"Damn it" he huffs under his breath, rushing in and quickly taking his seat. The group got quiet for a minute before resuming the debriefing of their case. Spencer took a sip of his coffee and winced, wasn't enough sugar, they never put enough sugar in it. </p><p> Spencer wasn't paying attention to the case, his head wouldn't settle. Instead it was focusing on the lights and how harsh they were even though he had sunglasses on. It was focusing on the fact that he had to keep his leg bouncing or he definitely would explode and he didn't want to make his team scrape his guts off the conference room walls. He couldn't focus on the brutally murdered people on the screen because instead he was focusing on how he had his bag in his lap and he could feel the vial pressing against his side, nothing but a thick piece of leather between the two.</p><p>Spencer couldn't focus on how his friends were shooting him concerned glances because instead he couldn't stop thinking about how many steps away the jug of sugar was from him.</p><p>34.5 steps.</p><p>Maybe 25 if he rushed.</p><p>He took another swing of coffee and cursed under his breath when the hot beverage burned the roof of his mouth.</p><p>Why did he do that? Because it was there? Because the warm cardboard he fingers gripped made his insides feel hollow and he needed to warm up now.</p><p> He needed to shoot up now.</p><p>No he couldn't, Hotch was standing,</p><p>"Wheels up in thirty"</p><p>Oh maybe he could, if he hurried. He just needed a little, to ease him. </p><p>Spencer stood quickly, ignoring how his vision dimmed and his feet became unsteady and he quickly rushed to the small counter the office had with all the coffee condiments. He poured the sugar into his cup, not caring that he added so much that the dark liquid was now dripping over the edge of the cup and running down to pool on the counter.</p><p>"Hey kid" Morgan's voice startled Spencer.</p><p>"Uh, hi"</p><p>"You ok?"</p><p>"Yea why wouldn't I be?" Spencer put the lid back onto his cup, he really needed to get to the bathroom.</p><p>"Well you where late"</p><p>"So" Spencer snapped, making Morgan raise his eyebrows</p><p>"You're never late." Morgan replied, holding his hands up in a questioning manner.</p><p>"Well today I am, now excuse me I need to use the restroom" Spencer's voice was harsh and it threw Morgan off guard, he had never heard the young man speak like that, especially to him. Derek was so shocked that he didn't fight Spencer asd the young man walked past him, beelining toward the bathroom. Morgan shook his head before returning to his desk and grabbing his go bag. He noticed Spencer's  go bag on his desk and grabbed the geniuses bag for him. Then with a shake of his head Morgan followed Emily out to the plane.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer stood in the bathroom looking at his reflection, his lip curled up in almost a snarl. After blinking a few times he noticed his face had fallen to a blank look and he then noticed the amount of time he wasted staring at his goddamn reflection. His hands scrambled in his bag and when they wrapped around the vial he felt the tightness in his chest shift. He stumbled back, hitting his shoulder on the edge of the stall as he hurried to get into the handicapped stall. There he dropped his bag to the floor, his hands holding the syringe and vial.</p><p>Just a little.</p><p>He only needed a little to take the edge off.</p><p>Spencer pushed his sleeve up, not bothering to roll it and brought the needle to his skin. The prick didn't even register as he injected the liquid. He bit his lip to hold back his moan as he head rolled back, ecstasy trickling through his veins. His whole body stopped shaking, the irritation stalled and instead he just felt blissfully numb. Not too numb that he couldn't function, but, enough that he actually could function.</p><p>"I needed this' ' he whispers, placing the materials back into his bag and stepping out of the stall.</p><p>He hurried into the hallway and noticed the bullpen was empty, everyone was probably on the jet. Spencer fumbled with his coffee as he tried to find his go-bag, it wasn't on his desk.</p><p>"What the fuck" he growled, the irritation coming back this time coupled with panic, everything he was trying to escape. That just made it worse. He gave up looking, realizing that if he didn't book it to the tarmac now they would be late and the whole team would be pissed. Spinning on his heels he booked it.</p><p>Climbing the plane stairs almost two at a time Spencer came bursting into the cabin.</p><p>"Sorry" he panted, "couldn't find my go bag" he turned sideways to avoid touching any one as he stormed past them, slumping down on in the corner as far away from his team as he could get.</p><p>"Pretty boy" Morgan yelled, making Spencer look up from his coffee cup. Morgan gestured to where they stored the bags, "I grabbed it for you"</p><p>"Why, I'm not capable of handling my own things?" Spencer spit out, making the entire team cease their separate conversations and turn to gawk at Reid.</p><p>"What? No Reid I was just being friendly" Morgan had his brows furrowed, his head tilted as he tried to figure out why his best friend was acting so harshly toward him.</p><p>Everyone slowly turned away, resuming their conversations in hesitents whispers. Hotch kept glancing back at Spencer, who had slid down in his seat, brought his knees up to his chest, and was leaning with his head against the wall. The sunglasses made them unable to tell if the young man's eyes were open or not but when his breathing evened out they assumed he had fallen asleep. Morgan stood up and walked over to sit next to Hotch who quickly gave the younger man his full attention.</p><p>"Is something going on with Reid?" Morgan asked, figuring if anyone knew anything it would be Hotch. Before Hotch could answer though Morgan continued, "has he been snapping at everyone or just me? Had I done something?" Morgan usually would go right to the source and talk this out, but every time he was around Reid, it was like everything he did was wrong.</p><p>"I'm not sure" Hotch says in a low voice, his gaze leaving Morgan's eyes and looking over at Reid.  Morgan sighed and slumped back into the seat. "I'll talk to him about it" Hotch says, nodding at Morgan before dismissing the conversation and returning to the case file he had in his hand.</p><p>When the plane landed, Spencer still hadn't woken up. JJ took the job of waking him up, nodding at the others as they filed off before walking over to the sleeping man. She gently touched his shoulder,</p><p>"Spencer?" she said softly, not wanting to startle the young man. When he didn't react, she shook his shoulder harder,</p><p>"Spencer, " she said louder, jumping back when he jerked forward, a ragged gasp dragging his lungs. "We uh, we landed '' she said once he calmed down. Spencer nodded, pushing his sunglasses further up his nose and standing up. JJ pretended to not see how unsteady he was on his legs, how he stumbled slightly for a few steps before appearing to get them under control.  She didn't see however, that he winced when they stepped out of the plane and onto the stairs, the sunlight sending a stabbing pain into his skull.</p><p>The drive to the police station they were stationed at was quiet for Reid, his head resting against the window, and vibrations from the drive making his headache worse. Eventually he pulled away and instead leaned his head back on the headrest. </p><p>Emily sat next to him, making sure she stayed as far away from him as she could as she leaned forward to talk to Morgan and Hotch who sat in the front seats. It felt like Reid was projecting a force field around him. The team already knew to keep their distance from the genius as he didnt like to be touched, but this was totally different, this felt like the air was heavy around him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> When they reached the station, Spencer sat up, quickly getting out of the car and walking toward the front doors of the police station. He walked up and stood behind JJ and Hotch who stood introducing the team to the sheriff.</p><p>"-Jason Gideon, SSA Derek morgan, and back there is Dr. Spencer Reid '' Hotch finished, everyone shook hands except for Spencer. Who stood a few feet behind everyone and didn't even acknowledge that he'd been introduced.</p><p>The team followed the sheriff into the building and into the room that they would be using as a base. Spencer didn't speak, he just brushed past Hotch and set his bag on a chair before reaching over the table and pulling a case file closer to him.</p><p>"Spencer I want you on the geological profile-" Reid tuned out Hotchner's voice as soon as he got his assignment, instead he stepped up to the blank board, pinning up a map of the city. Spencer grabbed push pins and placed where the victims had been found. They had three prostitutes that were discarded in back alleys, all with the same burn marks on their side, and ligature marks on their wrists and neck. Each victim was placed almost exactly a mile apart, so close that it looked as though the UNSUB had purposely mapped out the area down to the feet. They formed almost a triangle.</p><p>Spencer had zoned out and hadn't noticed the team conversing behind him. He didn't notice when Emily came and went several times with more coffee and eventually food. He didn't notice when Derek slammed his hands on the table in frustration. Spencer didn't notice that his food went cold, untouched, behind him on the table. Instead sipping on his coffee that he also didn't notice miraculously stayed full. That was because the team kept filling it up whenever they got coffee themselves, adding more and more as it was drunk.</p><p>Spencer had the boards all set up and new notes and clues lined up in their corresponding positions. He almost didn't notice Hotch was talking until he heard the location of another body being found. Spencer snapped his head around, grabbing a pin and placing it in its spot.</p><p>"A square" he said, the first thing he's said since getting on the plane that morning. JJ came up and stood beside him, squinting at the board.</p><p>"Why though? What's the significance?" Her arms crossed over her chest and she shifted closer to Spencer, who instinctively leaned away. Having been broken from the trance of working, it was then Spencer noticed his stomach was sore, hungry. He turned around and saw his uneaten burger and fries.</p><p>"Mine?" He asked no one in particular, he got several nods and hums. He slumped down in his chair, pulling the food close to him. Surprisingly he only managed about three bites of the food before having to push it away, this time his stomach was rolling. Although he wasn't sure if it was from the cold, hours old burger, or from the act of eating itself.</p><p>He turned back to the case file, now with a new picture added on the top. The woman looked like all the others, dark hair, same burn marks, same ligature marks.</p><p>Spencer can't tell you what happened the rest of that day, instead he could only focus on the ever increasing ache in his chest. He tried to hide his trembling hands in his lap, sitting crisscrossed in the chair, and occasionally spinning around in it.</p><p>"You need it" Tobias whispered, making Spencer stop spinning, his wide eyes gazing ahead of him at nothing.</p><p>"Spencer?" JJ's voice replaced Tobias and Spencer had to shake his head, leaning down and pinching the bridge of his nose. "You ok?"</p><p>"M'fine" he says lowly, before standing up and grabbing his bag. He leaves the room without a word, leaving a confused Emily and JJ in his wake.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer spent the next half hour in the bathroom,  trying to take deep breaths. He stood hunched over a sink, his hands clenching around the porcelain and making his knuckles white.  The air coming through his throat felt hot and uncomfortable. Why couldn't he breathe? </p><p>He took a step back before turning the faucet on and cupping his hands under the running water. He splashes water onto his face a few times before his eyes trailed up and saw their reflection. The skin around his eyes looked bruised, this wasn't new, but it was a lot darker than usual. Water dripped off the end of his nose and he sniffled before standing up and reaching for the paper towel.  After taking another deep breath he turned to and opened the door, right into Gideon.</p><p>"Hey, I was looking for you" the older man smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "We are heading back to the hotel, turning in for the night" Gideon steps back, holding an arm out for Spencer to walk past him. Spencer nods and does just that, hunching his shoulders as he walks next to his mentor to the dark SUV waiting for them in the parking lot.</p><p>Again the drive to the hotel was quiet, this time Morgan drove, Gideon in the passenger seat and Spencer in the back.  Once reaching their destination the men all silently got out of the car, grabbing their go-bags from the trunk. Reid followed the other two, his head down and focusing on placing one foot in front of the other.</p><p>"Morgan your with Reid" Gideons voice made the youngest snap his head up.</p><p>"Ok, come on pretty boy '' Morgan says, throwing a smile at Reid, which was missed because he was now glaring at the floor again. If he had to room with Morgan, there was no doubt that Derek was going to pester him about how he's been acting lately.</p><p>The two entered the musty hotel room, the key sticking slightly and making Derek groan. Reid quickly pushed past Morgan and ran into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him.</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan's voice and knock made anger flare up in Spencer's chest. He seriously couldn't have one moment alone? Derek didn't say anything else, it fell silent on the other side of the door. Spencer put his hands on the counter, stepping back so he was leaning over, his forehead almost touching the counter.</p><p>Then he stood up, sighing before reaching toward his bag. </p><p>It's been seven hours.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His back hit the wall and Spencers hands sprawled against the wall to keep himself up.</p><p>Ok maybe a little too much.</p><p>He leaned against the wall and walked toward the shower, turning on the water to the shower. His numb fingers fumbling with the buttons on his shirt before he let out an angry growl. He got his pants off, and returned to his shirt. After struggling for a few more minutes he just grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it off over his head, the button snagged on his hair and he yanked harshly before it tore away, taking strands of hair with it.  He cursed under his breath before throwing the shirt into the pile of discarded clothes near the door. </p><p>The water was hot, turning his skin pink and it prickled but Spencer forced himself to stay under the water. He rolled his neck, the water spraying over the top of his head and hitting his face.  He rolled his shoulders, the hot water, combined with the Dilaudid coursing through his system, this was what he needed.</p><p>His knees wobbled, but before Spencer could stop himself, he was falling to the floor. He landed awkwardly on his legs but his brain didn't register the pain that was supposed to come from landing on them and smashing into the wall.</p><p>"Spencer?"  Morgan's voice came through the door, but Spencer just smiled as his vision kept unfocusing. "Reid?" he heard the knob turning but he was grateful he locked it.</p><p>"Go away '' Spencer yelled, well he meant to yell it but he wasn't sure if he had or not. He couldn't tell if his mouth moved at all.</p><p>It must've been because Morgan fell quiet and stopped bothering Spencer. Whose head had fallen back to rest on the wall, and his arms laid limply at his sides. He wasn't sure how long he spaced on on the ground but when he came too, the water was freezing and his whole body was shivering, his teeth clattering and making his headache come back. He took a few minutes to get his arms to move when he told them too but eventually he had turned off the shower, and now had to focus on getting his legs to corporate. When he finally did, he almost face planted, grabbing the edge of the counter and sealing his lips to try and contain the laughter that was bubbling up his throat.</p><p>Why was he laughing? He wasn't sure, but he still felt floaty and just, good.</p><p>He pulled out pajamas from his go bag, letting out a bark of laughter when he accidently put both legs in one pant leg. After a few seconds he laughed again when he realised he was trying to get his head through an arm hole of his shirt.  He pushed the dirty clothes into an empty compartment of his go bag and grabbed his other bag, holding the bags to his chest he unlocked the door and stepped out. He saw Morgan's form on the bed closest to the door, his upper half rising and falling evenly.</p><p>He was asleep, good.</p><p>Spencer set his stuff on the desk chair and plugged his phone in, before walking toward the bed. He pulled the blanket back and had to push his fist against his mouth to stifle another fit of laughter.  Spencer crawled into the bed, unable to wipe the giddly smile off his face. He couldn't get his foggy brain to focus enough to try and figure out why he was so slap happy but he really didn't care because the warm feeling in his chest was replacing the anxiety and that felt good.</p><p>He felt so good.</p><p>"Reid"  Morgan's voice made Spencer suck in a sharp breath of surprise. "We need to talk" The giddiness and warm feeling Spencer had in his chest vanished. Spencer kept his mouth shut, his tongue suddenly feeling too heavy to move.</p><p>"First" he heard Morgan shift in his bed, most likely sitting up, "you just spent over an hour in the shower" Derek paused but when Spencer didn't respond, he took a deep breath before continuing. "And you've been super off lately, what's wrong man, you know you can talk to me" Spencer stayed still, his gaze still slightly unfocused and directed toward the ceiling.</p><p>"Reid" Morgan sounded closer, and when he shifted his eyes, Spencer saw that the older man now stood above him near his bed. The emotions inside of Spencer were all over the place, he couldn't describe it, they all felt like they were where an arms reach away. But the only coherent feeling was the feeling of, of yellow? His head kept imagining a yellow light in his chest, he liked it.  Another laugh left Spencers lips, startling Morgan. Then just as soon as the laugh left his mouth, Spencer snapped it shut and his eyes hardened, glaring at Morgan's direction, but not directly on the man. No they looked unseeing.</p><p>"Kid are you ok?" Morgan asked concern mixing with his confusion and he leaned down more so his face was now directly above Spencers.</p><p>"Leave me alone" Reid snarled, lifting his numb arms and trying to push Morgan's shoulder but instead the hand just laid there. Spencer didn't have much control over his limbs right now. Morgans brows were drawn in concern and he used his hand that wasn't pressed against the mattress keeping him up, and went to touch Spencer's forehead.</p><p>Suddenly Spencer seemed to regain control and he smacked the incoming hand away, before rolling over and standing up on the floor between the bed and the wall.</p><p>"Im fine Morgan!" Spencer snapped, rage making him clench his trembling hands into fists.</p><p>"No you clearly are not!" Derek yelled right back, matching Spencers volume.  Spencer tried to hang onto the numb feeling that still laid in his veins, he clenched his eyes shut and tried to focus on that. He tried to bring back that warm feeling, the feeling of yellow.</p><p>"Reid!" Morgans yelling made the younger man open his eyes, but he didn't see his friend. Instead, Spencer saw barn doors. Instead of the lamp on the hotel table, Spencer's surroundings were being lit from the bare bulb that swung above his head.</p><p>"No, no no no '' Spencer moans, closing his eyes and slowly trying to move his body. When he found he wasn't tied to that chair, the handcuffs wherent digging into his wrists. No, now he was standing. More so swaying, matching the speed of the bulb above him.</p><p>Spencer could hear Morgan yelling his name from outside the barn door.</p><p>They found him.</p><p>But where was Tobias?</p><p>Spencer's eyes slowly move around the room, afraid to leave the safe ring of light, and trying to get his blurry vision to see into every dark corner.</p><p>Where was Tobias?</p><p>"Spencer!" Morgans voice sounded closer but Spencer didn't want to move. Suddenly the light flickers off and Spencer feels the fear freeze his body. When he felt hands grabbing his shoulders he pushed away, bringing his arms up and swinging wildly in the dark air around him. His breathing came out in huff's and low whines and he frantically tried to get away. The hands grabbed his waist and Spencer tried kicking out his legs. Instead he felt himself falling, but instead of the hard floor he was expecting, Spencer landed on a cloud. The body above him still pressed down on him. Hands held his wrists above his head and he felt legs sitting around his hips, pressure on his hips and upper legs, not allowing him to move at all. Spencer felt tears slip down the sides of his face, which was shaking back and forth.</p><p>"No, no please" he squeaks, his voice sounding so small.</p><p>"Spencer!" Morgans voice made Spencer freeze, his body tensing. "Reid? " Morgan said quieter, but Spencer did not respond. His unfocused eyes stared at the ceiling, even when Morgan moved his head into Reids line of vision, the younger man still didn't see him. </p><p>Morgans chest was heaving, his body starting to shake as the adrenalin slowly started to dissipate but the fear still held strong. Morgan sat on Spencers hips, his hands gripping the younger man's wrists and pushing them into the mattress. Spencer stopped thrashing, but he laid there completely still. If it wasn't for his chest moving up and down, and the slight twitching of his arms, Morgan would've thought the man had died. Morgan didn't miss the tears slipping down Spencer's face, nore the wobbling of his bottom lip.  Spencer's wrists tugged weakly again, and Morgan loosened his grip but didn't let go. Still afraid of what he just witnessed.</p><p>Morgan knew something was up but seeing Spencer completely spaced out and then had an episode, Morgan wasn't prepared for that.</p><p>Morgan knew Spencer was still being affected by that kidnapping, it's only been a few months since they found him crumpled in that graveyard. Once the realization hit him, Morgan quickly sprung off Spencer. Of course Spencer would have retreated into himself, he was being restrained and was already no doubt experiencing a PTSD episode based on his reactions and words. Morgan didn't know what to do, he knew that he needed to restrain Spencer to keep him from hurting himself, as well as Morgan. Well not so much Morgan, the few hits Spencer managed to land on him, more so startled him than hurt him but still.</p><p>Morgan sat down next to Spencer, who slowly started moving his limbs, realizing he was free.</p><p>"Spencer?" Morgan said softly, watching as the younger man curled into himself, turning so his back was to the older agent. "Reid?" Morgan wanted to reach out to touch spencers back, that laid there trembling, but he didn't. Instead he sighed, letting his head fall backward and stared at the popcorn ceiling.</p><p>Morgan didn't know what to do.</p><p>But at least now he understood, Spencer probably wasn't really mad at anyone on the team, he was just struggling. The young doctor was struggling, but he was putting those walls up and trying to handle it all by himself. Morgan didn't know what to do.</p><p>"Kid?" He leaned forward, trying to see over Spencers shoulder but the kid had his face hidden in the pillow. "Spencer, please don't lock me out, let me help '' Morgan almost begged, his nose burning as the emotions threatened to take over him.</p><p>"Im fine" Spencer croaks, his voice sounded flat, empty.</p><p>"No you're not" Morgan pushed, leaning forward more, his weight on the bed made Spencer's body tilt toward him a little.</p><p>"Leave me alone" Spencer  growled, that venom back in his voice.</p><p>"Reid"</p><p>"Morgan!" Spencer shot up, his hair flying around his face, which was red. His eyes looked crazed, totally unfocused, and not anything like Spencer's. Morgan had stood up at Spencer's sudden movement, his hands held in front of him in a surrendering gesture.</p><p>"Listen, you are clearly struggling, please don't lock me out, not right now '' Morgan kept his voice low, and had crouched down in the process of talking and was now eye level with the young genius.</p><p>"I have it under control" Spencer said through gritted teeth,</p><p>"You might, but you don't have to do it alone pretty boy" Morgan raised his eyebrows and tried to give his best puppy dog eyes to his friend, who just shook his head and laid back down.</p><p>"I didn't ask for help"</p><p>"You don't need too"</p><p> </p><p>"Night Morgan" Spencer sighed, before rolling over so he could get under the covers. All other attempts at talking from Morgan went ignored. Finally Morgan decided to get some sleep and they'd try again tomorrow.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tomorrow started earlier than Morgan planned since he was woken up by Spencer letting out a choked scream before loud sobs filled the room. Morgan jumped out of his bed quickly, slapping the light on with one hand, the other holding his gun out incase it was an attack. Instead he was met by Spencer rocking back and forth in the middle of the bed, alone.</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan slowly approached the young man, setting his gun back on the table.</p><p>"Sorry '' Spencer sniffles, his breathing still came and went in gasps but they seemed more controlled now.</p><p>"You don't need to apologise, what happened?" Morgan started to sit down on the edge of the bed. Spencer just shook his head, rubbing his hands down his face.</p><p>"I need to shower" Spencer stood up, pushing past Morgan and grabbing his bags. Morgan watched as he retreated into the bathroom, the light flicking on before the door closed shut, followed by the unmistakable click of the lock.</p><p>Morgan moved back to his bed, letting out a sigh when he saw they had to be up in almost two hours, was it worth it to get back to sleep? Morgan paced a few times between the beds, before sitting down. He went to lay down, but the thought of going back to bed while Spencer was clearly struggling just a few feet away from him, well the thought woke him up.</p><p>Instead he started up the coffee pot, and checked his phone. His finger hovered over Hotch's number, for some reason Morgan felt like he needed to tell the unit chief, but tell him what exactly? That Spencer was having vivid flashbacks and nightmares? With a shake of his head Morgan put his phone away. He will talk to Reid about it and they'll figure it out.</p><p>Morgan heard a thud come from the bathroom, but after tapping on the door a few times, he heard Spencer moving around in the bathroom.  So he left, he went and pulled his bag onto the bed and decided to look through the case file.</p><p> </p><p>What Morgan didn't know was Spencer had gotten a strong grip on the yellow feeling in his chest.  Morgan wasn't aware that the thud he heard was Spencer falling to the shower floor, his head rolling around as the yellow spread from his elbow and throughout the rest of his body. The vibrancy in his chest was astonishing, making a weak smile form on Spencer's lips.</p><p>Spencer's finger dug into the grout on the shower floor, the rough feeling hardly being registered as the numbness settled in the Spencer's whole being. The nightmare that tore him from sleep already being forgotten, when he tried to think back on it, Spencer just saw blurry outlines. </p><p>Spencer curled more into himself, the hot water scalding his spine as it pounded against his skin. He brought a hand up and pinched the bridge of his nose, his hair falling in front of his face, the strands slowly getting damper and wetter as the shower pelted him.  The shower floor tilted beneath him and as a result he slumped over onto his opposite side. His face hit the shower floor and water splashed into his nose, but he couldn't get his body to cooperate and move. The way he landed, he figured he covered the drain since the water levels were slowly rising.</p><p>Spencer Reid, genius, behavioral analyst, was going to drown on the shower floor.</p><p>But he didnt care.</p><p>The drugs in his system didn't let him care, and he didn't care that he didn't care.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Morgan got a sick feeling in his stomach, he'd been unsettled all night but this was different. Spencer was being too quiet in the bathroom, and Morgan didn't like that. The older man stood up and walked toward the bathroom door. He hesitated, his hand raised near his face and he leaned on the door frame. After a beat, he knocked on the door.</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>The twisting in his stomach grew and Morgan swallowed the lump in his throat before knocking again and calling out Spencers' names.</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>Morgan was about to kick the door down when he heard a loud fit of coughing on the other side of the door. Morgan was relieved to hear noises again, but the coughing and gasping brought up a new concern. Why was Spencer struggling so much to breathe.</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan heard another thud form the other side of the door, this one louder than the one earlier. He heard clamouring before it fell silent again.</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan asked again, his hand at one point became wrapped around the knob and he twisted it, not surprised that it was locked.</p><p>"Uh" Spencer coughed again, "what Morgan?" He yelled, his voice sounding husky.</p><p>"You ok?"</p><p>"Yup" the remark was short and Morgan sighed, deciding to gather his things to take a shower after Spencer got out.</p><p>"Hurry up, I gotta shower too" Morgan yelled through the door, pouring a cup of coffee for both men. He heard Spencer moving around in the bathroom and let out a huff of laughter into the rim of his mug. Derek had finished half his coffee when Spencer came out, his hair damp but looked brushed and out of his face, his black pants and purple shirt all done up neatly. Spencer held his bags in his hands and Derek saw the sweater vest peeking out of the opened go-bag.</p><p>"All yours" Spencer breathes as he walks past Morgan, setting his things down on his bed. Morgan grabs his stuff and hurries into the bathroom.</p><p>Derek was quick to shower, mostly because it seemed that the nerd in the other room had used all the hot water. When he came back into the room, Spencer had dressed in his brown vest and was sitting drinking coffee and his face ducked into the case file. He didn't look up when Morgan packed up his stuff and quickly finished his room temperature coffee before refilling the cup. He didn't look up when Morgan swore after stubbing his toe on the table. Spencer didn't look up until Morgan had called his name twice. His glasses slid down his nose and he used the rim of the empty coffee mug to push them up.</p><p>"Lets go kid" Morgan sighs, walking toward the door and waiting as Spencer shoved his file into his shoulder bag and quickly joined Morgan at the door. They met a drowsy JJ in the lobby who said she was riding with them, and insisted they stopped and got coffee before going back to the station since yesterday proved they didn't have the greatest coffee. Morgan agreed, and got in the driver's seat, JJ in the passenger.</p><p>Spencer of course sat in the back, like the child he was. That thought made him frown, looking down at his hands that were twisting in his lap.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They surprisingly were able to solve the case that evening. The local police apprenhended the murder, a man who hated the "filth" of his city and thought he'd clean it up. He had extreme OCD hence the reason the bodies were laid exactly a mile apart. The man was obsessed with the number one and four. The team was able to be on the plane and take off as the sun set.  Most of them fell asleep right away, Reid included. Morgan on the other hand sat next to Hotch, his own leg bouncing as he tried to think about the past night. He didn't know if he should tell Hotch, he didn't know if he could help Spencer. He didn't even know what was wrong with Spencer so how could he help?</p><p>When they landed the team greated Garcia in the bullpen before all heading toward the elevators. Hotch stayed behind to finish paperwork, but told the rest of the team to go home and sleep, so that they could do their reports the next day. After spending almost two hours in his office finishing up the work from their most recent case, as well as finishing up the stuff he was doing when they had to leave for the case.  </p><p>Hotchner leaned back in his desk chair stretching, then with a sigh he heaved himself up, grabbing his briefcase and filling it with the stuff he needed to take home, he shrugged his jacket on and then left his office turning off the light.  Hotch was surprised to see Reid alone in the bullpen, his head ducked down as he worked on something on his desk. Hotch approached the young agent, very confused as to why he was still here at almost one AM. Once he got to the Spencer's desk he saw he had a chest game going on his small chest board he kept on his desk, a steaming cup of coffee, and several case files open on his desk.</p><p>"Reid?" Hotchner's stern voice made Spencer jump, looking up at his boss with wide eyes.</p><p>"Yes?" He croaked before clearing his throat.</p><p>"Why are you still here, I thought I told you to go home"</p><p>"Uh yea, I just wanted to finish this stuff up before I left"</p><p>"Reid?"</p><p>"It's still fresh in my mind so I wanted to jot it down"</p><p>Hotch furrowed his brows in confusion, this was the guy with the eidetic memory, he surely wouldn't forget anything about the case, and it's not like he had a lot he needed to write down, Spencer spent most of his time at the station not in the field on that case.</p><p>"Reid go home"</p><p>"I will sir, as soon as I finish this, I promise" Reid gave Hotch a small smile then ducked his head back down into the files. Hotchner didn't know what to do, he couldn't really physically force Spencer to leave, but the exhaustion was clearly evident on the young man and Hotch wished the stubborn man would just listen.</p><p>"Please leave soon, you need rest" Hotch sighed, before slowly walking toward the door. He paused when his hand gripped the handle and turned back to look at the hunched back of his youngest team member. Hotch went to walk back to Reid but decided against it, Jack was waiting for him back home. With a sigh Hotch pushed the doors open and walked to the elevator.</p><p>As soon as Hotch was out of sight Spencer slammed the last of his coffee down before heading to the small kitchen area and pouring himself another mug.  He couldn't go home. He couldn't. If he went home, he had more access, he would be alone. He had just enough left in his bag that he could give himself just a little to hold back the withdrawal but he needed to cut back. After waking up from almost drowning this morning, and the episode he had in front of Morgan, he needed to get back into control. He still needed the Dilaudid but, he could use less, he knew he could.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer spent the night drinking cup after cup of coffee to stay awake to stay away from the nightmares. He was able to play several games of chess with himself in between case files. He was able to finish up most of his work load from the last week before he heard the first person come into the office. </p><p> Spencer started another pot of coffee, then grabbed his go bag and headed to the bathroom. He was glad they spent less time out on that last case than expected, because that meant he had one more change of clothes available.  He quickly changed in the bathroom, brushing his teeth and splashing water on his tired face a few times before locking himself back in to the handicapped stall. It's been almost eight hours since everyone left, it's been nine hours since he last used and the ache was starting to make it hard to focus.</p><p>When he came back into the bullpen he saw that Hotch was back. Spencer set his bag down, glad that his desk and change of clothes maybe made it look like he actually left. Spencer was filling his sugar with coffee when Derek and Emily came in, laughing loudly at something Garcia said who was stumbling behind them with a pink face. Spencer returned to his desk, resuming his work from not even an hour ago. Morgan yelled something to JJ when she came in, but Spencer was too busy blowing his nose to hear it. His body shook with a set of chills but they quickly stilled. Ok maybe spencer didn't take enough.</p><p>Several hours later, hours of ignoring the conversations around him and hardly being able to focus on his work Spencer jumped at a tap on his shoulder.  Morgan sat down on the edge of Spencer's desk, using his finger to nudge the chess game a little out of the way.</p><p>"Ok kid, spill"</p><p>Spencer just looked at him confused,</p><p>"Did you sleep?"</p><p>"What do you mean, of course I-"</p><p>"Because I just watched you yawn at least twenty times in the last few hours" Morgan cut him off, raising an eyebrow in question.</p><p>"Oh so you can count things but if I do its annoying" Spencer muttered under his breath,</p><p>"What?" Morgan didn't hear what he said, just the tone in which he said it, which didn't sound good.</p><p>"Nothing, I'm fine" Spencer smiled up at Morgan, who went to fight more when Hotch called him to his office. Morgan sighed and got off the Spencer's desk, walking quickly into his bosses office.</p><p>"Sit" Hotch motioned to the chair in front of his desk, and Derek sat.</p><p>"What's up?" Derek asked, leaning forward and putting his elbows on his knees.</p><p>"What were you and Reid talking about?" Hotch said, looking up from the paper in his hand to look at Morgan.</p><p>"I asked if he got any sleep, he's been yawning and quiet all day" Morgan sighed leaning back in the chair.</p><p>"I don't think he did '' Hotch said, his eyes glancing back down at the paper in his hand before setting it aside. "I think he stayed here all night" Hotch resumed, watching Morgan raise an eyebrow in surprise. "He was still here when I left and refused to leave" Hotch glanced out his window, seeing Emily and JJ hunched over Emily's desk laughing at something, while the top of Reid's head could be seen as he was ducked down looking at something.</p><p>"Ok, so?" Morgan was confused as to why his unit chief called him in and not Spencer.</p><p>"I want you to make sure he goes home tonight" Hotch said looking back at the agent.</p><p>"Why me?"</p><p>"I feel like he'll listen to you more"</p><p>"Hotch have you not noticed the hostility the kid had toward me lately?"</p><p>"No i've noticed"</p><p>"I think something is going on"</p><p>"Me too" Hotch mutters looking down at his hands briefly.</p><p>"I'm not sure what you want me to do"</p><p>"I noticed that you noticed that something is wrong, and I think the less people who try to tackle this, the better it will be for Reid. If I got someone else in here to help, he might feel trapped."  Morgan could agree with Hotchner's logic, they all knew how Spencer dealt with things. He didn't. He buried them down and tried to ignore them and forget them and he did that while alone.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His head was throbbing and his hands kept coming up to tug on his sleeves around his elbows. Reid squinted and leaned closer to his computer screen, the text on it blurring slightly before refocusing. The itch was getting harder and harder to ignore as it grew, extending from the crook of his elbows to further down his arm and up his bicep. It was taking all his focus not to itch, he knew it would just make it worse, and he wore a light colored shirt today so if he broke the skin, reopened any of his wounds, it would definitely be noticed by his colleagues. The pile of cases and paperwork he needed to do loomed in his peripheral vision. He brought his hand up and pinched the bridge of his nose before standing up. He stumbled a bit, gaining the unwanted attention of Morgan.</p><p>"Whoa pretty boy you ok?" He asked, starting to stand up and walk toward the younger man.</p><p>"M-fine, just need to go to the bathroom" Reid mumbled, gaining balance and quickly walking towards the restrooms. When he was able to get in, his eyes slammed shut as the lights in there were harsher than the ones in the hallway. After standing a few seconds with his eyes closed Spencer was able to slowly open them and moved toward the sink. He stuck his shaking fingers under the tap, before cupping his hands and splashing cold water on his face. He looked up at his reflection, grimacing. The moons under his eyes looked like bruises, the white of his eyes were now pink. He looked down and noticed the redness around his nose, cracked skin in his lips. Damn he looked like crap.</p><p>His spine felt itchy and he arched his back a few times to try and make the feelings go away but instead it seemed to get worse.</p><p>"Reid!?" Spencer stood up at the sound of his name being called. They must've had a case. He shook his head to try to clear his vision before glancing back at his reflection and using the palms of his hands to try and smooth his hair. "Reid!" the door bounces open and Morgan came in, his arms open to his sides as if asking Reid what he was doing. "Kid are you sure you're ok?" Reid nodded, licking his lips and then started to head to the door before he felt Derek's hand on his shoulder stopping him.</p><p>"Look kid you look like crap, you've been real quiet today and that's not like you.  You got a whole team of people who care about you, if you don't want to talk to me about it, talk to JJ or someone"</p><p>"Thanks Morgan but I'm ok" Reid coughed a little, ducking his head so the hair covered his face from Derek. Before he could say anything else Reid had left the bathroom, heading to the conference room, his teeth grinding in frustration.  The urge to use was growing, joining the throbbing of his headache and making his vision go blurry again for a few steps. Reid got to the round table, sitting down in his seat and opening his case file but he couldn't read it.</p><p>Not with the sweat growing along his hairline and his body's inability to stop fidgeting. His leg was bouncing up and down and he kept shrugging his shoulders a little, the feeling of his spine not fitting correctly in his body growing stronger. He felt every molecule in the air touching his body, his clothes rubbing harshly on his skin. He couldn't stop himself as his hand came up and harshly scratched at his neck, leaving angry red trails on it.</p><p>"Spencer!"</p><p>"Reid!"</p><p>Spencer jumped at his name being called, his eyes widened when he saw the whole room looking at him, Garcia standing with her mouth slightly opened in concern, the remote to the monitor resting on her shoulder.  Hotch's eyebrows were drawn and his eyes bore into Reids. Morgan and JJ were calling his name and they sat looking concerned at the younger man.  Emily stood with two coffee cups in her hand, her eyes narrowed and a frown on her face as she watched Reid gain his composure. Gideon tilted his head a little and watched Spencer squirm under all their eyes. </p><p>"I-im sorry, what? " Reid stuttered, standing up quickly and dropping his case file on the floor, papers scattered everywhere, he flinched and quickly dropped to his knees, trying to gather up the papers but his hands were shaking so badly he couldn't, they just kept sliding back onto the floor. He let out a frustrated whine before jerking backwards at a hand reaching toward him.</p><p>"Whoa Spencer" JJ said softly, raising her hands to try and calm Reid down.</p><p>"Reid what's wrong?" It was Hotch this time, Reid looked up to face his boss but his eyes unfocused and he stumbled a little, his arms and legs spread out like a baby deer. "Reid!" Hotch yelled, grabbing the young doctor and stabilizing him.</p><p>"I-im fine!" Spencer said, trying to get out of Hotchner's grip.</p><p>"Reid, Reid," Hotch had to repeat Spencer's name several times before he stopped struggling. "I'm sending you home"</p><p>"No Hotch i'm fine!"</p><p>"Reid" Hotchner's voice was low and he glared at Spencer. "Morgan is going to take you home"</p><p>"But the case" Spencer whined, closing his eyes and trying to ignore the rolling in his stomach.</p><p>"It's close to home, we will call you when we need you"</p><p>Spencer didn't respond, just kept his head hung and slowly shook it back and forth, a low moan leaving his lips. Hotch hauled Spencer up, and nodded at Morgan who took the younger agent. Spencer was significantly paler than usual and when Morgan wrapped his arm around the young man's waist he was quick to notice how sweaty Spencer was.</p><p>"Jesus kid" Morgan muttered, nodding at the rest of the team before turning around and slowly walking spencer out. Emily met him at the elevator, helping Morgan hoist Reid's bag on Morgans shoulder.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>By the time the two got to Morgan's car Reid isn't making any sense. His skin was sticky and damp and he was babbling random things that for the life of him morgan couldn't connect.</p><p>"Floor- two over" Reid mumbled, his hand pointing in a random direction.</p><p>"What?" Morgan asked, getting into the driver's seat and buckling up, "we are going home kid"</p><p>"Half length, one pump" Reid's head rolled over and his face pressed against the glass of Morgan's car. "Cold" he mumbled, wrinkling his nose but not moving his head. Morgan shook his head, if he wasn't so concerned for Reids wellbeing he would've found his actions funny.  When they got to Reid's apartment, Morgan went to help him out of the car when Reids arms clutched his stomach and he let out a moan.</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan asked, putting his hands on his friend's shoulders and leaning down so he could look into Spencer's eyes. "Kid what's wrong?"</p><p>"Hurts" Spencer hisses through his teeth,</p><p>"Ok i'm taking you to the hospital"</p><p>"No!" Spencer yells, his eyes snapping open and his arms weakly pushing Morgan off him. Morgan stepped back shocked at Spencers outburst. "Just help me inside, i'll be fine" Spencer mutters, white knuckling the door frame and hauling himself up. Morgan nodded, hesitantly putting Spencer's arm over his shoulders, grimacing at the wetness of Spencer's under arm. The two men slowly made their way up a flight of stairs to Spencer's apartment. Morgan had to get the keys out of Spencer's bag and unlocked the door, helping his friend stumble to his couch.</p><p>"Reid, let's get you out of these clothes, maybe a shower?" Morgan was crouched in front of Spencer, who sat with his head in his hands, his body slowly rocking back and forth. "Spencer?"</p><p>"Y-yea" Spencer nodded, reaching his hand out and grasping the air until he found Morgans shoulder. The older man slowly walked Spencer to the bathroom, setting him on the toilet before turning on the shower.</p><p>"I got it," Spencer whispered, gesturing his head for Morgan to leave.</p><p>"Ok pretty boy, I'll be right outside alright?"</p><p>Spencer nodded, his trembling fingers already trying to unbutton his shirt. Morgan left the door slightly cracked open so he could hear Spencer, and took the time to try and find where Spencer kept his pajamas. After several drawers, Morgan was able to find a pair of sweatpants and a shirt that looked too big to be Reids.</p><p>"Why?" Morgans eyebrows were raised but he just shook his head and left to go into the kitchen, Spencer should have tea somewhere. "I'm making tea" Morgan huffed under his breath laughing a little.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>While this was happening Reid stood under the shower head eyes closed and facing the ceiling, not noticing how the scalding water was making his skin pink. How thick the steam was getting in the bathroom, and the slight stinging from the base of his neck where the water hit, and the burning of the hot water running over the crook of his elbows, the inflamed skin getting irritated. </p><p>"Reid?" Morgan knocked  on the door frame, concerned at how quiet the Spencer was, and how hot the air coming out for the bathroom was.</p><p>"Yea" Spencer coughed, snapping his head back down, "done, coming" he stuttered, his hand slapping the handle to turn off the shower. He grabbed the towel and poked his head out, "leave" he growled at Morgan who stood in the doorway. Morgan smirked, the sight of Reids messy hair dripping into his face, and his tired eyes trying to glare at his friend. Morgan held up the clothes he managed to find and put them on the counter, before leaving and closing the door. Reid carefully got out of the shower, his knees almost buckling. He grabbed onto the counter to keep from falling. He dropped the towel and grabbed his clothes getting changed as quickly as he could.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer stood looking at his reflection in horror, Derek got him a short sleeved shirt. Spencer hadn't worn short sleeves in months, the reason screaming at him in his reflection, puncture wounds, the track marks the scratches the bruises.  They all screamed at him, making him cross his arms and try to hide his elbows. It's been months since Tobias Hankle. It's been almost a day  since Spencer tried to quit Dilaudid on his own. He knew he was going through withdrawls, he knew he needed to fight through it a little while longer and he'd be fine. He knew that by tapering off like he did, he would have a better chance at sobering up. He tried to lower his dosage a little bit every time, slowly building up. It's been 10 hours and 30 minutes and 48 seconds since he last used and god did he want to relapse.  But Spencer also wanted to beat this, he wanted to keep his job and not have any more secrets from his team. </p><p>Spencer poked his head out of the bathroom and into his bedroom.  Morgan wasn't there, and he could hear the man moving around in the kitchen. Spencer took a deep breath before sprinting across his room. He found a random sweater and tugged it on before falling back onto his bed and closing his eyes as his head spun. His bed felt like it was a raft and Reid felt the bile rising in his throat.</p><p>"Der-" Spencer was cut off by a coughing fit. Derek heard the commotion and ran to Spencer's room, leaving the cup of tea on the counter. Derek found Spencer trying to crawl to the bathroom. His back arching as gagging and coughing fits kept hitting Reid.</p><p>They were not going to make it to the bathroom, Derek grabbed the trash bin from the side of the door and quickly shoved it under Spencer's face just as the younger man threw up. Morgan wrinkled his nose in disgust but tried to brush Spencers hair behind his ears and away from the spit hanging from his thin lips. Morgan rubbed Spencers back and slowly helped him climb onto the bed. Morgan pulled the covers away from Spencer, who whined and reached for them like a child.</p><p>"You have a fever" Morgan explained, placing his hand on Spencers forehead and feeling how much he was burning up. "You gotta get this sweater off spencer" Morgan said reaching for the material,</p><p>"No!" Spencer yelped, his fingers gripping the ends of the sweater and his arms crossing tightly over his chest before rolling over and laying on his arms.</p><p>"Reid, we have to get your temperature down"</p><p>"Please" Morgan was shocked to hear Spencer was crying.</p><p>"Ok, ok kid, you can keep it on" Morgan slowly stood up, picking up the trash can to empty it out.  It was then he noticed that the vomit, as much as he didnt want to look at it, didn't hold much substance. "Reid?" Derek turned, looking at his friend who was curled up trying to become as small as possible. "When was the last time you ate?"</p><p>"Dunno, sick" Spencer muttered, pushing his face into his pillow.</p><p>"Kid you gotta eat" Morgan sighed,</p><p>"I'll just throw it up" Spencer moaned, another wave of nausea hit him.</p><p>He needed another hit.</p><p>It was just out of his reach.</p><p>He needed to get Morgan to leave and then he would be fine.</p><p>No one needed to know.</p><p>"Spencer?" Morgan asked walking back into the room, he held a cup of tea and a sleeve of crackers he found in the cupboard. Reid didn't seem to hear the older man, instead he continued mumbling.</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan got closer, placing the food and drink on the bedside table.</p><p>"I need it , I need it, I need it, I need it, I need it" Spencer was chanting his eyes clenched shut and his hands scratching at his arms.</p><p>"Hey, hey kid" Morgan grabs his wrists, pushing them to Spencers side.</p><p>"Don't touch me!" Spencer screams, thrashing and kicking. Morgan was terrified but he didn't want to let go of Spencer's wrists, afraid of what his friend might do.</p><p>"Spencer! Hey Reid!" Morgan tried not to raise his voice.</p><p>"No, no, no, no, no, no" Spencer was sobbing he opened his eyes and the look of utter fear was in them. The look made Morgan sick.</p><p>"Y-your dead" Spencer gasped, thrashing harder, "you're supposed to be dead,"  he got out of Morgan's grip and threw himself across the bed.</p><p>"Reid!"</p><p>Reid's body hit the floor with a thud, the pain shooting through his side and making sparks appear in the edges of his vision.</p><p>"Hey, hey kid, it's Morgan! It's Derek" Morgan had ran to the other side of the bed, he sat on his haunches, his hands up in a surrendering stance. Reid sat huddled against his bed, shaking his head almost violently. His hands scratched at his arms and bit his lip.</p><p>"No, no, no, no, no" he whimpered, "I killed him I killed him" Morgan furrowed his brow trying to think, who did Reid kill? "Your not real, your not real" Morgan tried to slowly inch closer to the younger man. "It's my withdrawal, im alone, im safe"</p><p>"Withdrawal, Reid?" Morgan reached forward and touched Spencer's knee, Spencer got thrown into another fit, screaming, his hands coming up and digging into his neck, his arms and his legs. Leaving long angry scratches on his inflamed skin. Morgan knew being touched was the last thing Reid wanted right now, but he also couldn't keep letting Spencer do what he was doing. Morgan lunged forward, grabbing Spencer's biceps and moving him down so he laid on his back on the floor.</p><p>"Tobias please" Spencer whimpered, the name sending a shock through Morgan, that's what this was about. Spencer was having a flashback, or due to his fever and lack of proper nutrition he was hallucinating that he was back in that shed. Tears ran down the sides of Spencer's face, as he kept shaking his head, weakly fighting against Morgan. In the struggle one of his sweater sleeves had ridden up and Morgan almost threw up on the young man at the sight.  Morgan saw track marks, and scars and so much damage to the Reids arm. He knew not all of this was from Tobias, as Morgan remembered the photos and also seeing Reid himself while in the hospital and they were not nearly this bad.</p><p>"Reid , Reid, Reid calm down" Morgan said softly, shaking himself out of his shock.</p><p>"I need it" Spencer mumbled almost inaudible but Morgan caught it. Spencer then went limp, if it weren't for his chest still rising and falling Morgan would've thought he would need to start CPR, instead he just assumes the young man passed out from exhaustion. Morgan groaned a little as he hooked his arms under Reid and hosted him up onto the bed. Now that Spencer wasn't  fighting him, Morgan was able to remove the sweater, understanding now why Spencer was so adamant on keeping it on. The sight broke Morgans heart, Reid laid on his bed shivering, his body coiling up to try and retain heat even though his paler than usual skin was dewy with sweat. He had to have been going through withdrawal. How a whole team of profilers didn't notice how much their youngest member was struggling pissed Morgan off. After glancing at Spencer one more time Morgan left the room, pulling out his phone and calling Hotch.</p><p>"Hotchner" the team leader's voice was automatic and fruity. </p><p>"Hey Hotch, i'm gonna stay here with Reid for a bit, he's got a bad fever and isn't doing well" Morgan decided to leave out why he thought Reid was sick until he was able to talk to the young man himself.</p><p>"Ok, keep me updated" Hotch said before hanging up. Morgan puts his phone on the coffee table and sits down, He sighs,</p><p>"Of course you don't have a tv" Morgan chuckled dryly, picking his phone back up. He glanced to the open door of the Reids bedroom, watching the younger man kick out one of his legs before pulling back toward himself and rolling over to his other side. Morgans phone rang and he was quick to answer it before it woke up spencer.</p><p>"Hey baby girl" he smiles, answering Garcia's number,</p><p>"How's boy genius?"  her voice was worried and he could almost see her fidgeting with whatever trinket was within her reach.</p><p>"He's got a fever, and doesn't seem to have eaten anything but coffee lately so i'm staying until I get the fever under control and then he should be fine"</p><p>"Poor kid" she whined, "ok well keep me updated"</p><p>"Will do" Morgan promises,</p><p>"PG out" she giggles before hanging up. Morgan closes his eyes and sets his phone down.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Morgan must've fallen asleep because he was woken up to loud sobbing. He jumped up and went to the doorway of Reids bedroom.</p><p>"No, no, no, no" Reid was sobbing, pulling the blanket up and around him, hiding himself.</p><p>"Hey, hey kid" Morgan says softly, slowly approaching Reid.</p><p>"Im sorry" Reid cries, looking up at Morgan with such a broken look in his eyes Morgan almost cried himself. "Im sorry, I tried, I did, I tried but, no, no, no, no"</p><p>"Hey" Morgan said softly, pulling the blanket away from Reid and gently gripping his wrists, pulling them out so his whole arms were exposed. Reid let out another heart broken sob, closing his eyes and looking away from the messy state of his arms.</p><p>"Reid" Morgan repeated, moving his face so Spencer had to look at him. "It's ok, I didn't tell anyone, and I'm gonna help you ok?" Spencer didn't trust himself to talk, he just gave a quick nod, more tears streaking down his face, his bottom lip gripped between his teeth.  Morgan let go of his wrists and Spencer was quick to bring his arms back to his torso where he crossed them and tried to hide the wounds from both sets of eyes.</p><p>"Now, you haven't eaten in awhile, so I want you to try and eat some of these ok?" Morgan says bringing the sleeve of crackers into Reids line of sight. Reid didn't try to fight, he just brought a shaky hand up and grabbed a cracker, bringing it to his lips and slowly chewing it.  The motion of food going into his empty stomach sent it rolling, after one cracker Reid had to put his head between his knees.  Morgan set the crackers down and helped Reid lay down, making sure he knew that the trash can was right next to him if he needed it. Morgan was about to leave when he heard a soft cry. Turning around he saw Reid staring at the ceiling, his hands absentmindedly scratching at his arms.</p><p>"hey " Morgan came back over, gently moving Spencers hands from his wounds, Spencer gripped onto Morgans hand, clenching his eyes shut but not letting go.</p><p>Spencer hated being the baby of the group, he hated how weak he was, he hated how annoying he knew he was, and he hated how he couldn't stop Tobias, or how he couldn't stop himself from using those god damn drugs. Spencer also hated how badly he needed to not be alone right now. He hated that his grip on Derek was the only thing keeping him from going over to his stash and relapsing.</p><p>"S-stay" he croaks, flinching at the whine in his voice, how it caught in his throat and made him sound as weak as he felt.</p><p>"Ok, it's ok," Morgan says, climbing into the bed so he could pull Spencer to his chest. Spencer was trembling, once again mumbling nonsense under his breath.</p><p>"Shh" Morgan shushed Reid, grabbing the young agents hand in his to keep him from scratching more. Spencer's breathing got slower and it wasn't long before he fell asleep. Morgan sat there looking around his room, at the piles of books stacked around the room, the chess board that looked to be in the middle of a match. If he remembered right Morgan was pretty sure that table was originally in the living room by the window, why had Spencer moved it into his bedroom? </p><p>Morgan noted the few pieces of clothing that sat discarded by the bathroom door. The few trinkets that Reid kept sat on his dresser, Morgan was slowly looking at each and every one of them from his spot on the bed, he was currently onto a photo of the team Reid had framed when the young man began to stir again. </p><p>"I need it, I need it" he mumbled, before jerking up. Morgan quickly made himself known as to try and avoid another incident like earlier.</p><p>"Hey, hey kid" he said gently, his hands hovering over Reid but not touching him.</p><p>"Morgan I need it" Spencer whimpered, bowing his head in shame.  Spencer couldn't take it, the pain in his muscles, the throbbing in his skull, the fact that he kept slipping back into that barn and that was the one thing he was trying to escape from. </p><p>"No, no you don't, you can fight this"</p><p>"No, no, no" Spencer was shaking his head again, his hair slapping his face.</p><p>"Spencer" Morgan said sternly but also softly, his hands coming up to hold Spencers face still, Morgan moved so he was facing the younger man. "Spencer you can do this, i'm staying here to help you" Morgan moved a little and let go of Spencer's face. "Listen kid, you made it this far alone, now i'm here to help you, you're not alone anymore."</p><p>"Can I be alone please?" Spencer whispered,</p><p>"You know I can't leave you alone, not in the state your in"</p><p>Spencer just nodded, understanding, of course Morgan isn't going to leave him, he knows Spencer was itching the relapse.</p><p>"Where's your stash?"</p><p>At this question Spencers eyes widened, he started shaking his head again, his fingers reaching toward his elbows but Morgan grabbed them before they could make contact.</p><p>"Whoa, ok, ok calm down, I get it, not there yet, but i'm not going to let you out of my sight ok pretty boy?" Spencer just nodded, letting his hands fall limply into his lap. "Now, let's try and get some food and water into your system ok? Then I can give you some medicine to help lower this fever more" </p><p>Spencer didn't acknowledge what Derek said but he also didn't fight the older man when he hauled him up and led him to the kitchen.  Spencer slumped down in a chair, staring vacantly at the counter in front of him. After a few minutes of Derek struggling to find anything in the Reids kitchen he finally placed a glass of water, a plate holding crackers, a few baby carrots, and a small bowl of soup. Spencer slowly wrapped his fingers around the glass of water, shivering at the chill it sent through his body. He brought the cup to his mouth and sipped on the water before reaching  for the soup.  Morgan drank from a cup of coffee, leaning against the counter and watched Reid slowly eat some soup.  Neither spoke a word. The only sound being the slurping of the coffee and soup, and their breathing, Spencers slightly more haggard than Morgans.  Once Spencer was able to force down most of the soup he stood to go back to his room.</p><p>"Wait" Morgans voice made him stop, "we have to go pick up medication, we can't let this fever fester"</p><p>"I have to come with?" Spencer sounded like a small child, his head hung, his hands wringing in front of him, his body slowly swaying back and forth.  in his head he saw where the  Dilaudid was, how it was just in the other room, and his skin was itching in anticipation. </p><p>"Sorry kid, but I told you I'm not letting you out of my sight."</p><p>"Ok" spencer mumbles, stuffing his feet into his shoes and pulling a jacket on. He followed Derek out of his apartment, his head still down, his body trying to be as small as possible but also focusing on his feet because they didn't feel quite attached to his body and he was sure the floor was rocking beneath him. The drive to the drug store was quick and Morgan left the young doctor in the car as he ran in.  Morgan tried to be as quick as he could, grabbing what he thought would help. When he got back into the car,</p><p>"Ok pretty boy-" Morgan stopped talking when he realized Spencer was sleeping. Instead gently setting the bag in the young man's lap and putting the car into gear to head back to the apartment.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once he parked the car Morgan sat there debating on if he should wake Spencer up or if he should let him sleep. A shiver from the wind hitting the window made Morgan decide waking the younger man would be the best deal. He quickly got out, shoving the bag from the drugstore under his arm and opened the passenger door. Reid was already blinking his eyes groggily, unbuckling his seat belt and gripping the door frame, hauling his thin frame up.  Derek grabbed Reids arm and put it over his shoulders, helping the other to the front door of the apartment building. Reid's arm was hot against Morgans neck, even through the jacket. The younger man was burning up. When they got to the bottom of the stairs Spencer let out a sigh, already exhausted from just walking as far as they did.</p><p>"Lets go" Morgan huffed, wrapping his arm tighter around Spencers waist to try and help the younger man up. After a long time, the two finally reached the top of the stairs, Spencer had sweat running down his face and neck and collecting at the collar of his shirt.  The key stuck in the lock, making Derek grunt at trying to get it to move. Once the door finally opened, Spencer stumbled to the couch, curling his shivering body under the blanket he pulled down from the top of the couch.  The couch wouldn't stop rocking, making Spencer press his face into the cushion more, muffling the moan that left his lips. He could hear Morgan moving around in the kitchen, then his footsteps brought him to the small slightly dazed form on the couch.</p><p>"Here, take this, then we will get you into bed so you can try and sleep it off"</p><p>Spencer nodded pulling his body into a sitting position, throwing the pills in his mouth and drinking down several big gulps from the water Morgan handed him. Spencer winced when Derek handed him a small cup with more medication in it, this time liquid. He threw it back, chasing it down with another sip of water.</p><p>"Gross" Spencer coughed, making Morgan laugh, before the older man helped Spencer get up. Spencer pulled the blanket tighter against his shoulders and shuffled next to Morgan who kept a close eye on him, making sure he stayed on his feet, which by the way Spencer was still unable to quite feel.  When his side collapsed into his bed Spencer let out a sigh, before his body decided then would be a good time to become filled with pain. His whole body felt like he just ran a marathon.  Morgans face distorted a little in Spencer gaze, making the younger man squint in confusion. Morgan tilted his head, watching as Spencer narrowed his eyes, tugging his bottom lip between his teeth and he let out a moan before bringing his hands up and pushing his palms into his eye sockets.</p><p>"Spencer?"</p><p>"No, no, no" Reid's mumbling got louder until Morgan could make out what he was saying.</p><p>"Reid?"</p><p>"No, no, no" Reid was pressing into his eyes harder, colors flashing under his eyelids, and a dull pain encasing the area.</p><p>"Hey kid" Morgan said softly, crouching down so he sat back on his feet, making him eye level with Spencer.</p><p>A low moan bubbled out of Reids lips and he pulled his hands away, thrashing them down with a thud on his bed making Morgan lean back a little to keep from being hit. Spencer's eyes were open but they didn't seem to be seeing anything, not anything right in front of him anyways. They were bloodshot and tears made his already clammy and sweaty face look drenched.</p><p>"Kid?"</p><p>"I need it," Spencer said in a low voice.</p><p>"Nah Spencer, you just need sleep"</p><p>"No!" Spencer shouted, startling Morgan. "I need it" another sob ripped through his throat and he curled up into a tighter ball. Morgan reached out slowly, his fingers hardly brushed against Reids shoulder when the younger man jerked away. "Don't touch me!"</p><p>"Reid!"</p><p>"Leave me alone Tobias!" the sobs choked his words and Spencers eyes were wide and crazed. His already frizzy and messy hair was more skewed, parts of it hanging in his face and he slapped the strands away, his clammy hands trembling and Morgan noticed then that the nails were bitten down to the bed and the edges were torn and inflamed. His knuckles also where inflamed, the pink skin standing out from his thin pale fingers. His hands turned so the palms faced Morgan and they shook with such force that Morgan had a hard time just trying to keep his eyes on them.</p><p>"M-morgan" Spencers voice sounded so small and tired, his hands fell to the bed and his head pushed into the pillow. "Morgan please make it stop" Reid was begging now, the pain of withdrawal being too much. He couldn't get away from Tobias, he couldn't get out of his own skin that wouldn't stop prickling and shivering. He couldn't get away from the anxiety that kept him awake and frozen in bed, his head racing with his heart, the heaviness of the depression that left him stapled to that mattress. Tobias's voice screaming at him from every side of the room, the heat waves followed by the chills.</p><p>The only thing that could get him away was the drugs.</p><p>Dilaudid numbed all that, brought it all to a screeching halt and let him float for a little bit.</p><p>It let the pain of the job melt away down the drain that sucked up all his own torments.</p><p>"I need it" He screamed lurching forward into a sitting position. His voice cracking and his hair flung out from behind his ears and into his face. His hands came up and dug harshly into the crook of his elbows that were burning in anticipation.</p><p>"Hey, hey no you don't!" Morgan tried to keep his voice level, every part of his being buzzed with the uncomfortable sight of seeing his friend like this. "Lets, let's do something to get your mind off it" he saw Spencer nod a little bit, moving his hand up to tug on his hair. "Ok, ok, lets, uh" morgan looked around the room his eyes landing on Spencer's chess table. "Let's play some chess!" he said, his voice significantly higher and lighter as an attempt to ease the tension.</p><p>"Do, do you even know how to play c-chess?" Spencer's voice was soft and strained but Morgan saw that small hint of a smile when Reid looked at him.</p><p>"You can teach me '' Morgan smiles, gesturing for Spencer to get up and they walked to the living room.  Morgan moves the table so Spencer sat on the couch, Morgan in a chair, both hunched over the table. "Ok so how do we do this?" Spencer shook his head a bit and he was smiling. His hands rearrange the pieces, Morgan was fixated on them, their thinness, how pale they are, but the scratches around his inflamed knuckles and nail beds making Morgan draw his eyebrows together.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After several frustrating hours late Reid slumps back into the couch cushions. Morgan was really trying, really he was, he wanted to play this game only to help his friend, but it just wasn't clicking and as helpful Reid was trying to be, he just wasn't a very good teacher.</p><p>"Tired" Reid mumbles, his eyes fluttering closed.</p><p>"Then take a nap kid" Morgan smiles, moving the table away, and trying to get comfortable himself on the couch next to his friend. "How can you not have a tv?" Morgan teases, his eyes scanning the room again incase he missed it and the genius really did have a tv.</p><p>"Books" Reid mumbled, shifting so he was now curled up with his knees to his chest and his head almost touching morgans shoulder as it slumped over it. "Read one" his voice was muffled and strained and sounded as exhausted as the kid looked. His hair was sprawled across his face, some strands sticking to his lips what he kept licking.</p><p>"Maybe I will '' Derek huffs as he stands up, walking over to one of the large overstuffed bookshelves. Morgan wasn't a reader, so he must've been very bored to even entertain the idea of opening one of Spencer's beloved books and actually reading it. His finger hovered above several of the spines, his interest quickly dissolving at the genre of books available.</p><p>"Other shelf" Spencer sighs from behind him, making Morgan spin around. Spencer was now sitting up on the edge of the couch, one hand pulling his sweater closed and the other pointing to another shelf of books. "You'll like those better" Morgan nods, moving over to the shelf, it held more fictional works. Derek picked a random book, bringing it up to his face.</p><p>"Sherlock?" He questions raising an eyebrow at the younger man who now found himself curled up on the couch again, this time under the blanket.</p><p>Reid just shrugs, before nuzzling his face more into the couch cushions.  Derek sat down, cracking the book open and scanning the first page. The book itself was well worn, clearly read multiple times.</p><p>"Can you read it out-loud?" Spencers voice was brittle when he asked this, Morgan turned and saw that Spencer's ears and a small part of his face Morgan could see that wasn't smushed into his knees where flaming red. Spencer's body let out another shutter, and the younger man whimpered with it.</p><p>"Uh, I can try kid" Morgan was hesitant, he knew Spencer just wanted a distraction, but Morgan wasn't sure if he was the person to be helping him right now. JJ would probably be better, why the heck did Hotch send Morgan home with Spencer?</p><p>"Uh, ok" Derek clears his throat before taking another breath "it is with a heavy heart that I take up my pen to write these the last words in which I shall ever record the singular gifts by which my friend Mr. Sherlock Holmes was distinguished."  Spencer let out another shutter and low moan, his body slumping forward a little and his forehead resting on Morgan's shoulder. Derek could feel the heat radiating from his friend, another moan left Spencers lips before he slid down and his head rested against Morgans hip.</p><p>Derek shifted a little and pulled Spencer further onto his lap so his head wasn't painfully pushing against Morgans hip bone which couldn't have been comfortable for either man. Spencer let out a sigh and pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders, clenching his eyes and moving his lips with silent words.</p><p>"Kid?"</p><p>Spencer didn't respond, his lips kept repeating the same line, his brows furrowed and his body still shivered under the blanket.</p><p>"Kid?" Morgan sets the book to the side, leaning over so he could get a better look at Spencer's face that is laid facing the room.</p><p>After watching for a few seconds Derek realized Reid was chanting "I need it" at least mouthing it.</p><p>"Hey, hey no you don't" Morgan taps Reids temple lightly with his pointer finger, making the man flinch. "Let's get back to Sherlock Holmes alright? I know you know the words say them with me" Morgan picked the book back up, leaning back onto the couch. Spencer nodded, and Morgan resumed reading aloud.</p><p>"In an incoherent and, as I deeply feel, an entirely inadequate fashion, I have endeav- ored to give some account of my strange experiences in his company from the chance which first brought us together at the period of the "Study in Scarlet," up to the time of his interference in the matter of the "Naval Treaty"—an interference which had the unquestionable effect of preventing a serious international complication." </p><p> Morgan was smiling a little when he could hear Reid softly saying the words along with him. Sometimes the kids' minds amazed him. Morgan read page after page, Spencers voice slowly drifting in and out with him. After Morgan had to clear his throat several times, he stopped reading, realizing then that Spencer had fallen asleep. Morgan tried to stay as still as he could, but continued reading, just silently this time as the book was actually enjoyable.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When the room started to get darker, it was then Morgan noticed how much time had passed.  He set the book to the side, and tried to lay back without bothering Spencer who still laid with his head on Morgan's lap passed out. Derek closed his eyes, letting out a small sigh and decided to try and get some rest.  He listened to the creaking of Spencer's apartment building. The movement from the neighbor, the ticking of a clock Spencer had near the door. The ragged breathing of the young man himself, he looked to be sleeping, but not enjoying it. </p><p>Morgan's eyes scanned the room lazily, the curtains making the sunlight look golden when it entered the windows, the endless amounts of books piled everywhere and anywhere. The dark green walls and dark wooden floor made the whole place feel cozy and warm. The room reminded Morgan of something you'd see in some old man's study and that thought made him chuckle. It was totally Reid. The room was cluttered, but everything looked like it had a place and the clutter was organized. Morgan closed his eyes again, focusing on the pressure of his friend, for some reason the fact that they were touching calmed the older man, Spencer was safe and will be ok.</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Morgan was jerked awake to a thud and some screaming. Morgan shot to his feet, quickly looking at the scene and trying to understand what was happening. He concluded that Spencer had fallen from the couch, explaining the thud, but the younger man was muttering under his breath, his body crawling on his hands and knees toward his bedroom.</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan followed after his friend, the blanket had snagged on a chair leg and now laid in a pile on the floor. Spencer crawled into his room and slammed the door shut before Morgan could get to it.</p><p>"Kid!" Derek twisted the door knob, it was locked. "Spencer opened the door" Morgan was trying to keep his voice calm but anyone could hear that he was panicking. "Spencer?" Morgan gets quiet, pushing his ear against the door to try and hear what was going on. He heard shuffling, the sounds of things being thrown around and then silence.</p><p>"Reid!" Morgan yells, slamming his shoulder against the door a few times. The sound of a strangled sob leaked through the door and Morgan started to back up.</p><p>"Get away from the door!" He yelled, he was about to break it down when he heard a click. Quickly rushing to the door Morgan grabbed the knob and this time it turned in his hand and the door opened. Slowly he opened the door and what he saw made his heart break. Spencer's room was trashed, the few seconds Spencer had been in the room, he must've spent the entire time throwing things around. Morgan's eyes searched for his friend, hearing the sound of sobbing coming from the pile of blankets that once sat on the bed, now sat in the corner of the room, between the door to get into the bedroom and the door to the bathroom.</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan said softly, crouching down and slowly approaching the shuttering pile of blankets. He reached forward and slowly removed the blanket and exposed Spencer's red and blotchy face. Spencer's eyes were unfocused and he looked in Morgans direction but he was looking through his friend, not at him.</p><p>"Make it stop" he begs, "please" he whispers before letting his face fall into the blanket again. Morgan was baffled, this must've been worse than he and Hotch thought because the fact that Spencer was openly asking for help and showing what he was feeling and having an actual break down in front of Derek, alarms were sounding in the older man's head. Spencer never asked for help, Spencer never showed that he was suffering or in pain. Spencer always dealt with things himself, for the fact that he was unraveling in front of Derek. This was worse than he thought. Morgan wasn't sure what to do, he didn't want to leave Spencer alone, but he needed to clear his head to try and think about how he could help him. There was a knock at the door and both men jumped.</p><p>"He found me '' Spencer whispers, fear freezing his body and his eyes once again wasn't seeing Derek.  Tobais was back, Spencer knew it, the man was coming back to get him. </p><p>"No, hey, Spencer your safe" Morgan didn't know what to do, he wanted to touch Spencer to ground him but he knew Spencer didn't like to be touched to begin with, add in the fact that he's going through withdrawal, and most likely experiencing extreme PTSD touching him might do more harm than good. There was another knock at the door, this time harsher.</p><p>"Spencer, I'm gonna go see who it is ok?" Morgan asked slowly, not sure if Reid was even hearing him since his face was blank and eyes so out of focus. Morgan slowly stood up, again not wanting to leave his friend. Another knock at the door made anger flare up inside Morgans chest. Spencer was getting worse which each knock and who the fuck needed to talk to the young man so despertaly. Morgan flung the door open with a growl already growing in the back of his throat in preparation to yell at whoever was on the other side. Morgan was stopped cold when he saw Hotch on the other side. His boss was still in his suit, his hand raised to knock again.</p><p>"Hotch?" Morgan asked,</p><p>"I've been calling both your guys phones for several hours, I got concerned" Hotch's brows were furrowed and his lips were still in that tight line but his voice calmed Morgan. Before either could say another thing there was a loud crash followed by screaming coming from the bedroom. Hotch pushed past Morgan and the two booked it back to the bedroom. This time Spencer had locked himself into his bathroom.</p><p>"Reid!" Morgan tried the knob, grunting in frustration, he just went through this.</p><p>"Reid!" Hotch yelled, his voice must've hit a chord in Spencer because now both men could hear the youngest slowly getting louder and more frantic.</p><p>"No, no, no, nonononononononono" his voice raising and concerning the other men.</p><p>Meanwhile Spencer was tugging harshly at his hair, shards from the broken mirror he had punched filled his sink and some laid on the floor around his bare feet. Words tumbling out of his mouth and he couldn't feel his mouth, his brain couldn't process what he was saying, just that he was panicking. </p><p>First Morgan saw him like this, and now Hotch. He was going to lose his job, he was going to be looked down on even more at the BAU than before. He was going to be shunned. Everything is over now.</p><p> He needed to get out.</p><p> He needed to leave. </p><p>He needed his head to stop pounding and racing and he needed the floor to stop swaying under his feet so he could gain his fucking balance. Spencer needed his skin to stop prickling and burning and making his veins scream. Spencer couldn't feel his feet, and his teeth won't stop chattering and the noise of his teeth smashing together made his headache grow.</p><p>He needed it.</p><p>He needs it.</p><p>He needs it.</p><p>His hands left his hair, now fumbling around his drawers. A pain shot through his stomach and he doubled over, his forehead smashing into his counter and his eyes becoming more unfocused than they already were.</p><p>"Your sinning" Tobias's voice was right by his ear, Spencer jumped back, yelping as his bare feet landed on the shards of glass. Spencer squinted, trying to find the other man.</p><p>"Spencer?!" the pounding on the door he leaned against made him lurch forward. He stumbled over his feet and landed in the bathtub. His whole body vibrated at the impact, before the vibration focused on his stomach, followed by the hot bile rising through Spencer's throat. Spencer wrinkled his nose as the puke covered the front of his sweater, the burning in his nasal cavities making him want to cry.</p><p>"It'll make it go away" Tobias's voice was back again. Spencer nodded, scrambling forward and once again searching through his drawers. His fingers wrapped around the small vial, making his lips twitch. The crooks of his elbows were screaming, his veins felt like worms, swimming under his skin. He tore his sweater off, one hand going up and digging harshly into the soft skin of his forearm.</p><p>"This will help" Tobias urged, "you know it will" Spencer kept searching for the needle. He couldn't find it and the panic in his chest was getting tighter. "Use the glass, it'll still get into your veins, if you push hard enough" Spencer froze at Tobias's suggestion, his eyes slowly moving to look at the pile of glass in his sink. He hesitently reached forward, the sound of his friends pounding on the door and screaming his name sounded miles away. The sounds pushing against his ear drums but his brain couldn't really process what they were saying, it was just a dull roar. His eyes had tunneled in on watching his hand slowly wrapping around the sharpest shard of glass he could find. He moved it to his arm, he knew where his veins were.  He set the glass against his arm but then the door burst open.  Spencer spun around, holding the glass out infront of him.</p><p>"No! stop!" He shrieks, his eyes kept trying to focus but the light from above his broken mirror was hurting his eyes.</p><p>"Do it Spencer '' Tobias said, slowly walking toward him with his arms up in a non threatening pose. His body movements didn't make sense, they didn't match up with his words.</p><p>"Spencer" Spencer looked behind Tobias and saw, a second Tobias. "Listen to us, we know this will help" Spencer clenched his eyes shut, shaking his head before looking up again.</p><p>"There's, there's, two of you" Spencers hand wouldn't stop trembling but it still stuck out pointing the glass at the two Tobias's in front of him. "How?" His other hand clenched tighter around the vial in it.</p><p>"No, no, no, no you're dead" Spencer kept shaking his head, stepping back, "I shot, I shot you!" Spencer screamed.</p><p>"Reid, please, just do it!" The first Tobias says, stepping closer to Spencer. Spencer stumbled back, yelping when the back of his legs hit the tub and he fell backward. Tobais reaches toward him and Spencer slashes the glass in the air.</p><p>"I dont want too" he sobs, his face burning from the hot tears. He wanted to sober up, but he needed Tobias to leave him the fuck alone. </p><p>"You have to!" the second Tobais yells, stepping up next the the first Tobias, the two of them blocking Spencer in.</p><p>He needed to leave.</p><p>Spencer needs to get out of there.</p><p>He couldn't do this again, especially if there's two of them now.</p><p>No that's not right, Tobias had multiple personalities not multiple people. Spencer's brain was too foggy, he let out a frustrated cry. This isn't right. Something isn't right. But his eyes showed him two Tobias's. Was there always two? Did he just merge them into one person? </p><p>He felt a hand touch his knee that stuck out of the tub and Spencer jerked, the glass that he  held slid across his exposed arm of the hand that held the vial. The sudden sensation of his skin opening threw Spencer seemingly out of his body.</p><p>"Hurry dump it!" Tobias yelled, Spencer nodded, frantically trying to open the vial but it was slipping out of his grip, covered in blood that gushed out of his arm. Tobais one had finally gripped tightly onto Spencer, who tried to thrash against him. One hand pushing Spencer's shoulder painfully into the tile wall, the other gripping the wrist of the hand that held the glass. The second Tobias lunged forward, pulling his injured arm toward him.</p><p>"No, no, no, no, no '' Spencer screamed, trying to push against the two Tobias but he was already weak, and the blood leaving his body did not help his strength. Spencer dropped the glass, which tobias one grabbed and threw it out of reach.</p><p>"You are happy now" Spencer yelled, another sob leaving him, "I did what you wanted!" He slumped backward, and stopped fighting. His eyes rolled around in his head until they landed on the bloody vial on the floor of the tub.</p><p>"I need it" he groaned, trying to push against his captors but they held strong. "Tobias I need to leave '' his voice was getting quieter, his whole body slipping into unconsciousness as exhaustion grew.</p><p>"Hey, Wake up!" It was Morgan's voice, and it startled Reid. When did he get there? Spencer cracked his eyes open, Tobias kept glitching, shifting faintly from himself too Morgan, then back to Tobais. Spencer's head hurt too much. The bathtub wouldn't stop swaying and Spencer could feel his empty stomach rolling as a result.</p><p>"I gotta go" he whispers, ignoring the several voices yelling at him to stay with them as he closed his eyes, slumping further down into the tub.</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Spencer woke up his entire body was burning. He went to move his arms but was restrained. Panic gripped his chest again, he wasn't dreaming, he was back in the cabin. He tried to calm his breathing, taking stock of his body and the state it was in while keeping his eyes closed. It felt battered and sore, but the only thing causing him the most concern was the throbbing in his head was more intense than usual and there was a burning on his left arm, on the edges of the burning was itching, his whole body itches but the area around that spot on his arm itches worse than everything else.  He decided to try and open his eyes, to access his injuries better, and to also make sure that he still had his feet since they were tingling and parts felt numb.  His eyes slowly creaked open, the harsh light made pain shoot through his head. His body jolted and he slammed his eyes shut again. He went to rub his eyes but again his hands stayed tied down. Spencer snapped his eyes open, throwing his body backward in panic.</p><p>"Whoa! Reid" Morgans' voice made him jump. "Hey! I told you not to strap him down!" Morgans' angry voices made Spencer tremble, and Spencer flinched when he felt hands removing the restraints.</p><p>"What happened?" Spencer coraked, bringing his hands up right away to rub his temple.</p><p>"Did I get hurt on the field?" He let out a dry laugh, "soon they'll realize I probably shouldn't be out there"</p><p>"You don't remember?"  Morgan sounded closer, and Spencer heard the slight screeching of a chair being dragged across the floor. "Can you look at me?" Morgan sounded hesitant and Spencer frowned at that, before slowly forcing his eyes open. The light was harsh and it hurt but he kept trying to keep them open. They kept fluttering closed trying to get relief. Morgans face was blurry, the edges glowing harshly from the lights above them.  "What do you see?"</p><p>"What do I see? Morgan I see you, and I see" Spencer looked around the room, squinting, "I see a hospital room, Morgan why are we in a hospital room"</p><p>"Reid" Morgan leaned forward, resting his hand on the bed near Spencer's leg, careful not to actually touch him though.</p><p>"Morgan just tell me what happened" Spencer snapped, the throbbing in his head coupled with his teammate babying him, Spencer was getting irritated.</p><p>"You had an episode" Morgan said softly, but the words felt like a slap.</p><p>"An episode?" Spencer was confused, he didn't have episodes, his mother had episodes, unsubs could have episodes, but Spencer, not him. Spencer was a genius and he was working through some problems but that was the thing, he was getting through them.</p><p>"What day is today?"</p><p>"Friday"</p><p>"Friday what"</p><p>"The 12th"</p><p>See it's been 22 hours, wait 22 hours? Where did the time go? How long had Spencer been in the hospital?</p><p>"Morgan"</p><p>"Yea kid?"</p><p>"How long have I been here?" Spencer was fidgeting at the edge of his blanket, his eyes focusing on the bandage that wrapped around his left forearm.</p><p>"We brought you in last night to get that stitched up, and Hotch and I are trying to-"</p><p>"Wait Hotch?!" Spencer squeaked, his stomach dropping. Oh no, oh no, this is bad, this is so bad. </p><p>"Hey, Reid calm down its ok"</p><p>No it wasn't, it was not ok, his boss and his friend have him in a hospital and he couldn't remember what happened to his arm and he was working through it himself. He had it under control.</p><p>"So you took me to the hospital because I had a fever?" Spencer tried to joke, he wanted badly for Morgan to believe him but one look at the man's dark face told Reid that Morgan knew that it wasn't just a fever. Although the fever itself felt pretty much gone, Spencers shivering could've been from his slight frame and the chilly air in the hospital.</p><p>"Spencer we know what's been happening, and Hotch and I are here to help you through it"</p><p>"I don't need help!" Spencer snaps, he was covering his suffocating fear up with anger.</p><p>"Reid!" Hotch's voice stopped Spencer from yelling at Morgan again. "We found your stash, the hospital clearly saw the symptoms, as well as us, what we just witnessed was not ok" Spencer was shaking again, this wasn't good. Hotch had moved into the room by now and stood on the other side of Spencer's bed, his narrow eyes staring at the young doctor. Spencer's head was spinning again, his world was ending. That was it, he was done. He was going to be removed from the FBI, probably jailed for using drugs, he would be disowned from the only family he's ever had. Spencer hadn't noticed that during the whirlwind of thoughts his hands have moved to dig into his skin agan. Morgan gently grabbed them pulling them away from his inflamed skin. </p><p>"Reid" Morgan said softly, "what's going on in your head?" Spencer lifted his head, his bloodshot and watery eyes staring at Morgan,</p><p>"Im sorry" he chokes, before squeezing his eyes shut, a tear fled down his cheek. "I'm sorry I didn't mean too" his voice cracked and it sounded so small that Hotch had to lean forward to hear it.</p><p>"We know" Hotch says, "that's why we are going to help you through it, and get you back to normal"</p><p>Spencer let out a choked laugh,</p><p>"No one likes the normal me"</p><p>"Nah kid, we love you" Morgan tries to grin, letting go of Spencer's wrists when he felt the young man start to squirm.</p><p>"When the hospital lets you leave, i'm going to have you be with one of us around the clock '' Hotch says, his low and even voice calming Spencer down a little bit, although his words irritated him.</p><p>"I don't need a babysitter" Spencer muttered,</p><p>"It's not babysitting , it's being your friend" Hotch retorted quickly, already knowing Spencer was going to say something similar to what he did. Spencer just sighed,</p><p>"So you or Morgan?"</p><p>"Or anyone on the team"</p><p>"They know!" Spencer yelled, sitting up quickly and hissing as the sudden movement hurt.</p><p>"They only know you're sick, we didn't tell them the specifics." Morgan reassured Spencer,</p><p>"That's not our job, but they were concerned for you after what happened at the office yesterday and then the three of us being radio silent for a day, you know how Garcia is" Morgan was rushing out his words but trying to keep them calm and level as he could see Reid's eyes start to get unfocused again.</p><p>There was a knock on the door and a nurse stepped in.</p><p>"Spencer Reid?" she says, smiling and walking toward the doctor. Hotch moved out of her way, moving to stand next to Morgan who now stood as well. "Your looking a lot better, we want to keep you overnight for surveillance and then your free to go if we deem you safe"</p><p>"Surveillance? Safe?"</p><p>"Suicide watch" her smile was starting to looked strianed. Spencer's face paled and he quickly looked down at his arm.</p><p>"Suicide? But I didn't, I didn't" he couldn't get the words to unstick from his tongue and he was left blabbering nonsense as he started to shake his head. "No, no, no.'' After seeing this start up several episodes Morgan was quick to try and deescalate the situation.</p><p>"Hey, Spencer, kid" he crouched down, "we know that's not what you meant to do, its ok, we know" Spencer didn't seem to be hearing the older man.</p><p>"I had it under control, I don't understand" Spencer was muttering under his breath, his eyes narrowed at his hands that were twisting around each other.</p><p>"Reid" Hotch said softly, using the voice he used when Jack was scared. If Spencer knew Hotch was trying to use what he does with his son on this grown man, he thinks it would send Reid into a fit. Everyone knew how irritated Spencer got at the fact that he was the youngest on the team, and was treated that way.</p><p>"Does, does" Spencer cleared his throat, "does Gideon know?"</p><p>"No one but us know the specifics" Hotch repeats, although, he was sure the team had their suspicions, they were profiliers after all and the way spencer had been acting lately was clear signs of drug use, and then withdraw.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After an hour of Reid not talking, just staring at his hands, and occasionally shuttering, Hotch said he needed to leave.</p><p>"You stay with him" Hotch tells Morgan when they stepped out into the hallway, "if we get a case we will manage" Morgan nods, "keep me updated" Hotch says before returning Morgans nod and walking off. Morgan took a deep breath before entering the hospital room again.</p><p>"Ok pretty boy, let's say we get you something to eat" Morgan smiles clapping his hands. Spencer jumps a little at the sudden loudness but beside that doesn't react.</p><p>"Reid" Morgan leans onto the bed and tries to get the other man to look at him.</p><p>"Not hungry" Spencer mumbles, it was true he wasn't hungry, yes he hardly ate the past week, only a bite here and there but mostly relied on coffee.</p><p>"Now  I know that's not true, here I'll go find me some coffee and us both some food ok? Jello?" Morgan smirks, knowing the young man loved that stuff. Spencer just shrugged before rolling over and curling up in the bed, facing away from Morgan.  Morgan let out a sigh before leaving the room, not hearing the small sob that escaped spencers lips.</p><p>Spencer was ashamed, he was horrified, he was absolutely disgusted in himself. He had it under control. He only tried to dwindle down a few days ago, he knew how to do it. He was hiding it so well. He didn't move when the door opened behind him, assuming it was Morgan returning. But the footsteps didn't sound like Dereks. That made Spencer roll over, his eyes trying to focus on the nurse standing above him.</p><p>"I have something that can help ease the pain a little" She smiles, but Spencer felt his whole body grow numb.</p><p>"No" He rasped.</p><p>"But Mr. Reid-"</p><p>"Its doctor"</p><p>"Uh, ok Dr. Reid, this can just make you comfortable, it's not a narcotic I promise"</p><p>"No!" Spencer yells, sitting up and glaring at the nurse who had taken a step back. The bed suddenly tilted and Spencer had to reach out and grab the edges of it to keep from falling out of it, his mouth filling with saliva.</p><p>"Dr-"</p><p>"Don't touch me!" Spencer shrieks when the nurse reaches toward him.</p><p>"What's going on?" Morgans voice made Spencer look up but the room was blurry, and swaying and how come the rolling floor wasn't bothering anyone else?</p><p>"I was just offering something to make him more comfortable" The nurse answers,</p><p>"And he declined?"</p><p>"Yes"</p><p>"Then he doesn't want it, leave" Morgan's voice was dismissive and didn't leave the nurse any room to argue, instead she just leaves.</p><p>"Hey, hey kid '' Morgan says, setting the coffee, jello, and sandwiches on the table before going over to Spencer who sat swaying in his bed, moans emitting from him.</p><p>"Make it stop" Spencer moans, before tightening his grip on the bed, "oh god" he groans and Morgan knew he was about to throw up. The older man grabbed that little C shaped cup thing the nurses had left on the Spencer's table and put it under his mouth right as he threw up. The stench of vomit hung in the air, but the vomit itself didn't have much substance since all Reid had eaten was soup hours ago, and some water. Morgan went to pull it away when Spencer's body constricted and another round of vomit rolled up his system. Spencer was trying to steady himself but between the swaying and his body crumpling in on itself he was finding it hard. </p><p>Morgan quickly put the cup down, grabbing Spencer around his side and almost dragged the man to the bathroom. Both men sat in front of the toilet, Spencer with his head on his arm that laid across the open bowl. Morgan with his hand rubbing the formentions back. Spencer's back shuttered under Morgans hand when another round of nauseas hit him, this time resulting in gagging and spitting the excess saliva into the bowl.</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Yea Hotch he's just sleeping right now" Morgan stood in the hallway, phone pressed against his ear as he leaned against the door frame looking through the small window in the door at Spencers sleeping form on the hospital bed.</p><p>"Doctors said everything was normal?"</p><p>"Yea they said it was all classic signs of withdrawal, and he should be fine in a few days. They also think he could go home if he wanted tomorrow, but we all know he'll go home" Morgan chuckles a little at the end, trying to hang onto any kind of humor in this stressful time.</p><p>"Ok, and Morgan"</p><p>"Yea?"</p><p>"How are you?"</p><p>"Hotch im fine" Morgan huffs, "i'm not who we need to worry about right now"</p><p>"You can't help anyone if your not taking care of yourself Morgan"</p><p>"Yea, yea, well i'm fine so it's good."</p><p>"Ok, well i'll check in later, but let me know if anything changes"</p><p>"Will do" Morgan says before hanging up and putting his phone in his pocket. He leaned his head against the cold door frame, taking some deep breaths before standing back up. He needed to keep everything under control so he could help Reid. When his stomach growled, Morgan sent one more look into his friend's room before hurrying down to the cafe to grab another one of the sandwiches.</p><p>When he returned, Spencer was still sleeping and Morgan opened up the package outside the door in case the sound would have woken up Reid. He then quietly entered the room, sitting in the chair beside the bed and digging into the food. The rest of the day was uneventful, Spencer spent most of it unconscious and when he was awake, he would just stare off into nothing and not react to anyone in the room. He was sleeping right now and Morgan felt himself dozing off, his head bobbing up and down and his eyelids begged to close. And eventually he succumbed to it.</p><p>When Morgan woke up it was to a tight a grip on his arm that was laying on Spencer's bed near his legs.</p><p>"Spencer?" Morgan opened his eyes, leaning forward to try and see Spencer better in the dark. Who had turned off the lights? What time was it? The only light was the small amount coming through the window in the door, and the various monitors around Reid.</p><p>Spencer was sitting up in bed, his eyes staring straight ahead. His hand tightened around Morgans arm, and Morgan noticed his other hand had come up and was fiddling with the bandage around the arm that held Morgan.</p><p>"Hey, whoa" Morgan said, gently tugging Spencers fingers away from the wound. "Spencer?"</p><p>Beside the recurring tightening and loosening of Spencer's grip, and the fact that he wasn't fighting against Morgan, he didn't seem to be there.</p><p>"Spencer?" Morgan leaned forward more, turning his arm so his hand could grip the elbow of the arm that Spencer used to hold Morgan. "Hey, kid" Morgan shook Spencer's arm, nothing. Spencer still stared forward, again tightening his grip before releasing it. Morgan was about to say his name again when he noticed that Spencers breathing had started to pick up.</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan was trying to figure out how to ground Spencer. When he tightened his grip Morgan winced, Spencers nails dug into Morgans skin and made the small open wounds sting.</p><p>This time Spencer didn't let go, this time his grip stayed tight, as his breathing continued to speed up, coming out in short gasps.  Morgan tried twisting his arm out of Spencers grip, which was surprisingly strong. He used his other hand and placed it on Spencer's shoulder, the one furthest from him.</p><p>"Spencer look at me" it was then that Spencer let go of Morgan, his hands coming up and tugging at his hair. His heart rate on the monitor above him was racing but Morgan didn't need the machine to tell him that. The rapid rising and falling of Spencer's chest, and the wild look in his eyes told Morgan everything he needed to know. It was then a nurse came in, they flicked the lights on and Spencer yelped, curling away from the sudden movements all around him.</p><p>"I'm not a sinner" he whimpered, "I'm not a sinner, i'm not a sinner" Morgan was trying to remove Spencers hands from his hair, he had his arms bent over his face hiding it.</p><p>"I didn't do anything"</p><p>"I know kid, you didn't do anything, hey, hey Reid!" Morgan's voice was rising but Spencer's chest was heaving and his whole body was shaking and he clearly wasn't at the hospital right now. The movement from the nurse moving his IV line made Spencer jerk away.</p><p>"No, no I don't want it, please" Spencer was sobbing "please Tobias I don't want it" The nurse looked confused, but for Morgan it all made sense. Spencer was back in the barn, the nurse wasn't a nurse, she was Tobias now.</p><p>"Hey, wait" Morgan held up his hand. Stopping the nurse who was going to inject something into Spencers IV,</p><p>"It's just a sedative"</p><p>"I know that but hold on" Morgan put his hand down, moving onto the bed more and ripping Spencers arm away from his face. Morgan ignored Spencer weakly hitting him, and instead put his hands on either side of Spencer's face.  Morgan searched Spencers eyes, trying to find his friend somewhere in there. All he saw was fear, pure wild terror.</p><p>"Reid, Spencer!" Spencer stopped fighting, his eyes were staring into Morgans but Morgan wasn't sure he was really seeing. Morgan was about to say his name again when suddenly Spencers eyes got wide, before rolling back in his head.</p><p>"Spencer?" Morgan started to panic as Spencer went limp in his hands, slumping down against his pillows.</p><p>"Sir, sir its ok" the nurse said, putting a hand on Morgans shoulder so he'd turn. "Sir I just gave him a sedative, everything is fine"</p><p>"What?!" Morgan roared, "I told you not too!" He stumbled off the bed and gripped onto the back of the chair to steady himself.</p><p>"Sir I had to its protocol, he was being a danger to himself and others." the nurse said calmly before writing something down on the Spencers file that hung near his bed and leaving the room. Morgan still stood there trying to breath slowly through his nose. He was getting Spencer to calm down, he didn't want any more drugs in the kids system.</p><p> </p><p>Once he calmed down, Morgan decided to busy himself. He tried to reposition Spencer into a more comfortable position on the bed, pulling the blankets up on him.  Then Morgan sat back down, dragging his hands down his face before he stilled, his eyes focusing on the slow rising and falling of Spencers chest.</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>By three that next afternoon Morgan was hauling Spencer into the passenger seat of his car. The doctors were hesitant to release Spencer, but the young man was climbing up the walls. He refused any help they tried to give him, shifting between snapping at anyone near him, to becoming so agitated and terrified he had to be sedated.  Of course every time he woke up from being sedated he would spend the next hour or so being depressed and ashamed, before snapping back into rage.</p><p>Morgan also wanted Spencer to stay, thinking the hospital would be the best place for Spencer right now but he also knew how much Spencer hated hospitals and that forcing him to stay there may do more harm than good. He did promise the nurses though that if Spencer wasn't getting better or  worse or too much for Morgan to handle, that he would bring the young doctor back.</p><p>The ride back to Morgan's house was silent, the occasional groan leaving Spencer as he tried to get comfortable in the seat.</p><p>"Why can't I just go home" Spencer mumbled,</p><p>"Because Reid, we already went over this, my house is more suitable for us, don't worry we will bring you stuff over"</p><p>After that they fell silent again.</p><p>When they got to Morgan's house, the older man kept  his arm around Spencer's waist as the two moved up the few stairs. When they reached the couch Morgan helped Spencer sit down before tossing all their bags onto the ground near the couch.</p><p>"I need to go call Hotch, update him" Morgan says quickly before stepping into the hallway.</p><p>As soon as Morgan left, the warmth of the room left, and was replaced by the smell of burning fish. Spencer started trembling, his eyes darting around the room. He saw Morgans living room, his hands clenched the couch cushion, it was still there under his hands. Spencer was still clearly at Morgan's house, it just smelled like he was there.</p><p>Unless, unless he really was there, and his mind was playing a trick on him. That the past few months didn't really happen and he was just hallucinating being saved. The thought made his heart pound against his ribcage. His hands tightened around the cushion, and he felt his waist start to move as he began to slowly rock back and forth.</p><p>When Morgan returned, he quickly ran to Spencer's side.</p><p>"Reid?"</p><p>"I need it '' Spencer mutters, he needed it, it stopped the hallucinations, it made him see reality. The long existing fear of following his mother, of losing his mind as well, became so much more real when he couldn't tell where he was.</p><p>"no , no your just going to struggle for a little bit but you'll be fine, i'll make sure of that"</p><p>"Where, where am i?"</p><p>"Your at my house Spencer, your at Derek's house"</p><p>"Derek, Derek Morgan" Spencer mumbled the name under his breath.</p><p>"Yea, hey Reid, come on, breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, that's it long breaths" Spencer mimicked Morgan as he took exaggerated breaths. Finally the man calmed down, but his bottom lip wobbled when he whispered again,</p><p>"I'm becoming like my mother"</p><p>"What? Spencer what do you mean?"</p><p>"I'm losing my mind" Spencer said softly looking up and making eye contact with Morgan, who swore his heart shattered and stopped beating right there.</p><p>"No, nah, no pretty boy, you're not losing your mind, you're just going through withdrawal" Morgan had moved one of his hands to cup the side of Spencer's head, twisting his hands in the man's hair. "You can do this, and we are all here to help you". Spencer let out a deep sigh before slumping forward and resting his forehead on Morgans shoulder, whose's hand came up to rest on the back of Spencer's head. The two sat like that for a minute before Spencer let out a yawn.</p><p>"Let's get you  into bed ok?" Morgan said, shifting slowly so Spencer would lift his head. The two stood up, Spencer on more unsteady legs. When they got to the bottom of the stairs, Spencer let out a whine at the sight in front of him. </p><p>"I know" Morgan sighed, getting a tighter grip on Spencers waist.  When they reached the top of the stairs, Spencer needed to sit down. He leaned against the wall, the sound of his heavy breathing in the still hallway. The sweat building up around the collar of his shirt and spreading down, Morgan couldn't even imagine how sweaty his shirt was going to be under the jacket he wore, refusing to take it off.</p><p>"You ok to keep going?" Morgan asked, and Spencer let out a breathy nod. Morgan helped hosit the  smaller man up and the two continued down the hall. They eventually stopped in front of the door to Morgan's guest room.</p><p>The two stumbled into the room, and Morgan helped Spencer to sit on the edge of the bed.</p><p>"You can borrow some clothes for now, and we will get your own clothes tomorrow ok?"</p><p>Spencer just nodded, and Morgan quickly left the room, going to his own and grabbing the smallest pair of sweatpants and tshirt he could find. When he returned Spencer was in the same spot, his gaze on the same spot.</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan said hesitantly kneeling down in front of spencer, whose eyes flickered up. "I got you these, do uh, do you need help changing?"</p><p>"No" Spencer whispered, reaching out and grabbing the clothes from Derek. Morgan nodded, standing up and heading to his own room to get changed into his own pair of sweatpants and clean shirt.  He changed quickly, before heading back over to the guest room.  He stood out of line of sight from the room, instead knocking on the door frame.</p><p>"You good?"</p><p>Spencer didn't reply and Morgan waited a beat before stepping into the room.  Spencer laid sprawled across the bed, in nothing but his boxers. His dirty clothes, the one still from a few days ago before the hospital, that they changed him in to to get him to Morgans, laid discarded on the floor by his feet. The sweatpants laid crumpled on the other side of his legs, one ankle rested on them like he was in the process of putting them on. The shirt was still clenched in the Reids hand.</p><p>"Spencer?" Morgan asked lowly, keeping his voice modulated as he stepped closer, it was then he noticed Spencer's eyes were still open.</p><p>"I cant" he whispered, before clenching his eyes shut.</p><p>"You can't what pretty boy?" Morgan got closer, trying to ignore how small Reid was. How his ribs were reaching for the ceiling, the pale skin pulled taut over them. He had bruises from all the times he must have fallen, all in various healing stages. His stomach was concave and his hip bones jutted out. Spencer has always been long and lanky, but this was a whole other level. It was clear he hadn't eaten in awhile. </p><p>"It hurts" Spencer whined, his eyes closing again.</p><p>"What hurts?"</p><p>"Everything"</p><p>"You need help?" Morgan chuckled slightly, getting increasingly uncomfortable at the sight of his friend in front of him. Spencer looked so weak and pale, how had none of them noticed this? Spencer hardly nodded, but Morgan wanted to get this over with so he quickly leaned down, gripping the waistband of the pants, and pulling them up to Spencer's knees.</p><p>"Ok, up you go" he groans, with Spencers hand on his shoulder, Morgan hauled him up. He brought the pants up, and noticed that even though they were the smallest pair he had, Morgan still needed to tie the string around the waist. Spencer slumped back down, getting increasingly more exhausted. Morgan grabbed the shirt, putting Spencers head through the neck hole, his hair frizzed up at the electricity from the shirt. Morgan pulled Spencers arms through the sleeves and once he was dressed Morgan let Spencer fall backward.</p><p>"Ok" Morgan huffs, grabbing Spencers legs and lifting them onto the bed. Spencer curled up into a ball. His body shaking. "What hurts" Morgan says softly sitting down on the edge of the bed, his hand coming up and resting on Spencer's shoulder.</p><p>"Everything" the younger man sighs, and it was true. All his muscles burned, they felt like they were pulling away from his bones.</p><p>"You need it" Tobias's voice made Spencer choke on the breath he was taking. His eyes snapped open and he looked around the room trying to find the man.</p><p>"Spencer?" Morgan asked, noticing the quick change in Spencers behavior.</p><p>"He's back" Spencer whispers, his body was frozen but his eyes kept darting around the room.</p><p>"Who? Who's back?"</p><p>"Tobais" Spencer spit out the name.</p><p>"No, Spencer he's not here, I promise" Morgan removed his hand when he noticed Spencer was staring at it, boring a hole with his gaze.</p><p>Morgan almost fell to the floor when Spencer lurched forward,</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan held his hands up, scared he was going into another episode.</p><p>"Throw up" Spencer sweaked, and Morgan quickly grabbed the waste basket from near the side table and put it under Spencer's face. Spencer's hands came up and he hugged the can, his knees bending and tightening around the bin as well. His head was ducked into the trash can, and loud noises of retching made Morgan wince.</p><p>After the noise died down, Spencer sat panting into the bucket for a minute longer before weakly gesturing for Morgan to take it.  While dumping out the content of the bucket and cleaning it out, Morgan decided he'd ask Spencer to make a list and he'd have Hotch bring his stuff over. He didn't want to leave Reid alone, and he didn't want to make the younger man leave the house until he was more rested.</p><p>When he returned, Spencer was laying back, but his head kept rocking slowly back and forth. His feet kept curling and his fists kept clenching.</p><p>Spencer's skin wasn't right, it was too tight. Everything itched and the burning from the stomach acid made his insides just as itchy.  He needed it to stop.</p><p>He needed everything to stop.</p><p>"Spencer, I'm gonna have Hotch drop off some stuff from your house tomorrow, can we make a list?"  Morgan said gently, he wanted to distract Spencer, but the twitching started to move from his hands and feet to his limbs.</p><p>"Come on, tell me what you want and i'll make the list"</p><p>"Ok, uh" Spencer cleared his throat, his twitching getting more evident, now his shoulders shrugging.  "Uh, ok" Spencer paused again, before continuing with rambling off a bunch of books, and then where Hotch could find some of his clothes, as well as his travel chess thing. Morgan chuckled a little at the list  before sending it to Hotch, who said he'd bring it over the next day before work.</p><p>"Ok, now we need to get some fluids in you, what do you want?" Morgan askes, setting his phone down on the said table. Spencer let out another tremble but didn't say anything. "Reid, what do you want?" Morgan asked again, leaning closer to his friend to try and see his face.</p><p>"You know what I want," Spencer muttered. Morgan sighed and stood up, this was going to be hard. Morgan left the room, making sure Spencer saw him put his phone in his pocket before heading downstairs. Morgan checked his fridge and grabbed a gatorade, then grabbed a travel bottle and filled it with water before heading back upstairs. Spencer was in the same spot, his hands clenching and releasing the blankets under them as he stared blankly above him.</p><p>"Here kid" Morgan says, setting both drinks within Spencers reach, "now maybe you should some sleep" He kept his voice low and walked over to draw the curtains.</p><p>"No" Spencer whined, then Morgan remembered the kids' fear of the dark. He opened them back up enough that the men could still see, but the room was now dim and more of a setting to sleep.</p><p>"Better?" Morgan asked, walking past the bed, over to the bathroom and turning on that light as well before closing the door a little so just a small beam of light spilled onto the floor and the bottom of the bed, lighting up Spencers left foot. Spencer just nodded.</p><p>"Do you want me to stay?" Morgan asked, but Spencer shook his head no, turning over onto his side facing away from the older man. "Ok, well i'm just a phone call or yell away ok kid?" Morgan was hesitant to leave but his feet led him out into the hallway anyways. </p><p>He texted Hotch that he could work from home, and sat down at his dining table spreading out the files he did take home earlier.  Morgan was really wishing he had a baby monitor right about now, the silence in the house usually calmed him but now he was just worried not being able to hear spencer.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer wanted to die.</p><p> </p><p>Spencer was going to die, and he was welcoming it.</p><p> </p><p>The tightness in his chest made his heart feel trapped and his lungs were being crushed. He couldn't get enough air into them. The bed had stopped swaying but he still felt his throat burning with the urge to throw up. His body kept twitching the consistent movement slowly driving the doctor insane. He went to lift his head, but it was too heavy, he grit his teeth in frustration. His whole body was on fire, and he still couldn't feel his feet. He went to lift his head again, getting worried that maybe his feet were no longer there. His head stayed on the pillow, even when Spencer took a deep breath, which dragged against his lungs and made his eyes water, he still couldn't muster the strength to lift up his head.</p><p>The human head weighs about...how much does it weigh?</p><p>Spencer clenched his eyes shut, he knew this. He knew that he knew this but he couldn't remember it, all he could focus on was that he was dying. Spencer's eyes widened as he felt his stomach turn, he was going to throw up. He couldn't move and he was going to throw up. This is how he was going to die, he was going to choke on his own bile like the pathetic excuse he was. His throat constricted around the cough that built up in his chest, sputtering out spit that landed back on his face.</p><p>Here it goes.</p><p>The vomit was rising in his throat and the anxiety was making it hard for air to reach his lungs. He gripped the sheets in his hands and tried to drag in more air, letting out a wet cough when the air clipped his throat. He was able to let out some kind of cry and then he had to close his eyes. Spencer hoped that Morgan could hear him but his eyes were too heavy to hold open and he could feel the air not getting into his lungs, making his already foggy head start to spin.</p><p>His phone.</p><p>Spencer's eyes snapped open, and with a new surge of energy he tried to roll over. His vision was blurry but his hands reached in the general direction of where his phone should be. His fingers touched the edge of the phone, starting to try and grip at it when the rest of his body started to convulse. Spencer fell to the ground, the phone falling off the table and landing next to him. A sharp pain in his stomach made Spencer curl into himself and he felt the sickness rise more, this time burning the back of his mouth. His fingers slid across the hardwood floor before gripping the phone and pulling it close to his face. His eyes were too blurry and he kept trying to blink them back into clarity. He eventually got it open and Morgan's number pulled up, hitting it before the phone fell from his hand. His body spazzed before he pulled back into a ball, spit dripping out of his mouth as his arms tightened around his midsection.</p><p>This was it, he was going to die.</p><p>Meanwhile Morgan was downstairs watching a basketball game, the volume was low but he still had a hard time hearing anything else. When his phone started ringing he was quick to pick it up. Reid's name was on the screen and Morgan was already running up the stairs when he answered.</p><p>"Reid?"</p><p>Spencer didn't answer, instead all Derek heard was shuffling. By now he reached the guest room, stomach rolling with anxiety over what he was about to see.</p><p>What he saw was Reid curled into a lump on the floor, vomit all around him, on his face, his chest, the floor. The sick was slowly seeping into the sleeve of Spencer's shoulder as he tried to curl more into himself, the chills making him shake.</p><p>"Jesus kid" morgan mumbles, rushing into the bathroom and gathering some towels. When he came back Spencer was trying to lift himself into a sitting position.</p><p>"I need it" Spencer rasps, his hands coming up to tug on his hair.</p><p>"No you dont kid" morgan says slowly, helping Spencer lean against the bed, and getting to work on picking up the vomit. Once he got most of it contained he then returned his focus to his friend who was once again mumbling gibberish under his breath.</p><p>"second floor board" Spencer muttered, his fingers tapping his knee.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Half length, one pump"</p><p>Morgan's Eyes widened when he realized what Spencer was saying, that Spencer had mumbled this numerous times, he was talking about his stash, and how much he used. When Hotch said they found his stash he meant the one in the bathroom, but both men knew spencer had more somewhere. Now Morgan knew, it was on Spencer's floor, the question is two floor boards over from what? Morgan felt his own stomach roll, the smell of spencers sick, and the knowledge of how much he used all hitting Derek at once.</p><p>"Let's get you cleaned up" Morgan huffs, standing up. Spencer didn't acknowledge him.</p><p>"Up," Morgan says, helping Spencer stand up on unsteady legs.</p><p>"I feel my muscles pulling away from my bones" Spencer whimpers, his eyes unfocused and seeing over Morgan's shoulder.</p><p>"They aren't, it's just the withdrawal." Morgan replies, trying to peel the wet and gross shirt off spencers frame without most of the sick touching either man. Once again Morgan was shocked at the sight of a shirtless Spencer, throwing the shirt onto the pile of towels and staring at the younger man's pants.</p><p>Spencer's hand jumped out and gripped onto morgans that were trying to untie the string around the waist band.</p><p>"Please '' Spencer squeaks, his body started shaking more.</p><p>"Reid, we have to get these gross clothes off you, im keeping your boxers on I promise"</p><p>"Please I don't want it '' Spencer says softly. Morgan saw his eyes still weren't focused on anything, he must not really be here right then.</p><p>"Reid" Morgan says slowly, moving one hand up and using it to touch the side of Spencer's face, cupping his cheek and trying to get their eyes to meet. "Spencer"</p><p>Spencer didn't really respond, just kept looking through morgan. Morgan was about to say something else when spencer finally spoke after several beats,</p><p>"He's gonna hurt me," Spencer whispers.</p><p>"Who? Who's going to hurt you?"</p><p>"Him"</p><p>"Whoes him Reid?"</p><p>"Please" Spencer whimpered, his eyes finally coming and meeting Morgans.</p><p>"Ok, don't worry I won't let anything happen to you, if you don't want me to help with your clothes I don't have too but you do need to get these pants off and get in the shower, they are covered in your sick" morgan kept his voice steady, his eyes focused on nothing but Spencers. "Let's get you into the bathroom yea?"</p><p>Spencer faintly nods and lets morgan lead him to the bathroom,</p><p>"I'm going to put the dirty laundry in the washer and clean up the floor, and you focus on taking a shower ok?" Spencer nods again and Morgan closes the door enough to give the younger man privacy but keeps it open a crack. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Morgan picks up the dirty laundry by using one of the clean towels and keeping it all at arm's length. Once in the washer and started he comes back up with cleaning supplies. When Morgan entered the room he didn't hear the shower running. Setting the materials down he slowly walks to the door.</p><p>"Reid?"</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>"Spencer?"</p><p>Silence.</p><p>So Morgan decides to risk it and open the door. Spencer sat on the floor of the bathroom, the bandage that was around his arm was off, and blood ran down his arm as his other hand dug into the wound, tearing at the stiches.</p><p>"Reid!" Morgan yells, falling to his knees and ripping the younger man's arms apart.</p><p>"Get it out morgan!" Spencer yells back, lifting his head and showing Morgan that he was crying. "Get it out!"</p><p>"Get what out?!"</p><p>"The drugs" Spencer says weakly, "get it out of me" Spencer sags forward, his body crumpling into morgan. Morgan tried to keep his grip on Spencer's wrists, the blood making his fingers slip.</p><p>"Spencer the drugs are getting out right now, that's why you feel this way" Morgan says slowly, making sure Spencer understood.</p><p>"He's gonna come back" Spencer cries, his back shaking as sobs tore through him. "He always comes back, they never get out"</p><p>Morgan had done some research and he knew that Spencer was in the worst part of his withdrawal right now, that his mind wasn't right and he had to be in so much pain. Not being able to ease any of his friends' pain hurt Morgan but he needed to give Spencer what he needed, not what he wanted. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Spencer always feared he'd become like his mother, to lose his mind, to be a certified looney. The whole team knew this, spencer having slipped it a few times throughout the years. Morgan couldn't imagine what Spencer had to be feeling right now, to not be in control of his body and mind, to be feeling like his biggest asset (according to Spencer not to his team) his mind was slipping away from him.</p><p>Morgan kept one hand firmly around Spencer's right wrist, releasing his other hand and moving toward the cabinets. He struggles a bit but eventually gets the first aid kit out, setting it on the floor next to them. He uses one of the hand towels and gets it damp in the sink, his neck arching to try and see over the counter while staying on the floor next to Spencer who was still sobbing. Once wet he brings the towle back over, using it to wipe off the blood on Spencer's arm. Spencer let out a little whine at the touch but it wasn't until Morgan used the alcohol wipe that he let out a little yelp and weakly tugged against the older man.</p><p>"Hold still, I know it hurts' ' Mogan mumbles, trying to clean the wound and not focus on Spencer for a few minutes. Luckily the younger man didn't do a lot of damage to his stitches, he pulled at them but only two of them came undone. Once all cleaned up Morgan grabbed some gauze and wrapped it around Spencer's forearm, before grabbing some plastic like material and wrapping that over the gauze as well so they could get Spencer in the shower. Once it was all cleaned up, Morgan worked on getting Spencer on the toilet.</p><p>"I'm sorry" Spencer says, his head hanging and his hands twisting in his lap.</p><p>"Hey, kid" morgan uses his finger to tilt Spencers head up to look at him, "its ok, in a day or two, youll be back to normal" Spencer just sighs, watching as morgan turns the shower on.</p><p>"Now, do you need help or do you want me to leave?" </p><p> "Um '' Spencer bit his lip, his fingers fumbled with the string but they were shaking so much he couldn't untie it.</p><p>"Here" morgan pushes Spencer's hands away and unties them, " now i'll leave, but once you get in, i'll have to come back in to clean up the mess ok?"</p><p>"Ok '' Spencer says softly, his face pink with embarrassment. Spencer never wanted to be alone more than he did at that moment, the fact that he couldn't even get himself undressed made Spencer want to cry. Which would only make the situation worse. Why couldn't he do anything right? </p><p> </p><p>Morgan left the room and Spencer grabbed onto the rail on the shower door to haul himself up. He let the pants fall to the floor, focusing on lifting his leg into the shower. Once he was under the water, he turned the knob to the hottest it'll go. Spencer closed his eyes, trying to ignore the stinging in his arm, which he deserved. Why the hell did he lose it like that?  Maybe he was losing his mind. The thought made him shiver. No it was just withdrawal, it was messing with his cognitive functions. Spencer reached for the soap and began to wash himself the best he could. He heard Morgan come back in, he eventually could smell the cleaning supplies over the vanilla smell of the body wash.</p><p> </p><p>"All done, yell if you need me" Morgan says before leaving. Once everything was clean, Morgan decided to change his own clothes into a different pair of sweatpants and tshirt. He stayed in his room, taking a deep breath before dialing Hotchner's number.</p><p>"Morgan '' Hotch unanswered on the second ring.</p><p>"Hey Hotch, uh, I know kinda where spencers stash is"</p><p>"Kind of?"</p><p>"Well I know it's in his floor, the second board over from something, I caught him mumbling it several times but it just hit me what it meant" </p><p>"Ok, I can look when I go to pick up his stuff. How is he doing?"</p><p>"Not well, i think he's in the worst of it right now, he's in the shower right now, we had a small mishap"</p><p>"What happened?"</p><p>"Well he got sick, and then during an episode he tore at his stitches"</p><p>"Does he need to go back to the hospital?"</p><p>"No Hotch I have it under control now, I think I'm going to try and get him to eat, definitely drink something, and then go to bed."</p><p>"Ok, just let me know if you need help"</p><p>"Will do"</p><p>"And morgan?"</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>"How are you?"</p><p>"Im fine hotch" Morgan rolls his eyes, but tries to keep it out of his voice. Apparently he didn't because Hotch responds with</p><p>"I only ask because-"</p><p>"I know, i can't take care of anyone if i can't take care of myself"</p><p>"Right, now I have to go, thanks for keeping me updated"</p><p>"No problem"</p><p>"Talk to you later"</p><p>"Bye" and with that both men hung up. Morgan gets up and starts to head back to the guest room. He entered and saw Spencer, hair dripping onto his shoulders which were exposed as he tried to keep the towel from falling off his hips.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey pretty boy!" Morgan smiles, trying to liven the younger man up.</p><p>"Im sorry" spencer says, this time actually staring at Morgan, "I didn't want too, and I dont want too, but"</p><p>"I know kid" morgan says, "let's get you some clothes yea?" Spencer nods and Morgan quickly moves back into his room and gathers clothes for his friend.</p><p>Once Spencer was dressed, Morgan helped him climb down the stairs. They stood in the living room, Spencer's head was spinning and Morgan kept a tight grip on his friend's waist to keep him up.</p><p>"You good?"</p><p>"Y-yea" SPencer chokes, taking a hesitant step forward. Eventually both men made it to the kitchen, Spencer sitting at the counter, Morgan preparing food. He knew Spencer wasn't hungry but the man needed to eat. Morgan read that with going through withdrawal Spencer needed to eat foods high in fiber and electrolytes.</p><p>Spencer pursed his lips when Morgan set a bottle of gatorade and a plate of fruits and vegetables.</p><p>"I know you don't want to eat so i kept it light"</p><p>"Thanks' 'Spencer croaks, grabbing the fork and stabbing a piece of fruit. Morgan turns back and makes himself a sandwich to go with his fruits and vegetables.</p><p>"I can make you one of these if you think you could eat it '' Morgan held up his sandwich to Spencer, who just shook his head. "Ok" and with that, both men ate in silence. Spencer was able to finish his gatorade and most of his plate before he had to lay his head on the counter, letting out a moan as his stomach rolled.</p><p>"Ok, don't force it, you're done for now that's ok" Morgan takes the plate away and sets it in the fridge for later. "Couch or bed" Morgan asks, wrapping his arm around Spencer to help the man up.</p><p>"I don't care," Spencer sighs, keeping his eyes shut and leaning his full weight on morgan.</p><p>"Let's do bed, get some sleep"</p><p>Spencer nods, tripping over his feet and Morgan had to bring his other hand up to catch him. With Morgan's hand sprawled on Spencer's chest they stood there a second before Spencer got his breathing back under control. Then the two proceeded to go back up those treacherous stairs.</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Morgan got spencer into the bed, with his fever gone the younger man was now allowed the blankets. Morgan made sure Spencer was aware of the drinks on the bedside table, as well as plugging in his cell phone, placing it on the actual bed and close to Spencer's hands to try and avoid the earlier incident. Spencer's eyes were already fluttering closed when Morgan stood up to leave. As the older man turned to leave he felt a cold set of fingers grab his wrist.</p><p>"Please" Spencer breathes, keeping his grip tight. Morgan doesn't say anything, just sits down on the edge of the bed. Spencer relaxes, his hand still holding onto morgans, who swiped his thumb over Spencer's pale skin. Morgan could tell Spencer wasn't sleeping, his breathing still coming in and out in harsh gasps.</p><p>"Spencer" morgan says softly, "you need to get some rest"</p><p>"I can't" the younger whispers,</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>"That's when he comes back"</p><p>'Who?"</p><p>"Tobias' ' Both men kept their voices hushed, as if the topic being discussed couldn't touch the walls around them.</p><p>"Is that why you kept waking up scared?"</p><p>"Maybe" Morgan smiles a little at the answer, before standing up again.</p><p>"Wait!" Spencer squeaks, sitting up quickly with wide eyes before slumping back into the pillows and groaning.</p><p>"It's alright kid," Morgan says, quickening his pace as he walks around the bed, Spencer opening his eyes again when he feels the other side of the bed shift. This time Morgan climbed all the way into the bed. Spencer tensed when he felt Morgan wrap his arms around his shoulders.</p><p>"Relax, its ok" morgan says into Spencers ear, "you need to get some sleep, he won't get you with me here"</p><p>"He won't get me because he's dead" spencer spits,</p><p>"Spencer"</p><p>"What? I know it's not rational. I know he can't really get me"</p><p>"Just because that beautiful mind of yours knows that, does not make the experience any less real and scary and that's ok" Morgan spoke while adjusting them so Spencer laid with his back against Morgan's chest, Morgan's arms crossed over Spencer's stomach and chest.</p><p>"Morgan"</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>"Thank you" Spencer sighs, not being able to fight his eyelids anymore as they dropped.</p><p>"Its ok pretty boy, just sleep" Morgan rested his chin on spencers head, the voice in the back of his head scremaing about just how gay this was, that this will never leave this room. But it was overpowered by the fact that his friend needed this, that this was all he could do. Spencer's hair smelled faintly of the wash Morgan had in his guest room, but the scent was faint under the scent of Spencer himself. Morgan couldn't explain the smell, but it was familiar and the fact that it meant Reid was safe and resting, it made Morgan relax as well.</p><p>A few times Spencer would tense in his sleep, his hands coming to hold onto Morgan's arms, his feet curling and a whimper leaving his lips. But every time he relaxed after Morgan whispered in his ear that he was ok, he was safe, and his hands gripped Spencer's cold ones.</p><p>Eventually both men fell asleep, Morgan automatically tightening his arms around Spencer when the younger man fussed. The movement which usually bothered the younger man seemed to actually work, the gesture waking Spencer up enough to get out of his dream but not to enter consciousness.</p><p>Morgan was woken up when Spencer fell out of his arms. Morgan sat up to Spencer leaning over the side of the bed, puking into the basket on the floor. MOrgan rubbed Reid's back as it shuttered under the process. Once he was done spencer collapsed back into bed, panting as sweat beaded around his hairline. Morgan got up, emptying out the bucket and cleaning it before returning with a glass of water for Spencer who quickly drank it. Morgan climbed back into bed, his eyes still half lidded as he resumed the position. Spencer gripped his hand, tightening his grip every so often when the pain in his stomach shocked him awake. Once he was able to fall asleep again his fingers went limp.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Spencer opened his eyes to the barn doors. His heart pounded in his ears as he struggled against the handcuffs.</p><p>"This isn't real, this is not real, this isn't real" he muttered under his breath, trying to steady his breathing. He felt something touch his back and he arched out of the way. He tried to turn but couldnt see anything. He heard the door creak open and snapped his head in that direction. The smell of burning fish makes his eyes water. Tobias entered the room, his eyes staring right into Spencers.</p><p>"Are you ready to confess your sins?" Tobias's voice was gruff and it made Spencer's stomach clench.</p><p>"I'm not a sinner," Spencer managed to say, but to say it sounded like it came from a grown man would be incorrect.</p><p>"That's what they all say" tobias moves forward, grabbing the switch from the floor.</p><p>"No, no please" Spencer whimpers as Tobias moves closer, the other man grips Spencer's ankle harshly. The fingers digging into spencers nerve at his ankle made a hot burning sensation pulse through his joint. "No please '' Spencer says, trying to pull his foot out of the tobias grip but the other man just tightens his fingers before bringing his other hand back. SPencer let out a scream when the skin on his bare foot was split open from the impact. Tobais repeated the movement several times before dropping Spencer's foot. Blood splattered around his foot when it hit the dirty floor. Spencer winced at the amount of bacteria probably just entered his blood stream.</p><p>"Confess"</p><p>"I have nothing to confess too" Spencer chokes out, wincing when Tobas stepped closer, the automatic response made Spencer curl his toes, the movement sending pain through the wounds on his feet.</p><p>"Confess!"</p><p>"No!" SPencer yells back before quickly recoiling. Suddenly Tobias hands were at his belt buckle.</p><p>"No, no no '' Spencer moaned, tugging more at his restraints with no results. The belt snapped together before tobais raised his hand again. The leather hit Spencer's leg and he let out another loud scream. Tobais repeated it several times before Spencer snapped his eyes open.</p><p>"Spencer!" Morgan's voice made Spencer jerk awake, His chest heaving as he took in his surroundings. He was on his back, Morgan over him. They were in Morgan's guest room. SPencer was sweaty and shaky. Morgan lowered his voice, no longer having to scream his friends name and shake him out of his sleep.</p><p>"Hey kid '' Morgan smiles a little, using his finger to brush Spencer's hair out of his face. Spencer's eyes stopped darting and Morgan gasped when the younger man lurched forward. Spencer's arms wrapped around Derek's neck, pushing his face into Morgan's shoulder. Morgan lowered himself a little, rolling over so the men were on their side, Spencer still clinging to Morgan. Derek brought his hand up and rubbed spencers back as sobs cracked through the younger man's vocal cords.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Once Spencer calmed down, he stayed pressed into Morgan's chest.</p><p>"The drugs take him away" he says softly, making Morgan's breath catch in his throat before he gets it back in control. "They take it all away, I don't want to need them, but I do," Spencer let out another sob, his hands twisting in a Morgan's shirt. "I want it all to stop"</p><p>"I know," Morgan says, rubbing spencers back before tightening his grip around him. The two laid like that for a while. Once it was clear they weren't going to bed for a while, Morgan got up and made Spencer sit up.</p><p>"Drink '' Morgan said, handing the gatorade to Reid. Who took it without fuss, slowly bringing it to his lips and sipping on it. Morgan checked the time and saw it was just past midnight. Spencer would be around hour 34 in his withdrawal, Derek read that after 48 hours everything should be much easier to deal with. Psychcally at least, Morgan wasnt stupid, he knew the mnetal toll would last for years after if not spencers whole life. He took the bottle from Spencer's outstretched hand and set it back on the bed.</p><p>"Lets try and get some more sleep ok?" Spencer just nodded and moved lower on the bed, "do you want me to stay?" Morgan asked, unsure whether to go back to his room or stay here. Spencer gave a quick shake of his head,</p><p>"You don't have too"</p><p>"Are you sure?"</p><p>"Mhhm"</p><p>"Ok, well your phone is right here" morgan moved it closer so it touched spencers knuckles, "and i'm right next door." With that Morgan gave Spencer one more look over and slowly left the room. He kept the hall light on and both bedroom doors open. He didn't really want to leave Spencer, but he also didn't want the younger man to feel crowded.</p><p> What He didn't know was that as soon as he left Spencer's heart began racing. Spencer didn't want to be alone, but he wanted Morgan to get some sleep. He felt guilty about taking up all the man's time and resources and being cared for. Spencer knew that Morgan was doing this because he wanted to, that he could have easily pushed the young doctor out of his life forever when he found out he was using, but instead Derek chose to help. </p><p> Even though the rational part of Spencer's brain told him that, the anxiety made him scared. Made him worry that Morgan was getting sick of him and would eventually kick him out. He tightened his grip around the blanket and pushed his face into the pillow to muffle his whine. God he was so pathetic, he was almost in his thirties, and he's blubbering like a baby over being alone. There are people with far worse, his own mother for instance. Spencer didn't start the drugs, but he did continue to use them. He had a choice, and he chose the wrong one. He always did.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Morgan laid in his bed unable to sleep, instead he stared toward the door and kept listening for any kind of noise. After almost twenty minutes he heard what he was waiting for.</p><p>"No, no, no, no, no, no. no" Spencers ranting was low but the quiet house made the words float into Morgan's room with ease. Morgan let out a sigh and got out of bed, glad he knew to stay up. He quietly walked toward the guest room, Spencer's voice getting clearer. When he entered, Spencer wasn't on the bed, Morgan furrowed his brows when he saw he wasn't in the bathroom either. His voice led Morgan to the closest.</p><p>Spencer sat huddled in the closet, his hands tugging at his hair.</p><p>"Reid" morgan said softly, he was trying to avoid startling Spencer but failed since the young man screamed and huddled further back.</p><p>"No, no, no, no, I didnt i promise I didn't!"</p><p>"You didn't?" Morgan asked, crouching down so he was eye level.</p><p>"I didn't use, I didn't mean too, I didn't" Spencer was repeating, his head starting to shake more vigorously back and forth.</p><p>"I know you didn't"</p><p>"No, no ,i didn't"</p><p>"I know, hey, hey pretty boy it's ok"</p><p>"It's not ok, he's not letting it be ok, he's gonna force me, i'm gonna relapse, it's gonna get worse" Spencer kept babbling, his eyes just briefly landed on Morgans before they frantically looked around him.</p><p>"Kid"</p><p>"No, no don't touch me!"</p><p>"Ok '' Morgan held his hands up, shifting so he sat criss crossed, resting his hands on his knees. Spencer kept looking past morgan.</p><p>"Don't let him touch me" Spencer's voice was brittle and he was crumpled into himself in a way Morgan has never seen before.</p><p>"I wont kid, I promise" Morgan said softly, keeping still as he slowly relaxed a little, trying to not seem too intimidating to his friend. The two sat like that for what felt like hours but Morgan was sure it was only a few minutes before Spencer's head, which was leaning against the wall and his knees slumped forward. His tight posture relaxed slightly, not much, but enough to show Morgan he was asleep. Even in sleep though Spencer was full of anxiety. </p><p>Derek carefully picked up spencer, freezing every time the latter shifted even the slightest bit in his arms. He got Reid back into bed, this time Morgan didn't leave though. This time he crawled into the bed on the other side. He turned so he could face Spencer, who had curled into a ball on his side. The two men laid facing each other, one trembling once and awhile, the other slowly losing the battle against his heavy eyelids.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Derek was awakened by Spencer screaming his name. Morgan's Eyes shot open when Spencer sat up in bed, his voice cracking as he yelled</p><p>"Morgan got him off me!"</p><p>"Whoa! Hey Reid I'm right here!" Morgan said quickly getting up on his knees so he was eye level with Spencer who kept glancing around the room.</p><p>"Sorry" the younger mumbles, slumping down and averting his eyes from Morgan in embarrassment. He was in his late twenties and here he was screaming for his best friend like a child.</p><p>"Hey it's ok, want to talk about it? " Morgan asked, getting back under the covers and laying on his side to look at Spencer who just shook his head. "Com'er" Morgan sighs, holding his arm up and inviting Spencer to move over. Spencer didn't move. Morgan didn't want to push him but he also knew that the most Spencer slept this week was when he was either drugged or when Morgan had him.</p><p>"You need sleep, and we both know comfort will help you get that" Morgan said softly, keeping his arm extended. When Spencer still didn't move Morgan sighed and laid his arm back down. Morgan closed his eyes and adjusted his position again, extending his arm out enough so his hand laid on top of the covers close to Spencer but not touching him.</p><p>After a few minutes Morgan felt the bed move a little as Spencer tried to get a little more comfortable. After shifting a few times he laid still. Morgan was about to let himself try to get some sleep when he felt Spencer's cold fingers slowly wrap loosely around morgans. Morgan smiled, moving his own hand so it could hold spencers and after giving him a squeeze morgan let himself fully relax. The fact that Morgan could touch Spencer and know he was ok was enough to put Morgan at ease.</p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Im sorry that its been so long for me to post, school and my health has been keeping me busy. here's a few chapters, and I promise I didn't forget about this book.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next day was slow. It started with the sun waking up Morgan who then took note that his body was getting a little sore from not working out every day like he usually did. Spencer still stayed asleep but Morgan chuckled at the sight, Spencer sprawled across the mattress. His shoulders and arms were touching Morgan when he was in the bed and when the older man got out Spencer wrinkled his nose and let out a little whine before he rolled over and burrowed further under the blankets.  Morgan left the room, changing into more suitable workout clothing before grabbing his phone off the charger. He shot Spencer a text, telling him that Morgan would be going for a run and would be back soon. Morgan wasn't planning on doing his usual hours long run, just one or two laps around the block.  He needed to work out the kinks that were settling in his calves. </p><p>The morning air was crisp and it made goosebumps rise on his skin and the air leaving his mouth was just barely seen.  Morgan jogged half the block before breaking out into a run, smiling a little at the surge of energy and the ecstasy the workout gave him. After running the block three times he jogged up to the front steps of his house.  Morgan stayed quiet and on the balls of his feet as he booked it up the stairs. Peeking his head around the door frame he checked in on Spencer, the younger man was still sleeping. One closed eye and his unruly hair peeking out from under the blankets.  Morgan turned and went back downstairs, this time to his home gym.  He tried to keep the volume low, playing music in one headphone and not dropping any of the dumbells like he usually did. </p><p>Once he finished Morgan checked on Spencer again, he was still asleep. Morgan was a little surprised the younger man was still sleeping, but was happy he was. Spencer looked so tired and the fact that he hasn't been properly sleeping or eating for however long it was no wonder he would sleep so long and hard once he had the chance. Morgan took a quick shower and changed into a clean pair of sweatpants and tank top. He retreaded downstairs and began making himself breakfast, his stomach growling loudly in the quiet house which was slowly becoming more and more brighter as the sun rose. After Morgan made eggs and toast he turned on his tv and sat down on the couch with his plate. Keeping the volume low so as to not wake up spencer or to hear spencer if he needed anything. </p><p>Morgan was able to eat, clean his dishes, watch another episode of the cheesy morning show the tv played and was elbow deep into a case file before he lifted his head to noises coming from the hallway. Eventually Spencer came shuffling in. </p><p>The two men nodded at each other, then proceeded to do their own thing, Derek occasionally looking up from the files to glance at spencer. Spencer sat at the ncounter across from Morgan with a bowl of cereal. Slowly lifting the spoon and taking his time chewing on the oats. <br/>The ringing of the phone jerked both men out of their trance. </p><p>“Morgan,” Derek says holding the phone to his ear and setting the file down. </p><p>“It's hotch” he whispers to Spencer who stared at him waiting. “Yea, he's right here” morgan hands the phone to spencer. </p><p>“Hello” Spencer croaks before clearing his throat from the thickness. “Hello” he repeated. </p><p>“Hey Reid, I found an AA group that could help you,I think you should consider going” Hotchner got right to the point, even though his words were suggesting, his tone told Spencer that he was going whether he wanted to or not. </p><p>“Good morning to you too” SPencer mutters sarcastically. “Yea, sounds good, send me the information and I'll take the train to the next meeting.” <br/>Morgan was pretending to not be listening and just reading the file but the raide in his eyebrows told Spencer otherwise. </p><p>“No, i'll be taking you” </p><p>“Oh, uh, ok” Spencer sputtered, nodding his head even though hotch couldn't see him. </p><p>“Ok, and morgans returning to work today?” </p><p>“I think so, i'll give you back to him.” </p><p>“Ok, i'll see you in a few days Reid” </p><p>“Ok, by sir.” spencer muttered before handing the phone back to morgan. Who held the phone with his shoulder pushing it to his ear. His hands are still flipping through the files. </p><p>“Yea, yes i'm coming in after lunch.” Morgan nodded a few times, Spencer watched him as he resumed his eating, the cereal slowly rising to his mouth where it would sit for a few seconds before he would start chewing. </p><p>“Yea i got the files, im looking over them again right now. I actually have a few things to bring up in the meeting that I noticed.” <br/>Spencer leaned forward a little, trying to peer over the edge of the files. He was itching to get back to work, his head already moving sluggish and it was driving him up the wall. Morgan tucked the paper away, smirking at the young doctor.  Spencer pouted, finishing up his cereal and standing up to clean it. </p><p>“Yes i'll pick it up, i'll be there in a few hours, ok bye” morgan finishes up the call, hanging up the phone and putting all the files back in his bag. Spencer washes the dish and puts it on the drying rack in silence before stepping around Morgan and going toward the couch.</p><p>“I'm gonna need to go home to pick up some more books” Spencer mumbled, his finger touching the spines of some of the books Morgan had. </p><p>“What you don't like sports monthly?” Morgan teased, nudging Spencer with the magazine. Reid rolls his eyes, reaching forward and grabbing a random book off the small shelf. He flips through it, it was a building manual, Spencers already read this. Twice. He places the book back with a sigh, he turns and gets on the couch, pulling the blanket down onto him. <br/>Spencer flicks through the channels, settling on the discovery channel. The narrator's voice fills the room with facts about penguins. </p><p>Morgan settled down next to Spencer, handing him a cup of coffee, the liquid was a lot lighter than morgans. Spencer tested it and smiled a little to himself at how Morgan knew how he liked his coffee.</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's been a little over a week since Spencer was forced to go home. It's been 88 hours, 25 minutes and 14, 15, 16 seconds since Spencer had duliaded his system.  He sat on the edge of the bed, dressed in clean slacks and button down, his first time wearing clothes beside sweatpants and baggy shirts. His chest was tight with anxiety, Hotch should be there soon, the older man insisted, more so ordered, to take Reid to his first AA meeting. </p><p>Morgan left that morning to go back to work, and both had called in a frequently checked in on spencer. It was the second day of him being left alone and frankly he was getting annoyed. His head was back to working full force, racing at a thousand miles an hour. His leg bounced up and down the thudding of his heel on the floor was the only noise in the entire house. </p><p>“Coffee” Spencer mutters, pushing up from the bed and heading downstairs to the kitchen. The empty house didn't give Read a lot to work with. A Lot of his belongings still sat gathering dust in his apartment and Morgan and Hotch wouldn't let him go to retrieve them, let alone go back home to sleep. Not that Spencer really wanted to sleep in his own bed, the one in his apartment was a piece of plywood compared to Morgan's guest bed. Plus the thought of being alone made Spencer's skin crawl. He's been trying to avoid thinking about how easy it would be to relapse, to just slip away and go home and return to that numb yellow feeling. Instead he focused on starting the coffee pot, and taking time picking out the coffee mug he would use. Spencer has been trying to slow everything down and hyper focus on the smallest things in order to keep his mind from wandering. Right now his eyes were fixated on the small crack that peaked out from under the top of the handle, the thin line spread very faintly across the side of the mug until it faded away. His hands gently moved the mug aside and instead grabbed the one behind it. This one was black, had a gold rim with gold specks that faded in intensity as it went down.  </p><p>Spencer placed the mug under the dispenser and stood there watching the dark liquid splash into the mug, small drops splashing out of the mug and making hardly noticeable spots on the counter under the coffee machine.  Once it finished Spencer carefully grabbed the handle, careful not to touch the side of the mug to avoid getting burned like he accidently did the other morning.  While piling the sugar into the coffee Spencer found himself smiling a little when he heard a morgans voice complaining about the amount of sugar and coffee he's had to buy since Spencer “moved in”. Usually the teasing would make Spencer uncomfortable but he knew Morgan was only joking, that he only had to buy coffee and sugar two days ago in preparation for when Spencer's stomach allowed him to ingest anything.  Him and Morgan ate breakfast before Morgan left for work, it wasn't anything fancy, just eggs and sausage.  Morgan ate almost three times as much as spencer but both were proud that spencer was even hungry enough and physically able to eat one serving.  </p><p>Spencer sat on the couch, his legs crossed in front of him. He used one hand to hold onto the coffee mug that sat on the cushion next to him, his other hand had his phone. It was 10:45 meaning Spencer had 15 minutes before Hotch would show up. He had no idea why they were going to one that was at noon, but Spencer didn’t fight it. Anything to get out of this house.  Spencer drank his coffee in silence, his eyes slowly gazing and unfocusing at random things. He was beyond bored. </p><p>Spencer jumped at the knocking on the door. Luckily his mug was empty and his phone was on the table so nothing was damaged. Spencer quickly got up and raced to the door to let who he presumed to be Hotch inside.  He swung the door open and gave a small </p><p>“Hi” to his unit chief. Hotchner stood on the porch looking down at his phone that he was composing a text with one hand, the other gave Spencer a wave. Spencer was a little shocked, Hotch was wearing jeans and a dark blue pull over, it's not like the team has never seen Aaron out of a suit but the few times they did send shocks into every member. Spencer heard Hotch follow him into the house when he turned to put his coffee mug away in the kitchen. </p><p>“How are you feeling?” Hotch asks when Spencer was bent over the sink washing out his mug.  The young anget just shrugged. He wasn't feeling grand, but he definitely didn't feel nearly as bad as he had the past few days.  They fell into silence as Spencer finished up his mess, before grabbing his bag off the chair in the living room and securing it over his shoulder. His fists tightening around the strap as he gave Hotch a thin lipped smile and following him out the door. Spencer locked the door behind them and then climbed into the passenger seat of Hotchner's car. The ride to the AA meeting was quiet for the first few minutes, the only noise being from the low volume of the pop song on the radio. After a few minutes though hotch took a deep breath and started speaking. </p><p>“I proud of you Spencer” </p><p>Reid was shocked at Hotch's words but when his wide eyes focused on the man beside him Hotchner's dark eyes were staring straight ahead at the road. Before spencer could stutter out a reply though hotch kept talking, </p><p>“But this is just the beginning, Morgan and I know you have a bigger stash at your apartment, and we know that you are going to need our support and help for awhile and we are both more than willing to be there for you ok?” This time Hotch looked away from the road and over at the gangly man next to him, Spencer's hair had fallen out from behind his ear and hid part of his face that was flaming red.  “We are going to take it one step at a time, but i want to do this right so you can come back, the whole team misses you.” </p><p>“I miss them too” Spencer whispers, his chest had a weird feeling, it was warm with affection toward his unit chief but that warmth felt like it was encaged in anxiety. It's been a week since Spencer left, what did his team think was wrong with him? Was he going to have to tell them about this? What if they find out? What if they find out and get mad at Spencer for not telling them? What if he's shunned from the team, still working on the force but as a consultant? What if, what if-</p><p>It was then Spencer’s side door opened and he let out a yelp thinking he was about to be thrown from the moving car. His eyes quickly notified him that the car isn't moving anymore. Instead Hotchner stood crouched in front of Spencer who hadn't realized his hands started clawing at his chest, neck and hair. His chest was heaving and he couldn't get the air into his lungs. Hotch gently grabbed Spencer's trembling hands and pulled them away from him. </p><p>“Spencer” hotch said slowly, keeping his eyes trained on spencers who kept trying to look away but hotch kept shifting his head to meet gazes again. </p><p>“Spencer '' he repeated, “come on you have to calm down” Hotch took a dramatic long breath, “breath with me” Spencer was trying, my god was he trying. But the embarrassment of this whole situation made his chest tighten with more anxiety and the air kept getting cut off. </p><p>“Reid” Hotch snapped Spencer back into the real world. Hotch placed one of Spencer's hands on his chest, Spencer could feel the steady heart beat under the navy pullover.  He closed his eyes and tried to take slow deep breaths. </p><p>Spencer wasn't sure how long they sat there on the side of the road but once he got his breathing under control and his head stopped spinning he was able to open his eyes and look at Hotch. </p><p>“Thanks” Spencer croaks, casting his eyes down to his feet in shame. God he was so pathetic. </p><p>“What happened?” Hotch was still crouching in front of spencer. </p><p>“Anxiety” </p><p>“I could tell that” Hotch says a little teasingly, the sound is weird and makes Spencer tilt his head a little.  Every time Aaron Hotchner acted like an actual human being it was a weird experience. </p><p>“Im sorry” Spencer brings his hands up and wipes his eyes a little before pinching the bridge of his nose. </p><p>“Spencer, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong” <br/>Hotch was right, but Spencer didn't really want help, well he did but he wasn't sure how to use the help offered to him. His whole life he's handled things alone, and he already felt so small and powerless compared to the rest of the team and here he was, having another breakdown in front of his unit chief, proving yet again that he doesn't deserve anything he has at the FBI. </p><p>“I'm sorry” Spencer shakes his head, “I'm sorry” he keeps repeating, his elbows getting itchy. The feeling made Spencer's heart race and his palms sweaty. “No,” he whispers, his eyes defocusing and widening. </p><p>“Spencer?” </p><p>“No” Spencer repeats, the urge to use flooding his senses. He could feel his veins throbbing, his skin prickling under his clothes. He could feel the soft flesh of his inner arm heating and begging. His whole body was begging for it. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up when the voices in his head started up. </p><p>“You need it” Tobias whispered and Spencer felt a shutter go down his spine making him contort strangely in the passenger seat for a moment. Hotch had his eyebrows drawn together in worry. </p><p>“No I don't,” Spencer spits through gritted teeth and that's when Hotch realized what was happening. Spencer was craving the drugs, his body got stressed and its automatic reaction was to use that coping mechanism. A ache settled in Hotch’s chest as he wondered how long Spencer had been struggling in silence and used that as his escape for so long that once under the slightest bit of stress his body craved it? </p><p>Hotch needed to get spencers attention, </p><p>“Reid '' at the sound of his name spencer looked up but hotch could tell spencer wasn't really focusing on him, no he was instead focused on what his body was telling him. Instead of seeing Aaron in front of him Spencer could see his floor boards in his mind's eye, he could see the exact floorboard he needed to get too to get to his stash. His fingers twitched in his lap before he clenched his hands into fists and pushed them against his thighs.<br/>Spencer clenched his eyes shut, wrapping his arms around him and hotchner noticed that the younger man was holding his breath. </p><p>“Reid!” Hotch repeated, putting a hand on Spencer's shoulder. This made the younger man's eyes snap open, the breath of air rushing out of his nose and his arms tightened around him. </p><p>“Sorry, sorry, i'm good '' Spencer rushed, bringing a hand up to once again pinch the bridge of his nose. Hotchner waited until he turned back into the passenger seat before standing up and closing the door of the car. Hotch stayed quiet as he rounded the car, got back into the driver's seat and started it back up. Both men were held still with the tension in the air until they finally turned onto the road that held the building in which the meeting was being held. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you want me to come in with you?” Hotch asks, glancing over at Spencer who was fixated on the road in front of them as the car slowed down and pulled into the parking lot. </p><p>“No,” Reid said, his voice airy and matched the far away look his eyes held. Hotch nodded, </p><p>“I am going to walk you to the door though” With that hotch got out, waiting at the hood of the car for Reid to stumble out and join him. The duo walked to the small sidewalk that wrapped around the building, following it till they met a set of large wooden doors. One door was propped open showing the chairs set up inside, most already full. In front of the closed door stood a sign informing them that they were in fact at the right place. Hotch offered Spencer a smile which Spencer hardly returned before watching the younger man walk into the room. Spencer looked so much smaller than he should have, his clothes practically hanging off him. His shaggy hair looked like he just woke up even though the whole team knew it would look like that no matter what Spencer did. His sweater vest looked almost baggy on him and the way he walked hunched over, shrinking into himself made Hotchner's chest ache. Yes Aaron was the unit chief, but the whole team was a family and Spencer was the baby of that family, no matter how much he hated it it was true. The fact that Hotchner didn't catch this sooner made the older man angry, he could've stopped this. He shook his head and turned around walking back to the car to wait. He was helping now, he can't change the past. </p><p>Meanwhile Spencer was anxiously scanning the room, taking in its occupants. He doesn't belong here. Spencer wasn't an addict, he was an agent, he did not abuse drugs, he just used them sometimes for release but he could stop, hell he did stop. As much as he didnt want to be there he had promised Morgan and Hotch that he would at least try and with that in his mind he took a deep breath before lifting his head slightly and sitting down in the chair closest to the door. This offered a quick getaway. As soon as he sat down though that small burst of confidence left him and he sat hunched over, curled into himself, hugging his bag to his chest and his ankles crossed and tucked under the chair. For a man his size, Spencer sure was a pro at making himself appear small, defenseless and invisible.  After a few more minutes the chattering around the room died down and soon everyone was seated and sat staring at the man who entered the room and took a seat in the last remaining cahir. This man was much better dressed than everyone else beside for maybe Reid. The difference between the two though was that this man's clothes did not appear to be too large for him. </p><p>Spencer wasn't really there for the first meeting. The time instead was spent by Reid analyzing everyone's body language. Whenever he was expected to speak, he just shook his head as he was told he wasn't required to talk since it was his first day.  Reid didn't belong here, he wasn't an addict, he was able to stop, he was an FBI agent, he had a doctorate. By the time the meeting was over, Reid stood up and tried to maneuver around everyone to get out. His slight frame still crumpled into itself and his hands tight around the strap of his messenger bag. </p><p>“Hey kid! What's your name I didn't catch it” Spencer halted when a man in his thirties stepped in front of him, holding a styrofoam cup of room temperature coffee. </p><p>“Uh, its, uh, spencer” Reid's eyes were darting around the room, which the other man noticed because he kept shifting to be in Spencer's line of sight, which made him even more uncomfortable. He needed to leave, he needed to get back to the car so they could get back to work. </p><p>“Cool, I'm Brandon,” Brandon held up his coffee cup, “you gonna try the coffee? It's not that bad” </p><p>“No thanks” spencer shook his head and ran his hand through his hair, “i, um, i have to go” </p><p>“Go? Where?”</p><p>“Work”</p><p>“Work? Well your farther along than most of us here, why are you even here?” </p><p>“I promised a uh, a friend i would come, now please” Spencer tried to shuffle past brandon “i have to go”  Brandon just nodded, </p><p>“See you next week kid!” <br/>That statement made a Spencer shutter. Ducking his head down he was able to get out of the room and out onto the sidewalk. Letting out a sigh he lifted his head and looked around for Hotchner's car. He couldn't see it so he pulled his cell phone out, dialing hotch’s number, </p><p>“Hotchner” </p><p>“I, uh, i can't-”</p><p>“Oh, im to your left”<br/>Spencer turned and saw Hotchner flash his lights, Spencer hung up and headed toward his boss's car. </p><p>“How was the meeting?” Hotch asked as Spencer got in and buckled up. </p><p>“Alright” Spencer muttered, keeping his eyes casted down at his hands that fiddled with the hem of his shirt. </p><p>“Well I didn't expect the first day to be a joy, but i'm proud of you for going” <br/>Spencer blushed a little at hotchner's praise, </p><p>“Now where?” </p><p>“Well do you think you're up for going to the office for a bit?” </p><p>“Yes!” Spencer jerked his head up, and his expression was almost like a kid excited to go to an amusement park, this made hotch bite the inside of his mouth to keep from smiling,</p><p>“ You'll only be doing work in the bullpen, i'm not putting you in the field yet” </p><p>“Thats, thats uh, ok!” </p><p>“Ok, then, lets go” </p><p>After a few silent minutes spencer looked at hotch, </p><p>“What's uh, what should i tell everyone?” </p><p>“Just say that you where sick and now your feeling a little better but starting in slow until you get back to 100%” </p><p>“Ok” Spencer nodded, turning his head to look out the window of the car, recognizing the buildings as they got closer to the bureau. </p><p>Once they arrived, Hotch parked, and the two walked in silence to the elevator in the parking garage. The ride up was quiet as well, actually the only sound was the occasional shifting of Reid's bag on his hip and the men’s breathing.  It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but Spencer's anxiety was rising at the idea of finally seeing his friends and coworkers. Once the doors finally opened they saw Gracia walking past the doors, she stopped and turned, when she saw Spencer, her face lit up.</p><p>“Boy wonder!!” She yelled, running as fast as her heels would allow. Spencer tensed but chuckled a little and smiled when she wrapped her arms around him and rambled about how much she missed him.   In hearing the racket Emily poked her head into the hallway, and smiled, turning and yelling back into the bullpen, </p><p>“Guess who's back!” before stepping into the hallway, and smiling as Spencer who was being rocked back and forth by garcia. </p><p>“Let me in'' Emily smiles, removing the other woman's hands so she could replace them with her own. Unlike Garcia, Emily kept her hug short and sweet, already knowing about Spencer not liking to be touched, but also because the young doctor was clearly uncomfortable to begin with. <br/>By the time she pulled away morgan and JJ was behind her, </p><p>“Pretty boy!” Morgan smiled, pulling Spencer toward him, his hand resting on the back of Spencer's head. Morgan turned his head so his mouth touched Spencer's ear, “how are you holding up?” Even though it's only been a few hours since the two had seen each other, Morgan was so worried about his friend all day. It's the longest they've been apart in almost a month and morgans got used to always being with the young doctor. </p><p>“Fine, thanks' 'Spencer whispered back, smiling at Morgan as the two pulled away. Spencer didn't want to admit it, but he missed constantly being around Morgan, and part of him didn't want Morgan to let him go, just wanted to stay curled up to him, constantly touching.  He's gotten used to them sharing a bed, or cuddling on the couch, or Morgan constantly touching him somehow, Spencer didn't realize how touch deprived he had been until he and Morgan got shoved into a house together for almost a month.  Morgans over protectiveness easily showing.  The two pulled away before it got weird, it was different in public than in the house. </p><p>“Hey spence'' JJ smiled coming in and hugging her friend, by now Gideon had heard the news and joined the group, once JJ pulled away, lifting her hand and ruffling spencer's hair, gideon stepped up and placed a hand on spencer's shoulder, offering a smile and a silent nod. SPencer smiled back, his heart swelling at the love he had for his team and their love for him. The group turned and walked back into the bullpen, Hotch and Gideon walking up to their offices, the others gathered around Spencer's desk as he sat down. The case files he needed to go over had piled up on his desk, it was almost daunting. </p><p>Morgan noticed the tight lines appearing on Spencer's face and was quick to try and get everyone to leave. </p><p>“Ok guys, let's let pretty boys breathe” He winked at Spencer who nodded in thanks, as everyone pulled away and went back to their desks. Spencer stayed quiet for a minute, breathing in deeply and slowly before leaning forward and grabbing a file off the top of the pile.  <br/>The feeling of eyes watching him made his skin crawl but Spencer tried to act like he didn't notice. He was able to go through several case files before needing to lean back and push the palms of his hand into his eyes. It felt nice to do something as routine as work. SPencer had already read every book Morgan owned, which wasn't many, and didn't interest Spencer at all mind you, as well as the few Morgan and Hotch brought him from his own apartment since he still wasn't allowed to go in there himself. He let out a sigh and then returned to work, except this time as he was pulling a new file toward him a hand stopped him. JJ’s hand was sprawled across the file and her hip entered Spencer's line of vision when she sat down on the corner of his desk. He looked up and saw her eyes were slightly glassy.</p><p>“Why didn't you talk to me at all? You've been gone for almost two weeks and i didnt get any returned texts or calls or emails, nothing, i was worried spence” <br/>Spencer winced, he had been avoiding everyone's communications since being on lock down at morgans. Mostly because he didn't know what to tell them, and because in the beginning it was  fear that he'd let something slip in his frantic attempt at relapsing. Now that he's been clean for enough time that he could pass as a normal human being, he was terrified that telling anyone that he was so weak before would ruin him. </p><p>“Im sorry JJ, I wasn't in the right mind set and couldn't really talk to anyone” </p><p>“I know that, I wanted to help” She shifted so she was a little closer, blinking a few times. “I can't imagine, being so sick that you, spencer reid, won't even go to work, but instead be all alone in your apartment” She shook her head, “i don't care who you are, everyone always needs someone to care for them when they are sick” </p><p>“JJ-”</p><p>“I even went to your apartment, where you were so sick you couldn't even get to the door?” </p><p>“You were at my apartment?” </p><p>“Yes” </p><p>“Why? Why would you-”</p><p>“Because” she scoffed, “I care about you spence, we all do, we were all so so worried” </p><p>“JJ” Hotchner's voice was loud over the bullpen and the blonde stopped talking to the doctor. She stood up, patting his shoulder before walking over to the unit chief. Spencer didn't hear what was being said, but he did notice hotch and morgan glancing at him a few times before hotch handed JJ a case file. She nodded, and then returned to her desk, casting a smile at Spencer who returned it with a nod. He then nodded at hotchner as a thank you and the unit chief just pursed his lips before returning to his office. </p><p>The rest of the day was uneventful. Thankfully. Spencer wasn't sure what he would do if they all got called out on a case and he had to watch them all leave. Instead it was spent with paperwork up to their ears, and a lot of friendly banter. Spencer missed this. <br/>When the end of the day came Spencer was packing up his messenger bag when Garcia came bounding over. </p><p>“Hey kid genuines” </p><p>“Hey Penelope” </p><p>“We are going out” </p><p>“What?” Spencer paused and looked up, watching as Emily and JJ joined them. </p><p>“We. Are. Going. Out” Garcia overenounicated each word, but the huge smile on her face never left. </p><p>“Yea we missed you!” Emily piped up, leaning forward to playfully shove spencer in the shoulder. </p><p>“I, uh, I can't,” Spencer sputtered, his eyes looking around for Morgan or Hotch to save him. </p><p>“Sure you can! Youve been locked up for days, let us treat you!” Emily’s smile faltered a little but she was quick to save it. </p><p>“You guys know that isn't really my scene” </p><p>“Aw come on spence” JJ winned, Spencer opened his mouth to argue but tensed when he felt an arm fall across his shoulders. </p><p>“Sorry ladies” Morgan showed his charming smile, which made the girls roll their eyes. “I'm afraid pretty boy is all mine tonight” </p><p>“Why? Why can't you both just come out with us!” Gracia said, moving her hands around in a showy manner. </p><p>“‘Fraid not baby girl” Morgan said, poking Garcia in the cheek. She let her hands fall to her side and pouted. “Well we gotta go” Morgan spun the two around and quickly guided Spencer toward the exit. </p><p>“Thank you” Spencer breathed, trying to calm down the anxiety that was building in his chest. The idea of going out before all of this happened wasn't anywhere near appealing to the young doctor, but now, the idea of being out and about in the “party scene” made Spencer want to curl up and die. He wasn't ready for that yet. The two stepped onto the elevator and rode down in silence, Morgan's arm still resting across Reids shoulders. Usually Spencer would shy away from the touch but he's gotten used to it and actually greatly enjoyed morgans. It was comforting, it was grounding. When they got into the car Spencer felt himself deflate. He knew he was going to be tired, knew he was tired, felt it creeping up on him all day, but now that he would let his guard down a little bit, man was he exhausted. He was only there for half the day, as Hotch decided he would start slow and build up, but the act of being totally fine and all better now took a lot more work than Spencer thought. He was used to doing it for years but after having that time of just being, of not hiding how he was, he found it hard to put that mask back on.  </p><p>Morgan kept the radio low, he could see how tired Spencer was from across the room, let alone sitting right next to him. He wasn't surprised at all when the younger man fell asleep. The drive back to Morgans was quiet, peaceful. When they got there morgan nudged Spencer in the shoulder, </p><p>“Hey kid” <br/>Spencer brought his hand up and pinched the bridge of his nose before rubbing his eyes with his pointer finger and thumb. By the time he was sitting up and opening his door Morgan was already at the passenger side with both of their bags waiting for him. Spencer took his bag from Morgan, muttering a thank you before following the older man to the front door.  When they got into the house Spencer was quick to collapse on the couch. After what Morgan saw, Spencer doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care if Morgan thought the worst of him, right now all Spencer cared about was how comfortable Morgan's couch was. He felt a blanket get placed over him and with his eyes still closed he curled up more and sighed. He faintly heard footsteps walking away from him and towards the study Morgan had, but before Spencer could think anymore of it, he had fallen asleep. </p><p>When Spencer woke up it was to the smell of something cooking in the kitchen. He slowly sat up, his nose twitching in an almost comical way as he sniffed the air. He noticed that the light coming through the window was a lot dimmer than when the two men got home. He stretched, letting out a little squeak before standing up. He folded the blanket and put it back on the back of the couch, before going into the kitchen. Morgan stood with his back to the living room, stirring something on the stove. His shoulders stretched the fabric of the shirt he wore and it made Spencer feel a little self conscious. He was a twig, he's always been a twig. His strength is in his mind not his body. Usually Spencer didn't care about that but for some reason just then it bothered him. He couldn't imagine what kind of damage he's done to his body in the time he's abused it with drugs, he probably looked even worse. Spencer found himself curling into himself, his arms coming up and hugging himself and he slowched lower. This was weird, Spencer didn't like this. Spencer didn't like thinking about his body, he hardly ever did, hence the always messy hair and slightly unmatching clothes, it was just something he didn't think about, but standing here next to some greek god, it was definitely at the forefront of his brain. Sure he wished when he was being bullied that he had a different body and could defend himself, sure when they were out in the field chasing after serial killers he wished he wasn't always being shuffled to the back and constantly protected by his team, but he usually just reminded himself that no one around him had the same brain capacity as him.  He would talk himself out of being killed, he could take apart and analyze killers, he could read the whole required school curriculum and then repeat it back to you in one day. But he couldn't talk to people,  not really. He couldn't charm people into liking him like Morgan did. He could easily display affection like Garcia and JJ, he couldn't even imagine starting a family like Hotch did. Spencer came to the conclusion when he was just a kid that he wouldn't have a family. Family could leave you, family could hurt you, family was hard to build and maintain and who would want to start a family with Spencer Reid of all people. </p><p>During his little downward spiral, Morgan had turned to get something and noticed the genius standing in the doorway. </p><p>“Reid?” <br/>Spencer didn't seem to hear him, instead his eyebrows were drawn and he was mumbling something under his breath as his eyes stared unfocused at the floor between the two men. </p><p>“Kid?” <br/>Morgan was starting to get worried, was Spencer itching for a hit? He took a hesitant step toward the younger agent, placing the spatula he was holding down on the counter. “Reid?” He took another step forward, putting his hand in Spencer's line of vision. Spencer snapped his head up, </p><p>“What? Sorry” He rushed, loosening one hand and letting it fall, but the other still hugged the opposing arm tight to himself. </p><p>“You ok?” </p><p>“Yea '' Spencer flashed a smile at Morgan but the ladder knew it was fake. </p><p>“Don't lie to me kid” </p><p>“It's nothing morgan really, what are you cooking? Do you need help?” Spencer shifted so he could see over Morgan's shoulder. Morgan sighed, but figured he'd just bring it up later, </p><p>“Spaghetti, want to help?” </p><p>“Sure what do i need to do?”</p><p>“Chop these?” Morgan slid a chopping board with tomatoes and garlic across the counter to Spencer, who moved to sit in the chairs on the opposite side. </p><p>“Sure” Spencer reached for a knife before his hand froze, the image of himself digging the blade into his arm made the stitches on said arm tingle. </p><p>“Kid?” Morgans voice made spencer look up, </p><p>“Yea, yea chopping got it '' Spencer picked up the knife, bringing it toward him and beginning to chop up the tomatoes and garlic. Morgan stood there for another beat before turning back to the <br/>stove. A  pot of noodles boiled next to the pot of half put together sauce on the burner. The two worked in silence, Spencer noticed then that Morgan had music playing softly somewhere in the house. Once he chopped everything up he brought it over to the stove. </p><p>“Good?” He held up the board with all the chopped ingredients. </p><p>“Perfect '' Morgan smiled, taking it from him and stirring them into the sauce. “Can you grab bowls?” </p><p>“Yea '' Spencer stepped past Morgan and reached into the cupboard, grabbing a set of bowls and silverware. He placed them on the counter and then returned to the cupboard, </p><p>“Water?” Spencer asked, holding up an empty glass for Morgan to see, Morgan nodded. The food got served, and the two sat down, eating silently for a few minutes before Morgan spoke up. </p><p>“How was going back to work? Must've been exhausting since you look a three hour nap” </p><p>“Three hours?” Spencer choked on the noodle he was trying to eat. </p><p>“Yes,” Morgan laughed, sliding the pile of napkins that sat between the two closer toward the young doctor. Spencer took one, using it to clean up his mess before taking a sip of water and replying. </p><p>“It was exhausting” <br/>Morgan chuckled at Spencer, watching as the young man spun his fork around to gather up some noodles. </p><p>“Hotch Took you to AA?” </p><p>“Yea” Spencer's response was short, and did not offer much room for Morgan to talk. Before morgan could ask another question spencer said “i don't want to talk about that yet” </p><p>“Ok” Derek nodded, taking another bite of his food. They ate in silence a little bit more before Morgan started rambling about something, telling Spencer about how the girls have been blowing up his phone in anger about him taking Reid away from them, asking why he got to hang out with the boy wonder but they couldn't. Spencer found himself blushing, why was his team practically fighting over him? It was just spencer. He wasn't anything special. They finished dinner and Spencer offered to clean up since Morgan did most of the cooking. They ended up both cleaning up. Spencer moved everything to the sink where Morgan would wash and Spencer would then dry. At their last dish Spencer reached toward Morgan to grab it, when he was stopped. A spray of water hit him square in the face and left him dripping. </p><p>“Morgan” Spencer growled, shaking his head to get his hair out of his face as Morgan stood doubled over at the counter. The spray nozzle is still in his hand. </p><p>“Your face!” </p><p>“I'm gonna get you back,” Spencer muttered, grabbing the hem of his shirt and pulling the martial taunt so it didn't touch his skin. </p><p>“Yea ok” morgan scoffed before reaching toward Spencer, “kid just take it off” </p><p>“No!” Spencer squeaked, jumping away from Morgan who quickly held his hands up in surrender, </p><p>“Woah ok, fine stay cold and wet” </p><p>“I'm gonna take a shower, '' Spencer said, turning on his heels and walking toward the stairs. Right when he got onto the first step he turned back around, Morgan was still standing in the kitchen smiling, his hand still on the nozzle. </p><p>“You better sleep with one eye open” Spencer warned, his own mouth curling up into a smile. Morgan let out a bark of laughter that followed Spencer up the stairs into the bathroom.</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer stood in the bathroom looking at his reflection. He had removed the shirt minutes ago and it sat crumpled on the floor by his feet. His eyes slid down his arms, the track marks were still visible. The pricks in his elbow had faded slightly from red and inflamed to a dull purple. The bandage on his forearm glared at him, the edges peeling slightly exposing the pink skin from where he couldn't help but scratch and pick at it as the sticky tape pulled at the tiny hairs on his arm. He looked away from his arm and wrinkled his nose at his torso. His collar bones stuck out and the space between his pectoral muscles was deep and had small ridges. The aforementioned muscles, where hardly muscles, if anything his whole chest looks almost concave. Speaking of looking concave, his stomach was almost nauseating, he's definitely gained weight since morgan had been making him eat but his hip bones still jutted out and the bottom half of his ribcage was still clearly visible. </p><p>“I'm gonna start working out,” Spencer murmured, pursing his lips before removing his pants and boxers, letting out a low groan at the thinness of his legs. Damn Morgan for making Spencer self conscious, he had enough to think about. Spencer may have turned the knob of the shower a little too harshly but he was getting frustrated, his body image was hardly ever a whisper of a thought before and now here he was over analyzing it. It's the drugs. It's all their fault. It wasn't until he was absolutely harmless at the hands of tobias, it wasn't until he got hooked on those goddamn drugs. </p><p>Spencer didn't notice he was crying until his lungs shuttered for breath. He shook his head and blinked a few times, quickly putting shampoo into his hair and cleaning up. The hot water steamed up the air and prickled his skin. He finished washing himself and turned off the water, reaching toward the towel his hand grasping at thin air. </p><p>“Fuck” spencer muttered, poking his head out and realizing that he forgot to grab anbother towel, the one he had been using mustve been picked up by morgan to go in the wash yesterday. He went to step out but the chilled air made the young man recoil back into the warmer air of the shower. He turned the water back on, standing under the warm water before taking a deep breath. </p><p>“Morgan!” Spencer yelled, keeping his eyebrows raised and mouth slightly open as he waited for a response. He was about to yell again when the door opened, the opaque glass allowing both men to see the outline and build of the other. Spencer turned slightly, hiding himself from Morgan who chuckled and Spencer watched his arm move and place what he was assuming and hoping was a towel on the counter. </p><p>“Thanks,” Spencer sighed, watching as Morgan left and closed the door behind him. Spencer leaped out of the shower quickly wrapping the soft fabric around him and shivering slightly as the cold air clung to his skin. </p><p>Once he dried off and his hair was now damp and not dripping he returned to the bedroom. There was a pair of Morgan's pants newly cleaned and laying on the bed, a shirt belonging to the other man sat next to it. It had become normal for spencers to wear morgans pajamas, they were softer and more worn out than spencers. But Spencer couldn't help the uncomfortable feeling that settled in his chest as the shirt slipped down his shoulders a little, exposing his collar bone, his fingers fumbling with the string around the pants until they were tight enough not to fall off. </p><p>Spencer brushed his hair out of his face and left the room. Morgan has seen his arms, he wasn't worried at showing them. By the time Spencer reached the living room that confidence was short-lived. He quickly grabbed the blanket from earlier and wrapped it around him before sitting down next  to Morgan on the couch. Spencer tucked his feet under him, leaning against the arm of the couch. Morgan smiled at him before turning back to whatever drama show was playing on the tv. After a few minutes Spencer gathered it had something to do with aliens. He felt his eyelids grow heavier, that nap he took earlier must've not been enough. About a half hour into whatever movie the two were watching Spencer nodded off. Morgan watched out of the corner of his eye as Reid’s head bobbed a few times before it finally rested against his shoulder. Morgan shifted, lifting his feet and resting them on the coffee table, his hand cradling a beer. After a few minutes Reid moved lower down to a more comfortable spot, his feet just hardly touching Morgan's thigh, his head resting on the arm rest, his hands pulling the blanket tighter around him as they rested under his chin. </p><p>Morgan finished the movie in silence, trying to keep track of how many times the kid next to him whimpered or mumbled something in his sleep.  Once the movie was finished Derek stood up slowly, careful not to wake the doctor. He threw his empty beer bottle away turning the lights off in the kitchen and locking the front door before returning to the living room. Spencer was moving around a little, his eyes opening wide when he noticed the lights where off, </p><p>“Mor-” </p><p>“Right here” morgan said, leaning his arms on the back of the couch and looking down at Reid who jumped at his voice. Morgan chuckled a little, </p><p>“You gotta work on your fear of the dark kid” he teased. </p><p>“I know” Spencer muttered, standing up and following morgan up the stairs. Morgan waited until Spencer went into the guest room, the soft light from the night light Morgan put in there for him lighting up his way, before he turned off the hall light and went into his own room. </p><p>Morgan laid in his bed checking his phone a few times before putting it on the charger and rolling over. He let out a sigh, closing his eyes and trying to quiet his mind. He heard Reid moving around in the other room and the noise made him sit up.  He sat up on the edge of the bed when he heard footsteps coming down the hallway. His hand reaching for his side table that held his phone and gun. He watched the outline of Spencer walk past his door. He listened to the stairs creak under his weight, Morgan tilted his head in confusion at the sound of his back door sliding open. Morgan stood up, walking downstairs and over it his sliding glass door. Spencer stood on his patio, he was shivering so much Morgan could see it even in the dim light from the street light. </p><p>“Hey kid,” Morgan said, stepping outside, his hands draping the blanket across Spencer's shoulders. “Cant sleep” </p><p>“Yea” Spencer whispered, his fingers curling around the edges of the blanket and pulling it closer.</p><p>“Why outside?” Morgan asked, gritting his teeth as his own body got hit with the chills. </p><p>“Can you train me?” </p><p>“What?” Morgan shifted so he could look at Reid better, the younger man's profile was too dark to read since the light was on the other side. </p><p>“I don't want to be weak anymore” </p><p>“Weak? Reid what are you talking about?” Morgan stepped in front of Spencer and ducked his head a little to be able to look up at Spencer's face that was tilted slightly down in shame. </p><p>“I was too weak to stop tobias, i was too weak as a kid, i was too weak to say not to duliaded, i don't want to be weak anymore” his voice was cracking and was so soft morgan had to lean forward a little to hear it. </p><p>“Hey kid, kid look at me” morgan placed his hand on spencer's shoulder, “i'll help you, but your not weak, you just have different strengths” <br/>Spencer didn't say anything just rolled his eyes before casting them upward toward the sky. <br/>Both men stood there for a few seconds looking at the stars before Spencer spoke. </p><p>“Thanks morgan”</p><p>“No problem kid, now let's go inside, its cold” </p><p>“Ok” spencer chuckled a little,</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next morning Spencer was jerked awake by Morgan clapping his hands above reids head. </p><p>“up and at them kid!”</p><p>“Wh-what? What is?” Spencer shook his head, bringing his fingers up to rub his eyes. “Whats happening?” He croaked, finally sitting up and blinking quickly at his friend. Morgan stood wearing joggers and a tank top, he threw clothes at Spencer and bounced from foot to foot. </p><p>“Get up, you said you wanted me to train you, training starts now” Morgan's smile was bright in the dim room. </p><p>“What time is it?” Reid asked, leaning over and tapping his phone to wake it up. “Five AM?!” he choked on the air leaving his lungs, Derek laughed and bounced closer to the door. </p><p>“Get dressed pretty boy,” Morgan laughed before leaving the room, flicking the lights on, which made Spencer flinch, before closing the door. Spencer fell back into the pillows sighing. </p><p>“I already hate this” he mutters before pulling himself to sit on the edge of the bed. Examining the clothes Morgan gave him, he noticed they were very similar to what Derek wore, except they were actually Spencer's size, and they also had tags on them. </p><p>“He bought me clothes?” spencer whispered, before shaking his head and getting changed. The tank top was a little baggy on him, and he quickly grabbed Morgans hoodie that he comendered over the past few days. Once he was thoroughly covered he left the room. </p><p>“Here kid” Morgan laughed, stopping Spencer at the bottom of the stairs and slipping a headband over his head, pushing the hair out of his face. </p><p>“I look stupid dont I” spencer asked, rolling his eyes as his fingers touched the thick fabric of the headband, it was tight all around his head and he wasnt sure if he liked it or not. </p><p>“Nope, now come on” morgan moved to the kitchen, finishing off the glass of water he was drinking while waiting for the doctor to get dressed. Then the two stepped outside. The air was cold and it made Spencer wrap his arms around him. </p><p>“So what are we doing?” </p><p>“Running” </p><p>“Im sorry what?” Spencer stopped walking and stared wide-eyed at Derek. </p><p>“Come on kid, it's just a little run” </p><p>“Morgan i don't run” </p><p>“Sure you can” </p><p>“No, no I really can't” </p><p>“Fine, we will start slow, a walk, some jogging, we will work our way up to a run” </p><p>“Ok” spencer nodded, “ok i can do that” <br/>With that Morgan slapped Reid on the back, Spencer stumbled forward a step and let out a dry chuckle before the duo began their walk down the sidewalk. They walked several blocks before they reached the park's edge. Morgan would've been there ages ago and he was trying to not push Spencer, he knew that they needed to start off small and work their way up or Spencer would give up and not even try. But my god did the kid walk slow. </p><p>When their feet hit the dirt path Morgan patted Reid on the shoulder before quickening his pace. Spencer groaned but followed suit, he did ask for this afterall. The two settled into a light jog and they actually made it farther than both men thought they would before Spencer had to stop. His chest was heaving and his legs were wobbling so much he thought he was going to collapse. <br/>How had he managed to stay in the FBI and be allowed to go out into the field was a concept no one would be able to figure out. </p><p>“Ok, i think that's enough for today huh?” Morgan laughed once Spencer was able to stand upright again. The two turned and split between a slow jog and a fast walk back to the house. </p><p>By the time they reached Derek's house spencer let out a whimper and fell to his knees in the grass. </p><p>“Reid” morgan laughed, watching spencer dramatically fall forward, laying face down in the grass. His <br/>damp sweaty hair sprawled around him tangling with the grass, Morgan needed to mow the lawn soon. </p><p>“Just leave me here to die” Spencer's voice was muffled but Morgan still clearly heard it. Morgan threw his head back and laughed, </p><p>“Nah, come on kid, up you go” Morgan grabbed Spencer's bicep and started to pull the younger man up. Spencer complied, wincing at the sharp pain that shot through his shoulder when Morgan tugged on his arm. The two entered the house and headed up stairs, </p><p>“Are you going to work today?” </p><p>“Yea, hotch said he has stuff for me to do” </p><p>“Ok, be ready in an hour and a half” </p><p>“Ok” Spencer nodded, before the two entered their own rooms and proceeded to shower and get ready. When Spencer got out of the shower and looked for clothes he sighed at the slacks and buttoned down, what he really wanted was Morgan's sweatpants and to climb back into bed. He was exhausted. But he's been out of work long enough, if he didnt go in, who knows what would happen. Plus being alone in that house for any more time would make Spencer go mad. <br/>So Spencer sucked it up and slid the rougher material on, tucking his hair behind his ears but it kept falling out.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When he got downstairs he didn't see Morgan so he started the coffee pot himself, before twisting to put some bread in the toaster. He wasn't sure how much he would be able to stomach this morning. </p><p>“I'm going to make us some smoothies as well, those are good for after workout” Derek says entering the room.  Reid nods and steps out of the older mans way as he crouched to get the blender out of the cupboard. Spencer moved to get this things together, putting a few stray books back into his bag. He froze when his hand brushed against the cold glass of a vial. His skin caught fire, the heat building up from the crook of his elbows and spreading across his whole body. His fingers got numb, and he felt his eyes unfocus. </p><p>“Reid?” Morgan had noticed the young doctor going still. When he turned Derek got very concerned at how pale and out of focus the younger man looked. </p><p>“Spencer?'' Morgan walked toward his friend, raising his hands a little. Reid didn't react, but Morgan saw his teeth chewing on his lip, and noticed the muscles in his arm flexing and relaxing. </p><p>“Kid?” Morgan got closer, putting his hand on Spencer's arm. </p><p>“I didn't-” spencer cleared his throat, his voice was so soft morgan had to lean closer to his mouth, “I didn't know, I swear” </p><p>“You didn't know what?” </p><p>“I forgot, im sorry” </p><p>“You forgot what? Spencer you're scaring me” </p><p>“I didn't use, I promise, I promise Morgan” Spencer's wide eyes were on Derek now, and the older man felt a chill go down his back at how dissociated Spencer looked. His eyes were glassy and not really seeing morgan. </p><p>“Ok, ok let me just see” Morgan slowly put his hand in the bag, his own fingers gently touching Spencer's arm until he felt what Spencer was touching. Morgan slowly brushed Spencer's hand out of the way and took the vial in his own, pulling it out of the bag. <br/>The vial glinted under the kitchen lights, </p><p>“I didn't, Morgan I didn't-'' Spencer was tripping over his words, his body trembling under the hand Derek kept on his shoulder. </p><p>“Hey, hey kid calm down, it's ok I believe you” Spencer has hardly been alone in days, and he's been so much different and better than before he came to morgan's house, the older man fully believed him. </p><p>“Get rid of it” Spencer whispered, closing his eyes and finally moving his body, turning it away from morgan and taking a step away. “Please, morgan” </p><p>“Ok, ill get rid of it” </p><p>“Now!” Spencer screechted making Morgan jump, he watched as Spencer's hand came up and started digging into the scarred skin of his inner elbow. </p><p>“Hey” morgan reached forward and grabbed the hand, “stop that, i'm getting rid of it ok?” Morgan quickly left the room, making sure spencer didn't follow him he slipped the vial into his own work bag. He would give it to Hotch, maybe they could trace it back to where Spencer got it, his dealer or something. Morgan hurried back to the kitchen, Spencer stood at the island, his hands white knuckling the edge of the counter as his eyes glared at the counter top. </p><p>“Here, it's gone, how about you help me with the smoothies?” Derek was trying to get Spencer's mind off it. </p><p>“I'm not a child!” spencer growls, </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“Everyone needs to stop treating me like a fucking child!” Spencer screamed, spinning around and glaring at derek. </p><p>“Whoa, spencer-”</p><p>“No! Stop!” Spencer's face was pink, his eyes wide and his chest was heaving with every breath. </p><p>“Reid!'' Morgan yelled back, ok maybe yelling isn't what he needed to be doing, but Spencer was being ridiculous.  Spencer let out a groan and stormed out of the room, leaving his bag to fall off the counter and spill its contents across the floor. </p><p>“Oh ok! Yea, real mature!” Derek yelled after his retreating form. He crouched down to pick up the mess and saw Spencer journal right by his foot. Glancing back at the empty hallway to check for Reid, he picked it up.<br/> Flipping through it showed just a bunch of random scrawls of facts and ideas and doodles. Closer toward the end though was what made Morgan tense up. After flipping through several pages, he saw the same line written over and over again. </p><p>I need it</p><p>Page after page, and Derek could tell where he stopped and picked back up another day, the slightly different pressure, or the change in pen color. After a few pages it turned to a different line. </p><p>Leave me alone</p><p>Leave him alone? Who? Tobias? Was Spencer hallucinating him again? Or was it something else? Was he slowly progressing like his mother? <br/>Morgan knew spencer would be pissed that he looked in his journal, but he needed to talk to him about this. Maybe once they both calmed down a little bit, but morgans hair was standing on end, the uneasy feeling that he needed to check on spencer growing. Derek quickly finished shoving everything back into spencers bag except for the journal and stood up placing the bag back on the counter.  Derek quickened his pace toward Spencer's room, which was uncomfortably quiet. </p><p>“Spencer?” Morgan called, tapping his knuckle on the door, when he didn't get a response he pushed it open. Spencer stood at the window, his back to derek. </p><p>“Reid?” Morgan stepped in, his fingers digging into the spine of the journal with anxiety. </p><p>“I need to go home” Spencer muttered, Morgan then noticed the packed bags on the bed. </p><p>“Home? spencer -”</p><p>“No morgan, i'm an adult, I need to stop wasting your time and resources and go back to my own place” Spencer still stood at the window, the stillness in his body making morgan even more uncomfortable. Spencer was never still, the younger man was always fidgeting. </p><p>“Your not-”</p><p>“You're just being polite, but it's ok, thank you for all you've done, but after work today, i'll be going home to my own place” Spencer turned around and faced Morgan, whose stomach dropped at the blank expression on his friends face. Reid looked nothing like himself, he didn't look like his usually fidgety self, nore did he look like the drugged Spencer everyone saw over the last few months. This was new, and this, this one really scared morgan. He's seen this look on too many people, people who have been through so much and decided to finally check out. He saw this look on murderers who have become numb to everything around them. He's seen this look on victims, and on children who couldn't handle what they just saw. He's seen this look on people in institutions who have been so medicated they aren't even human anymore. <br/>Derek didn't think he could handle seeing that same look on his best friend. </p><p>“Spencer” </p><p>“Is that my journal?” Spencer's voice was flat as well, his eyes were looking at Morgan's hand but his face was still toward Morgan's. </p><p>“Uh, yea, I wanted to talk to you about something” </p><p>“You went through it?” </p><p>“Not on purpose” <br/>Spencer scoffed, </p><p>“Yea ok, well there's nothing to talk about” </p><p>“Reid” Morgan yanked the journal out of Spencer's way when the younger reached for it. </p><p>“Leave me alone” morgan read from a page, “who won't leave you alone?” </p><p>“It's no one” with that line morgan noticed a flicker of emotion on Spencer's face, fear. </p><p>“No, no Reid, no we aren't doing this, I thought you trusted me? Why won't you let me help you?”</p><p>“I don't need help, its nothing” </p><p>“Is it tobias?”</p><p>“He's dead,” Spencer spit, reaching again for the journal. </p><p>“Then who?” Morgan asked, yanking the journal out of Spencer's reach. </p><p>“Morgan!” Spencer whined, this time his blank face changed to one of pleading. </p><p>“Spencer please let me help you” </p><p>“Fine!” Spencer growled, “can I go home after?”</p><p>“Maybe”</p><p>“Maybe?” </p><p>“Well not if I think your in danger” </p><p>“In danger” Spencer scoffed, yet again, that seems to be his favorite sound today. </p><p>“Im always in danger morgan”</p><p>“You know what i mean” </p><p>“We are going to be late for work,” Spencer says flatly, trying to change the subject. </p><p>“I'm sure hotch will call us if he needs us” Morgan returned with just as much emotion as Spencer's sentence. Reid was stuck, and he knew it. He sighed and let himself crumple onto the end of the bed.  Morgan sat down next to him,</p><p>“I thought you were doing better?” </p><p>“For the most part I am” Spencer sounded exhausted, it was then Morgan noticed that his eyes kept flicking toward the corner of the room. </p><p>“Who is it?” Morgan asked gently, trying to get Spencer to finally tell him. </p><p>“Right now, I don't know” Spencer whispered, his voice trembling as his hands coiled around the hem of his shirt. “Sometimes it tobias, sometimes it's someone else” </p><p>“Do you want to describe him to me?” </p><p>“Not right now, he's getting closer” </p><p>“Ok, maybe later?” Morgan's voice had fallen into a whisper as well and the two sat leaning toward each other. Spencer hunched and turned away from the corner of the room, while Morgan noticed he was puffing his chest out a little, trying to look intimidating and protective over his friend. <br/>Derek's heart was breaking for his friend, his worst fear looked like it could be coming true. “Do they follow you everywhere?” </p><p>“Pretty much” Spencer muttered, his eyes flicking over to check the corner. </p><p>“Ok, do you want to go to work now? Does that help?” </p><p>“Yea” Spencer breathed, nodding his head for Morgan to stand up, which he did. Morgan made a point to stand in between Spencer and the corner of the room, letting the other man get up and leave first.</p><p> Morgan's head hurt, this whole morning was a roller coaster. When they got downstairs he realized he didn't have a chance to make their smoothies, Spencer toast was also burnt to a crisp and smoking up the room. </p><p>“I guess we will have to pick up something on the way,” Morgan grinned at Spencer, trying to lighten the mood. Spencers’ lip twitched and he nodded, grabbing his bag off the counter and following Derek out the front door. </p><p>The ride to work was silent, Spencer kept fiddling with a loose string on his bag, Morgan focusing only on the road in front of them. <br/>They stopped at a mcdonalds and got some food, both finishing it in seconds since they were so hungry, the hot coffee burning their mouths and making Morgan swear. </p><p> Once they were parked and leaving the vehicle, Spencer kept his head down. </p><p>“Hey kid” Morgan stopped walking, and Spencer took a few more steps before stopping himself. Derek walked up to him, clapping his hand on his shoulder. The two men looked ashy in the garage lights, the angle Spencer stood at hid his face. </p><p>“Listen, hey look at me” Morgan stepped around so he was facing Spencer, who slowly lifted his head. </p><p>“What's happening, i'm here to help you through it, we will figure it out what it is”</p><p>“I know what it is” Spencer muttered, </p><p>“no, no you don't, you just suspect what it is” </p><p>“It's the same thing that's destroying my mother.” Spencer's face was back to being blank, his eyes looking unfocused over Morgan's shoulder. It made the older man tighten his grip on the thin shoulder. </p><p>“Listen, we can go to the doctors and figure it out, it might just be left overs from the drugs, we don't know” </p><p>“Fine” Spencer sighed, but his face still remained blank, he shrugged off Derek's hand, “we are gonna be late” His voice remained soft, airy, hardly above a whisper. He sounded so tired, so defeated, and that sound broke Morgan's heart. The two walked in silence, they rode the elevator in silence, they entered the bullpen, in silence. </p><p>“Hey baby girl” Morgan smiles, wrapping his arm over Garcia's shoulders when she comes up to them. </p><p>“Boy wonder!” she sings, nudging the young doctor in the shoulder before listening into Morgan's touch. </p><p>“The boss man is waiting for you guys” She nods her head toward Hotchner's office. Morgan noticed Spencer's face get paler, his eyes slightly widening before he shut it all down and returned to his neutral expression. Morgan presses a kiss to Penelope’s head before releasing her and walking toward Hotch’s office. Spencer followed him, pausing for a second to debate on putting his bag down first or not. Since he couldn't get his tight grip to unravel from the strap he decided it was good to keep it on him. </p><p>The two men entered the office to hotchner holding up a finger to hold on, the phone pressed to his ear. </p><p>“Yes, yes i will get that to you asap. Yes. ok.” Hotch’s eyes kept flicking to the two agents in front of him, Morgan had sprawled out on the chair across from the desk, Spencer stood in the middle of the room, his face was blank, but the white knuckling on his bag gave away that something was wrong. </p><p>“Yes, ok, good bye” Hotch hung up the phone, the sound of plastic clicking together ringing throughout the quiet office. </p><p>“Morgan. Reid” Hotch nods at them, raising his eyebrows at the two. “Update? How are things? Spencer how are you doing?” </p><p>“I'm going back home tonight” Spencer said, his hollow voice taking hotch by surprise. </p><p>“no, reid i dont think thats a good idea” </p><p>“Morgan” spencer said his name like it was the end of the discussion. </p><p>“Do you think you're healthy enough for that? Mentally?” </p><p>“Yes. I'm an adult, I can take care of myself.” </p><p>“Ok, I don't see why not, you're no longer detoxing, and I trust you know yourself and that if you feel yourself slipping you'll call one of us.” </p><p>“Yea” </p><p>“Ok you're dismissed, you have some more paperwork on your desk, and maybe next week I'll let you go out in the field again.” <br/>Spencer just nodded, before leaving the room, his footsteps silent. </p><p>“I don't think that's a good idea Hotch,” Morgan says as soon as the door closes, turning back to face the unit chief. </p><p>“We can let him have one day at home, a test run.” Hotch’s voice sounded frime but the slight creasing in his forehead told Morgan he wasn't so sure himself. Morgan reached into his bag and took out the vial, checking that the blinds were drawn before placing it on Hotchner's desk. </p><p>“This?” Hotch’s eyebrows shot up, his fingers slightly shaking as he reached for the vial. </p><p>“It was in Spencer's bag this morning.” </p><p>“You found it? He was hiding it?” </p><p>“no , actually he found it and seem pretty upset about it, made me get rid of it” </p><p>“That's good” </p><p>“Yea thats good but we had an event this morning and i found something else out” </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“Reid is seeing things. I'm not sure yet if it's drugs related or '' Morgan paused, he felt bad sharing this information but Morgan and Hotch are the only ones who knew everything and Morgan couldn't take this on alone. </p><p> '' I mean, he's at that age where it onsets, and it runs in his family” Hotch was nodding, his eyes still locked on the vial on his desk. “I hope it's just the withdrawal but I don't think leaving him alone is good yet.” </p><p>“I already told him he could be alone tonight, I think one night might be good, let him repack his things, a test run.” hotch sounded far away, his head was definitely running at a million miles an hour. </p><p>“Hotch he's seeing things! It could be dangerous, we need to get him to a doctor to figure out what's causing it.” </p><p>“I agree with you, but i already told him he could go home tonight and I trust him. Maybe once he sees that he can't manage at home alone, he will be more willing to let us help” <br/>Morgan could see where Hotch was coming from, and Spencer had made some progress and he definitely was more open to asking Morgan for help. But that doesnt mean he's ok to be alone. </p><p>“We have a case” JJ’s voice made both the men jump, her blonde hair disappearing out the door before either could even turn around. Hotchner grabbed the vial, placing it in a drawer and nodding at morgan. <br/>“We will talk about this later” <br/>Morgan returned the nod and both left the room. When they entered the bullpen it was empty, everyone already in the round room.</p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
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    <p>Spencer sat low in his seat at the round table, his leg bouncing up and down. If they go out, he will have to stay behind. Hotch just said he won't be going out until at least another week.</p><p>"Ok, so Ohio has a potential serial killer on their hands. There've been four similar murders, but only two has been positively linked."</p><p>Spencer felt his stomach drop, ohio, the team would have to leave. He would be alone.</p><p>"How have those two been linked but the other two havent?" Emily's voice brought Spencer back to the room. But not for long, his focus going toward the burning in the crook of his elbows. </p><p>Fuck.</p><p>He snapped his eyes up and looked at Morgan. Spencer needed Morgan.</p><p>No.</p><p>No wait, no he didn't. He's fine.</p><p>He quickly averted his eyes before Derek noticed. If the team thought he couldn't be left alone, they wouldn't be able to focus on the case, and it would prove how much of a burden Spencer is. </p><p>He felt the team around him standing up, my god how much was he zoning out? He totally missed the entire case. Hotchner was staring right at him, as the rest of the team filtered out to grab their stuff, Morgan lingered by the door but one glance from Hotch sent him to his desk.</p><p>"You're going to be staying here and working with Garcia," Hotch said, moving toward Spencer, who nodded and quickly opened the case file, reading everything they had to get caught up.</p><p>"And don't hesitate to call Morgan or I if you need us," Hotch said, stopping in front of the young doctor. This definitely wasn't what he wanted, leaving Spencer alone for a whole case not just one night like planned, but the team couldn't afford to have two or three people out any more. With Spencer gone, Morgan working from home the best he could, and Hotch totally distracted with the both of them, the team was behind.</p><p>"I told Garcia to have you glued to her hip so expect that"</p><p>Spencer winced at Hotch's words, great. The two turned and left the round room, the rest of the team was gone except for Morgan who sat on his desk waiting.</p><p>"Kid" Morgan smiled, but Spencer could see how worried Derek was, his smile didn't reach his eyes. "I'll stay behind if you need me"</p><p>"No Morgan, i'll be fine, i'll be with garcia and I promise to call you or Hotch if I need someone"</p><p>"You promise?"</p><p>"Yes" Spencer had to refrain from rolling his eyes, he felt like a child being left alone by his parents for the first time.</p><p>"Hotch I don't like this" Morgan said, looking over Reids shoulder at their unit chief.</p><p>"I'm not a huge fan of it either but I trust Reid, He'll be fine"</p><p>Spencer felt himself shrink a little into himself. They had a lot more faith in him than he did.</p><p>"Fine" Morgan sighs, pulling Spencer into a hug, which the younger quickly returns, burying his face in the crook of Derek's neck. Inhaling deeply Reid felt his shoulders relax a little, focusing on the scent of Morgan.</p><p>He can do this.</p><p>The two let go and Spencer gave a small wave as the two men hurried off to the plane.</p>
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<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter 26</h2></a>
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    <p>"Boy wonder!" Spencer whirled around at the sound of Garcias voice. Her head was poking out of her cave and she brought her hand up, using her finger to usher Spencer toward her. He chuckled, and stuffed extra case files in his bag from his desk before walking over to her. His fingers twisting the strap over and over. Once he reached Penolope she pushed him inside, closing the door.</p><p>"That's yours" She points to a second desk chair that was added to her office. It was out of her way, and instead focused on its own little spot.</p><p>"I know you don't like computers as much so I figured you'd work best there" She smiles, brushing off her skirt before sitting down in her own desk chair. The noise of her keys clicking raked at Spencer's ears but he worked hard to ignore it, instead rereading the case file and settling into his new chair.</p><p>His fingers came up and dug into his neck, the skin felt on fire. His other hand tightened around the end of the paper he was holding, the crinkling sounded like fireworks.</p><p>Most of the day was spent with Garica looking people up, Spencer sitting useless behind her. He tried to find work to do but he kept zoning out, side eyeing the siliotue of the person in his peripheral.</p><p>"Reid?" Garcia made him look up,</p><p>"Hmm?" he hummed,</p><p>"How do you spell posterior?"</p><p>"P-o-s-t-e-r-i-o-r" Spencer replied, furrowing his brows, why did she know that word?</p><p>"Thanks my dear" Her fingers clicked away. The night was slow since they didn't have enough information to actually work with. Instead Garica had pulled up what looked to be a game on one of her monitors.</p><p>"Dont tell" she winked back at Spencer who just smirked and pulled out a book from his bag.</p><p>He couldn't focus though, the weathered pages felt familiar and comforting under his fingers but that was all he could really gather. He had to keep rereading the same line over and over and after a few tries he just sighed and set the book down on his lap. He let his head fall back, his airway pinching and making his let out a wheeze.</p><p>Spencer must've fallen asleep because Garica was shaking his shoulder and he was jumping awake.</p><p>"Lets go boy wonder" she smiles, nudging him before turning back to her desk. She rearagened a few things, collecting her empty mugs before turning back to Reid. he had packed back up, and stood in the doorway. Slightly rocking back and forth as he waited, his fingers tapping the strap of his bag.</p><p>They placed their empty mugs in the kitchenette, and then walked toward the elevator. Garica rambling on and on about whatever game she was playing before.</p><p>"Do you want to come over tonight? We could watch Doctor who!" she squealed, as the elevator doors opened to the parking garage.</p><p>"Not tonight, but that sounds nice" Spencer smiled slightly, ducking his head and letting his hair fall in front of his face. He climbed into Esters passenger seat, hugging his bag tightly to himself, the worn leather was cold.</p><p>Garica started to sing loudly to the sound on the radio, smiling over at Spencer. During a part of the chorus, she leaned over and almost touched his shoulder with her head.</p><p>"Watch the road!" Spencer whined, "37,461 people were killed in 34,436 motor vehicle crashes, an average of 102 per day. The average driver will have a car accident once every 18 or so years. This means that, over the course of lifetime, the average motorist will be in about 4 car accidents. I have yet to be in one and I want to keep it that way for as long as I can."</p><p>"Oh my god" Garcia giggled, focusing back on the road and over exaggerating her movement, her hands in the right places, sitting up straighter, smirking at the windshield, but Spencer didn't catch that.</p><p>"Thank you" Spencer muttered, not realizing she was teasing him.</p><p>The rest of the ride was uneventful, Spencer zoning out, and Garcia singing under her breath.</p>
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<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chapter 27</h2></a>
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    <p>"Are you sure you don't just want to come have a sleep over at my place?" Garica asked for what seemed like the hundredth time. The car slowed down and came to a stop outside the front door of the apartment building.</p><p>"I'm sure Garcia, thank you, I'll see you tomorrow," Spencer laughed, stepping out of Ester and closing the door behind him.</p><p>"See you tomorrow!" Gracia smiles, waiting until Spencer got inside the front door of his apartment building before pulling away and heading to her own place.</p><p>Spencer dragged himself up the stairs, stopping at his door. His hands were shaking, he hadn't been home in forever. He takes the keys out of his bag, almost dropping them with how badly his hands shook.</p><p>Once he finally got the door open he stood in the doorway for a second, his shadow falling onto the floor and stretching into the dark room. The only light was from the hall behind him. He slapped the wall until his lights came on, snapping his shadow closer to him. There was a fine layer of dust around his apartment, as well as a stale smell in the air, indicating just how long he's been gone. He wrinkles his nose before setting his bag down on his desk chair. He goes to the bathroom and grabs cleaning supplies and gets to work. Dusting, wiping down the surfaces, rearranging things that had been moved by Hotch or Morgan when they came over to pick stuff up for him.</p><p>He spent too long of a time correcting his coffee table, moving things slightly before standing up, looking at it, and crouching back down to move them a little more.</p><p>You could say he was hyper fixating on things to distract himself. In Fact that's exactly what he was doing and he knew it. If he kept busy, then maybe he wouldn't notice how empty his apartment was, or how easily he could relapses.</p>
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<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Chapter 28</h2></a>
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    <p>He's done all he can, everything was clean, probably the cleanest it's been in years. He spent hours on his hands and knees scrubbing and dusting and making his living space as clean as possible. Morgan and Hotch had found all his tools that he had in his bathroom so he wasn't nearly as triggered as he could've been, he did actively ignore the chair in his room that sat over the floor board that held his real stash though.</p><p>He stood in the middle of his bedroom, the bed had clean sheets, the dresser was dusted and washed and all the things he kept on it was reorganized correctly. He peeled off his shirt, unbuttoning it and throwing it in the hamper on top of the vest he discarded when he got home. His pants were quick to follow.</p><p>Spencer stood shivering in only his boxers as we turned on his shower, waiting for the water to heat up he went and grabbed a towel. When he returned, the mirror was fogged up and the room was warm. Spencer stepped under the water, wincing slightly at the heat. He adjusted the temperature and once it was comfortable settled in. He spent a long time focusing on washing. Trying to ground himself and keep his mind fully focused on the act of washing himself.</p><p> </p><p>He focused on his fingers digging into his scalp, the suds growing and dripping down the side of his face. Twisting his hair around his fingers and making sure every strand was getting cleaned. His hands slid down his face, clasping behind his neck as he tilted his head back and rinsed off his hair. Once rinsed he grabbed the loofa, pouring soap on it, and bringing it to his torso. His eyes remained glued on the process, strands of wet hair falling into his face and making him flick his fead to try and remove them. He focused on getting every part of his body, zoning out and not realizing how much time had passed. Once he was as clean as he could get he stood under the hot water for a few seconds before turning it off. He quickly wrapped up in the towel, it wasn't as soft as Morgans though. The material was old and rough on his skin. He grabbed some pjs out of his dresser, trying to ignore how they weren't Morgans. He put them on, and then noticing the time, it was almost midnight. Good.</p><p>Time for bed.</p><p>He hung the towel up and went to plug in his phone when he noticed the text from Morgan.</p><p>"Everything alright?"</p><p>Spencer replied back,</p><p>"Fine, going to bed now"</p><p>Before plugging in the phone and climbing under his covers. The bed wasn't as nice as the Morgans and Spencer couldn't figure out why.</p>
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<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Chapter 29</h2></a>
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    <p>Spencer woke up abruptly, sitting up in bed and looking around the dim room. The soft light from the night light gave him the ability to make out the shapes of the things in his room. He reached out, and it took him a beat before he retracted his hand to his chest, realizing that he was reaching for Derek. Who, clearly wasn't there. He checked the time, it was nearing 4 am. He collapsed back into his pillows, his rib cage expanding as he pulled in a big sigh. He closed his eyes, dragging his palms down his face. Letting his palms hit the bed with a thud, he used his hand to hoist himself up as he turned onto his side.</p><p>The rest of the night was spent tossing and turning, Spencer's back prickling like someone was standing behind him no matter which way he laid. By the time his alarm went off, he was already sitting at the edge of his bed, glaring at the floor between his feet. He ran his hands through his hair, before letting his head fall back, closing his eyes but letting his mouth stay open as he huffed out a breath of air. He got out of bed, quickly taking off the pajamas, side eyeing them as they sat in a heap on his bed. He didn't like them, they didn't feel right. He got dressed in a new pair of slacks, and a button down. Tucking the end of the shirt into the waistband of his pants he wasn't paying attention to where he was walking and let out a yelp when his head came in contact with the doorframe of his bathroom. He brushed his teeth, standing a few extra seconds looking at his reflection.</p><p>"Best it's gonna get" he mutters, leaving the bathroom. He glanced at the chair, the one over that floor board, the floor board that hid his stash. Shaking his head he left the room, going to his living room and packing his bag while the coffee machine dripped slowly into his mug. He grabbed a bag of oatmeal bite things, he didn't know what they were, gracia gave them to him yesterday and he didn't eat them, so now they were his breakfast. He's gotten so used to eating an actual breakfast with Morgan that sliding back into his usual just morning coffee seemed wrong. With this, he was meeting them in the middle.</p>
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<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Chapter 30</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The ride to work was uneventful, his eyes glazed over on the subway, and he almost didn't notice how uncomfortably close the woman next to him was sitting.</p><p>Almost.</p><p>He put the empty travel mug in his bag, and used that as an excuse to slide away from the woman next to him, placing the bag between them.</p><p>Once he got to the BAU his feet carried him through the crowd, getting into the elevator, and watching as different people got on and off at different floors as they progressed upward. When he finally was at his floor, he was the last one in the elevator.</p><p>It wasn't until he was sitting at his desk that he noticed the man standing in his peripheral vision. He turned his head to look at him but no one was there.</p><p>Spencer wasn't sure if it was tobias, or the other unknown man that decided to haunt him. Reid decided that thinking he was just being haunted was a little easier and slightly more fun to deal with than the idea that his mind was fracturing and he was sliding slowly into hallucinations.</p><p>He needed more coffee.</p><p>With that thought on the forefront of his brain he stood from his chair, and walked to the tiny kitchen area to make himself some.</p><p>While he was watching the sugar swirl into the mug and blend with the caffeine garcia bounced up to his side.</p><p>"Good morning boy wonder!" she smiled, her shoulder bumping him.</p><p>"Morning garcia" Reid just nodded back, turning his head to focus on her and not the man that was leering over his other shoulder.</p><p>"We are going back into my cave once I get my muffin" She snagged a muffin and tossed it in the air before using it to tap Spencer on his nose. He flinches away but smiles a little at her antics. The duo swings by his desk so he can pick up his stuff before they head to the she cave. Spencer sits down in his little designated spot, flipping open the current case file. He heard penelope clicking away on her keyboard, the phone rang once and Spencer heard her jab the phone with her pen,</p><p>"Hey dollface, ready to work some magic for me?" Morgans voice filled the small room,</p><p>"Challenge me, you beautiful behavioral analyst." Garica spun on her chair and winked at Spencer before facing her computer once again.</p><p>"Ok, we need a list of all kids who have gone missing in the last 15 years, ages between 7and 10 and all within the city limits of here."</p><p>"Got it, lightening is nothing compared to these fingers" Spencer leaned back in his chair and watched Garcia work, it amazed him just how fast and easy she could move around computers. Reid himself wasn't a big fan of computers, but he envied her connection to them. His eyes flicked over to the corner, where the man stood. Spencer tilted in his chair, the seat spinning around until he faced the man fully. The room around him dimmed, instead his eyes only noticed the man. The man looked like Spencer was looking at him through the water, his form slightly blurry, he couldn't make out any features, the outline of the man kept shimmering, he didn't look solid.</p><p>"Reid?"</p><p>"Reid?"</p><p>"What?" Spencer snapped his head toward Garcia, it was then he saw she was on video chat with the team and they all stood around the camera staring at him. He could see himself in the background of garica's view.</p><p>Great.</p><p>"Yeah, uh, sorry, what?" he ran a hand through his hair before standing up and moving closer to garcia. He bent over so he was in the frame, and tried to figure out what was going on. He saw Garica staring at him for a few extra seconds before shaking her head a little and looking back at the team.</p><p>"Ok" Hotch started the conversation again, his face returning to the stren no nonsense unit chief look. "Reid we need you to work on the geological profile."</p><p>Spencer noticed JJ and Morgan were still staring directly at him, both with worried looks on their faces.</p><p>"Yea, got it" he cleared his throat,</p><p>"Garica should have all the information you need"</p><p>"Already in the process of printing it as we speak, captain!" she pipes up, throwing her thumb over her shoulder toward where her printer sat cranking out papers.</p><p>"I'll get right on that" Spencer mutters, clenching his jaw as the feeling of someone staring at him grows, and eventually gets paired with the feeling of someone almost touching his back. He turned to get the papers off the printer, and didn't see anyone.</p><p>Of course.</p><p>He quickly gathers up the papers, setting them on his desk,</p><p>"I'm going to go get the map" He mutters before quickly leaving the room. As the door swung shut behind him garcia quickly leaned closer to the computer,</p><p>"Sir, I'm worried about him, this is more than just a flu, he hasn't really been himself," Garica whispered to the unit chief after he ushered everyone away from the computer.</p><p>"I know garica, its ok, i know about it, im working with him"</p><p>"So something is wrong?"</p><p>"Garcia, it's his own personal business and if he doesn't want to share it with everyone, it's not my place either."</p><p>"Ok, yea, of course, i'm just worried"</p><p>"I know, we all are, but he's going to be fine"</p><p>"Ok, ok, oh he's coming back!" Garica heard the turning of the door handle,</p><p>"Ok, just let me know what you guys come up with," Hotch says, leaning away from the computer a little as Spencer comes back into the room. He held a folded up map and some thumbtack. He wasn't sure if Garcia would let him tack this up on the wall, but he didnt think they could fit a board in here, nore did he really want to be alone at the moment, and working in the round room would mean working alone.</p><p>"We might have to move to the conference room" Garica said, eyeing the thumb tacks Spencer placed on his little desk space.</p><p>"We?"</p><p>"Well, i'm not leaving you alone! What if you pass out again?" She said it in the light hearted tone but the slight crease between her brow showed how concerned she was. She gathered up her stuff, hugging her laptop, the cords, her tablet, and phone to her chest. The other hand holding her coffee mug a safe distance away. Spencer smirks but gathers all his own stuff into his bag and the two leave.</p><p>Once they get to the round room Spencer claims a chair.</p><p>"I'm going to get more, you want some?" he asks holding his mug up to show her he meant coffee,</p><p>"Oh yea!" she quickly slams back the last of her coffee before handing the empty mug to the young doctor. Spencer left to go get them coffee, and Garcia took that time to connect and set up her space. Spencer returned without a word, placing the new coffee infront of her, his own by his seat. He grabbed the thumb tacks and went to pin up the map, his eyes falling on the shimmery man standing in the middle of the bullpen staring at him. Well Spencer assumed he was staring at him, he couldn't actually tell if the man was for sure staring at him, since he couldn't see his face clearly, but, the way the man stood, and since he's always been staring at Spencer in all the other times, it's only safe to assume that he was in fact staring at him.</p>
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<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Chapter 31</h2></a>
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    <p>Spencer wanted a hit.</p><p>That thought made the young man go rigid. His hands freezing in midair as he went to stab a thumb tack into the cork board.</p><p>No.</p><p>No, Spencer was fine, he didn't need the drugs, he could work through this, he had a meeting tonight, he couldn't relapse.</p><p>He's been left alone for almost two days, he's an adult, he's got this. He can show Hotch and Morgan that he's alright.</p><p>He stabbed the board maybe a little too hard with the tack as the board shook a little under his other hand. Garica looked up, staying quiet as she watched Reid's tense shoulders flex back before he forced them down, his hands clenching at his sides. He took a deep breath and then his body relaxed. Garcia's eyes followed his hand as he brought it up and started tracing areas on the map and pacing tacks in areas.</p><p>The room was silent and thick, both occupants noticed the feeling of the room, both were nervous to do anything about it. So when Spencer's phone rang, it wasn't really a surprise that both Reid and Garica jumped. </p><p>"Reid" Spencer said, holding his phone in one hand to his ear, the other still resting on the map.</p><p>"Hey its me" Morgans voice made Spencer drop his other hand, "I wanted to check on you"</p><p>"Ok?" Spencer was well aware that Garcia was trying to listen in on the conversation.</p><p>"Is garcia eavesdropping?" Morgan chuckled a little,</p><p>"Of course" Spencer huffed,</p><p>"Ok, I'll make it so you can keep your answers short. "</p><p>"I appreciate that" Spencer was keeping his eyes trained on the map in front of him.</p><p>"During the video call, what was that?"</p><p>"Uh" Spencer paused, not sure how to answer without giving it away to garcia.</p><p>"Did you see that man again?"</p><p>"Yes," Spencer's voice caught in his throat.</p><p>"Is he still there?"</p><p>"All the time" Spencer's eyes left the map and landed on the man in the bullpen, he was closer now, not in the middle of the room, but now at the railing that separated the two "floors'.</p><p>"You have a meeting tonight right?"</p><p>"Yea"</p><p>"How are you getting there?"</p><p>"The subway probably"</p><p>"Garica could drive you"</p><p>"No, I don't want to bother her"</p><p>"Bother me? Garica asked, looking up from her laptop. Damn it.</p><p>"Nothing," Spencer said, tilting his head so he could see her more.</p><p>"You can't bother me! I love you!" Garica stood up and walked over to the man. She put her face close to his phone, "what are we talking about?" She asked loudly, making Spencer lean away from her. Morgan laughed through the phone.</p><p>"Come on kid, she doesn't need to know the details, you could say it's for the case"</p><p>"Really" Spencer rolled his eyes at Morgan's suggestion. "No, it's fine," He shuffled away from the eccentric woman next to him.</p><p>"Well you know she's there '' Morgan said, noticing that Spencer had shut down the idea.</p><p>"Yea"</p><p>"We should be back in a few days, but are you sure you're ok? Because i can come back if you need me"</p><p>"Morgan im fine"</p><p>"I can help! What's going on?" Morgan chuckled a little at Garcia in the background. "Boy wonder, let me help"</p><p>"I don't need help"</p><p>"Reid" Morgan said his name in a voice that made him stop. He felt like he was being scolded.</p><p>"Kid, you don't need to be afraid to ask for help"</p><p>"I know, I asked you didnt i?" Spencer may have said that a little harshly but he was feeling a little overwhelmed.</p><p>"Yes you did, and i'm proud of you for that"</p><p>"Is that all?"</p><p>"Reid, just don't be afraid of help"</p><p>"Morgan, I'm not, can we get back to the case now?"</p><p>"Fine, put me on speaker" Morgan sighs, and Spencer hears him shuffle around on the other end, probably joining the rest of the team again.</p><p>"Fine" Spencer moved the phone away and pressed the speakerphone button.</p><p>"Hey baby girl!" They could hear the smile in Morgan's voice.</p><p>"Chocolate thunder! Please let me know what's going on?"</p><p>"What's going on is we have a serial kidnapper and we need your guys beautiful minds to help find the creep"</p><p>"Fine, back to work" Garcia sighed, pouting but returning to her laptop.</p><p>"Ok, so we have three suspects" her clicking fingers filled the room, and then the screen behind her clicked on and Spencer could see the three men on it.</p><p>He walked closer, squinting a little as he thought.</p><p>"Ok so we have David Grosh, 35 years old, he's lived in kings-men for 16 years, so that definitely fits the timeline, and he has a few charges of indecent exposure."</p><p>Spencer stared at the photo, the man had short brown hair, and deep set blue eyes. His nose was large and made the rest of his face look too small.</p><p>"He's a manager at the local grocery store, and is married with two kids, ages 12 and 17."</p><p>"Where does his wife work?" Emily asked through the phone,</p><p>'Uh, the flower shop on the same block"</p><p>"Wait doesn't the other suspect also work there?"</p><p>"Yes" Garica paused as she typed and the pictures on the screen changed. "Ok so Jason Penn, He's 32, he works with Juile Grosh, David's wife. He moved to Kings-men a few years ago, 5, he's unmarried, and has no kids, and no criminal record."</p><p>"Isn't five years ago when the kidnappings started happening more frequently? " Spencer asked, he walked back to the map, running his hand between the grocery store and the flower shop.</p><p>"Yes, and then we have the third man, Kent Billman, he's also 35, he's lived in kings-men his whole life, he currently lives with his elderly grandparents and cares for them as a full time job. He's the Grosh's neighbor and they are known to help him out and be close friends."</p><p>"Ok, so all of these guys are good candidates"</p><p>"Wait" Spencer interrupted, "they are all working together"</p><p>"They are?" Garica tilted her head a little at the genius,</p><p>"Well, Morgan, you said the elderly couple were basically bed bound, right? "</p><p>"Yea"</p><p>"Garica pull up the plans for the house." Spencer leaned over the technicians shoulder. As she pulled up the house plans. "Ok the houses here are from the 1860's that means they could possibly have passages under them."</p><p>"1860?" Emily asked, thinking,</p><p>"The underground railroad" Spencer said, using his finger to trace some of the house plans. "So they wouldn't be in the official plans, but these two houses are from that time, and it's very possible they have passages under them if they've been kept up. "</p><p>"How would you find them?"</p><p>"Look for loose floorboards, uh, inside of closest"</p><p>"Ok, I'll get the team together," Morgan says, and Spencer hears the phone being passed to someone else.</p><p>"Whats going on?" Penelope asked Spencer as he stood there quietly, his mind racing.</p><p>"Ok, ok, so the two neighbors, Kent and David, even Julie, can all be working together, using their houses to hold the kids, but how does Jason fit in?"</p><p>"Uh, well?" Garica looked back at her laptop before looking back at Spencer.</p><p>"They are all well known in the community, and three out of the four have frequent interactions with the public and" Spencer mumbled a little under his breath and went quiet, crinkling his eyebrows as he thought.</p><p>"You guys are still there?" Hotch's voice came from the cell phone that sat on the table in front of the duo.</p><p>"Yea, still here, boy wonder is ticking"</p><p>"Reid?"</p><p>"Hold on" Spencer mutters, before standing up abruptly, "julie is in on it"</p><p>"Ok, i'll tell the team, we are going to go get a warrant to look in the houses right now"</p><p>"Ok, keep us updated!" Garcia said, picking up the phone.</p><p>"Will do" Hotch replied before the line went dead.</p><p>"But how?" Spencer kept muttering under his breath, "maybe she's the one who lures them in? Females have an easier time gaining the trust of children" Spencer looked up from the floor and jumped a little. The man was now in the round room with them, his shimmery form blocking the doorway.</p><p>"Reid?" Garcia noticed the change in his posture, how he seemed to crumple into himself a little. </p><p>"Uh, yea, yea, um" Spencer shook his head, turning so he could still see the man in his preherial but could look at the technician. "So women are seen as more nurturing, children are more likely to run to a woman for help when lost than men. And if she owns a flower shop in the center of town, then the traffic would be considerably high." Spencer went back to the map, there was a park practically across the street. Garcia was relaying all this information back to the team. Then there was nothing to do but wait.</p>
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<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Chapter 32</h2></a>
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    <p>The sun was starting to set, the round room slowly getting bathed in a golden haze. Garica pulled up a game on her phone, the small chimes and beeps being the only sound in the room. Spencer sat in his chair, his eyes focusing on the man, who now stood by the bulletin board. Spencer couldn't sit still, constantly rolling his shoulders, bouncing his leg, shifting from side to side. His skin was too tight.</p><p>"Reid?" Garicas voice made him tear his eyes away from the shimmery form. "Do you wanna try?" she held her phone out to him,</p><p>"No thanks" Spencer shook his head, looking back at the man.</p><p>"Ok, well, potty break!" Garica sings, standing up and leaving the room quickly, her heels clicking loudly on the floor. Spencer just stared at the man, making sure he didn't come any closer, not like he really knew how to stop it but the illusion that he could control that brought him a pinch of comfort.</p><p>Garica in the meantime had entered the bathroom, her thumb clicking on Morgan's phone number.</p><p>"Hey pretty mama" Derek's voice made Penelope smile, but it quickly left after she remembered why she even called.</p><p>"Did you catch the bad guys?" it's been a few hours since the last phone call, plenty of time to catch those perves.</p><p>"Not yet, still waiting on some things"</p><p>"Oh ok"</p><p>"So why'd you really call?"</p><p>"Im worried about boy wonder"</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"He spent this entire time glaring at the corner of the room, when I tried to talk to him, he wouldn't really look at me. Also the phone call? What's going on? I want to help"</p><p>"I know you want to help, but I can't tell you anything because it's Spencer's business."</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"I know, how about you just ask him again"</p><p>"Ok, but his staring?"</p><p>"He's uh, he's under a lot of stress right now, so he's probably just tired."</p><p>"Oh, ok"</p><p>"listen , i'm sorry I can't really tell you anything, just know that he's working through stuff and i'm helping him, so he's not alone."</p><p>"As long as he's not alone, I just don't want him to ever be alone. I feel helpless."</p><p>"Im sorry, you know how he is"</p><p>"Yea, stubborn. But maybe i can crack him today!"</p><p>"Just don't push too hard ok? Now I gotta go, sooner we finish up here the sooner we can go home." </p><p>"Ok, i'll be waiting for you my prince"</p><p>"Alright princess" Morgan laughed, "i'll see you soon"</p><p>"Bye"</p><p>"Bye" and then the line went dead. Garcia sighed, putting her phone back in her pocket before leaving the bathroom and going back to the round room.</p><p>"Heyo!" she smiles, sitting back down in her seat.</p><p>"I uh, I have to go" Spencer muttered, standing up and packing up his things.</p><p>"Go? Go where?"</p><p>"Uh, an appointment"</p><p>"Do you need a ride?"</p><p>"No i'm good, see you tomorrow" and with that Spencer left the room, left Garica staring at the empty doorway in concern.</p><p>Spencer quickly left the building, tapping his foot in the elevator. He pulled his sunglasses out of his bag and pushed them onto his face before he left the shaded covering of the parking garage speed walking toward the subway. The subway was crowded and Spencer grit his teeth as he tried to find a seat. His elbows touching other sides and his bag snagged on something and Spencer wanted to scream. The pressure building up in his chest and making his toes curl. He brought his fingers down to his side, tapping them on his thigh, slowly using more and more force. The good thing about the crowds was that he couldn't see the man following him, the bad thing was Spencer was pretty sure he was going to pass out and die from suffocation. As soon ashe saw a seat open he threw himself into it, hugging his bag tightly to his chest, bringing his head down and closing his eyes. He sat that way until he heard his stop announced, standing up and keeping his body curled around his bag. Once out of the metal tube Spencer could see the change in lighting at the top of the stairs, focusing on that as his legs carried him up. Once on the street he felt himself relax a little, the anxiety was still there, preparing for his meeting, but he didn't feel like he was drowning anymore.</p>
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<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Chapter 33</h2></a>
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    <p>He forced himself to keep walking, the building coming into view. When he reached the door he took a deep breath and stepped inside.</p><p>"Hey man!" Brandon was quick to notice the doctor, walking over to him with a big smile.</p><p>"Um, hi" Spencer mumbled, his voice sticking to his throat.</p><p>"How's work? What do you even do? I've been out of work for awhile, turns out it's hard to hold a job when your wasted all the time huh" Brandon laughed, "word gets around, no one will hire me until I clean myself up" Brandon kept rambling, either not noticing, or just ignoring how uncomfortable Spencer was, shifting from foot to foot, his hands clutching the strap of his bag. Spencer let out a sigh when the meeting was called to start, trying to step around Brandon, who was still rambling, telling Spencer about his home life and what jobs he did and wanted to do. Spencer claimed a seat, and pursed his lips briefly in frustration when Brandon sat next to him, still talking a mile a minute.</p><p>"Brandon?" the chairperson started, making the man finally shut the hell up. "Ok, so last week, we were helping Scott get a sponsor, and I think we need someone to sponsor Spencer as well, right?" He smiled at the doctor, who felt the bile climb up his throat at all the eyes who turned to look at him.</p><p>"Oh, that's alright, I can do that" Brandon called, holding his hand up like a child, before bringing it down and slapping it on Spencer's shoulder. Spencer flinched, leaning away.</p><p>"Please don't touch me" Spencer muttered,</p><p>"Oh sorry man!" Brandon held his hands up in his defense.</p><p>"Ok good! Now, today I thought we could talk about which steps everyone is at, and if anyone has any questions? Need any help?"</p><p>"I just wanted to thank the lord for showing me this group, and that I needed to get better. That I wasn't in control" another man said a few seats away from spencer.</p><p>"Ok, that's a good thing to talk about"</p><p>Spencer chewed on his lip, his tongue eventually tasted metal. Great.</p><p>Spencer stayed quite the entire meeting, like last time. When it was finished Brandon was quick to block Spencer's exit.</p><p>"Man, lets go get some coffee or something! Get to know each other more"</p><p>"I, uh, I have to get home"</p><p>"I'll just come over then!"</p><p>The last thing Spencer wanted was this man knowing where he lived.</p><p>"Fine, coffee?"</p><p>"yes! " Brandon fist pumped the air. How old was this man? Spencer assumed he was in his thirties but the way he acts is closer to 15. "Ok so I don't have a car, got my license revoked, do you?"</p><p>"I take the subway"</p><p>"That's alright! Fun! "</p><p>It took all of Spencer's strength to keep from rolling his eyes. Then the duo left the building, Brandon holding a styrofoam cup of that awful coffee they had at the center. By the time they reached the entrance of the subway Brandon could throw the now empty cup away. Unfortunately for Spencer, because now Brandon could talk again.</p><p>Spencer could deal with monsters, murderers, hostage situations. He could just go on autopilot and get things done. He was comfortable with his team, his family to babble on about whatever, often forgetting that no one really cares. But with strangers, it's like his jaw was wired shut. His vocal chords felt stiff, that they wouldn't make any noise even if he wanted them to. Spencer wasn't 100% sure why he was going out for coffee with Brandon. This wasn't a date, he wasn't interested that way, and he's not getting those vibes from Brandon either.</p><p>He didn't really want to go home to his empty apartment. He didn't want to be alone for too long.</p><p>"so , you still never have told me what you do for a job!" Brandon was leaning over the side of the railing. Spencer sat on the end seat, brandon leaning against the wall/door next to it.</p><p>"It's not important"</p><p>"You look all" Brandon waved his hand at Spencer, "like a professor or something"</p><p>"Sure, let's go with that"</p><p>"You're not very lively are you?"</p><p>"I guess"</p><p>Spencer could feel that his face was blank, he felt himself shutting down when around Brandon, the other man's energy felt draining to Spencer. When they got to their stop, the two got off, </p><p>"Wow your fast!" Brandon painted, trying to keep up with Spencer as he practically ran up the steps. Spencer didn't respond, focusing only on the Starbucks across the street, the dim lights inside glistening off the table tops inviting him in.</p>
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<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Chapter 34</h2></a>
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    <p>Once they got in, ordered their coffees and sat down Reid felt his heart rate starting to slow a little.</p><p>"Listen dude I gotta question"</p><p>"Hmm" Spencer hummed, blowing on his coffee a few times</p><p>"You gay?" The question made Spencer cough a little into his cup.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Im just say, you totally give off the vibes"</p><p>"Im, i'm not"</p><p>"You're not?"</p><p>"No"</p><p>"Its cool if you are!" Brandon held his hands up, "i'm not, but i'm totally chill with it"</p><p>"Well im not"</p><p>"Oh, ok"</p><p>"Only 1.7% of men are gay, you probably meet more bisexual people than gay people"</p><p>"Are you bi?"</p><p>Spencer just shrugged, he didn't know, never really thought about it.</p><p>"Dunno, don't really care"</p><p>"You don't care?"</p><p>"Why do you care? "</p><p>"Good point, so your job?"</p><p>"Why do you want to know so badly?"</p><p>"Because! As your friend-"</p><p>"Friend?"</p><p>"Yes friend, we are friends now, you don't get a choice, and as your sponsor, it's important for me to know things about you"</p><p>"It's really not"</p><p>"Yea, how many of your other friends know you're in AA? That you even have a problem?"</p><p>That shut Spencer up,</p><p>"See, so who else is going to be there for you? Who knows what you're going through?"</p><p>"Morgan does," Reid mutters into the rim of his coffee cup.</p><p>"Whose Morgan? Your girl?"</p><p>"He's my friend"</p><p>"The friend you promised that you'd go to AA for?"</p><p>"Yea"</p><p>"Listen, from my own experience, it's best to just get new friends, even if they want what's best for you, no one understands that addiction is a lifelong thing. Once they see that it's still a problem a week from now, they get frustrated. It's easier to cut ties now."</p><p>"No" even though Spencer's voice was firm, and his eyes glared at Brandon, the anxiety made his lungs contract and his spine get itchy. "Morgan is family" Spencer was glad his voice and body language isn't showing that his fear of being abandoned again, of being left behind by his current family, from losing those closest to him once again, was again flaring up inside him.</p><p>"Listen, I need to get home, get to work tomorrow," Spencer finished the last of his coffee and started to stand up.</p><p>"Whoa wait," Brandon stood up, stepping to the side so he blocked Spencer's easiest way to leave. "Did you not like what I said so you're running away?"</p><p>"No, I didn't like what you said, but I'm not running away. Its late, I have work"</p><p>"We've hardly been out, how have you even finished your coffee that quickly? " Brandon held up his own cup that was still almost full.</p><p>"Brandon, I need to go, I'll see you next week."</p><p>"But wait"</p><p>"No, good bye" And with that Spencer pushed past Brandon and left the starbucks. He crossed the road quickly, hardly glancing to check for oncoming traffic. Once he got to the subway he ducked into a car and quickly sat down, his eyes scanning to look for Brandon, to make sure he didn't follow him. He didn't keep his head up for too long though, his eyes quickly finding his converse and focusing on the smudge he had on the toe of his right shoe. His fingers tapping rhymically against his bag, shaking his head slightly so his hair would cover his face. Once he reached his stop, he worked on autopilot to get back to his apartment. His mind reeling, jumping from thought to thought but always coming back to the fact that he's a mess, that his friends will notice that soon and get some sense to leave him. Soon, he will be alone once again. He found himself standing in the doorway of his dark apartment.</p><p>He was alone right now.</p><p>He slapped the light switch, shuttering slightly as the darkness reached toward him. The light wouldn't turn on, the dark trendles where climbing up his legs, sucking the warmth from him. He reached again, a grunt leaving his lips, his hand slapping the wall a few times before finally finding the switch. The darkness was settling into his spine, the chill making his shoulders tense up. Finally the light came on, he let out a sigh as the darkness snapped away. Leaving him to run his hands down his face to try and gather himself.</p><p>He walked further into his apartment, letting his bag fall to the desk on his way to the couch, his heel coming back and kicking the door closed. He reached the couch and sat down with a loud sigh, letting his head fall back and stare at the celin.</p><p>"I need to calm down" he whispers, the strain on his throat from his head being bent back making his voice sound thin. "He's not going to leave" He tries to reassure himself.</p><p>He should. Honestly, the whole team would probably be better off without Spencer, they wouldn't need to be worrying about him all the time, could probably save money somehow.</p><p>Gideon has been pulling away lately, maybe he finally realized that Spencer was nothing worth trying for. His father left, his mother had to be sent away, he's never had friends. What's one more mentor leaving?</p><p>Spencer tightened his hands into fists, trying to get his hands to stop shaking.</p><p>Lately, Gideon wouldn't play chess with Spencer, won't take him with him places anymore.</p><p>"Gideon wishes they never found you that night"</p><p>The new voice made Spencer jump off the couch, turning around to look for the source of the voice. It sounded like the man was leaning over the back of the couch, leaning right into his ear.</p><p>No one was there.</p><p>"Don't you wonder why it took them so long to come find you?" The voice was in his ear again. He lurched away, turning to look for the voice.</p><p>Once again, there was nothing but air.</p><p>"Th-they found me, they got me, I'm fine" Spencer snarled, closing his eyes tightly and bringing his hands up to wrap in his hair.</p><p>"You're not fine" The voice laughs, the hollowness of the voice made Spencer's skin crawl. Spencer stepped toward his desk, his phone was in his bag, he just needed to call someone.</p><p>"Why call? So they can ignore their work and just focus on you? On how pathetic you are?"</p><p>"Shut up!" Spencer moaned, clapping his hands over his ears. He bent over, letting out a grunt in frustration.</p><p>"I, I, I just need"</p><p>"You, you, you" the voice was mocking him, "you need what? Help? Because you're a baby?"</p><p>"Morgan-"</p><p>"No, you know what you need." the voice purred in his ear, making his skin prickle and his feet stumble under him, making him almost smash headfirst into the corner of his table.</p>
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<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Chapter 35</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer didn't know how but he was looking at his reflection in his bathroom. His hands were shaking so badly he had to try several times to turn on the facet. Once he finally did, the noise of the water hitting the porcelain wasn't loud enough.</p><p>"You know what to do, no one has to know"</p><p>"No, no I've worked hard-" Spencer choked, his throat tightening around his words.</p><p>"Worked hard?" The voice scoffed, "it's been what two weeks? Thats nothing"</p><p>"No, no-"</p><p>"Spencer!" Reid flinched away from the yelling, bringing his hands up to defined himself,</p><p>"Im sorry, I'm sorry" he whimpers. The feeling of shame filling his chest, he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out. He was stupid to think he was fine. He couldn't do this.</p><p>He lowered himself to the floor, pulling his knees to his chest, tucking his nose between them.</p><p>"Mo-"</p><p>"Mommy?" The voice taunted, "do you need mommy?"</p><p>The reminder of his mother made Spencer's chest tighten. Here he was hearing voices, just like her.</p><p>He felt his middle start to move, slowly rocking his body back and forth, trying to gain any source of comfort right now.</p><p>"Who do you call if you have no one?" the voice asked, making Spencer grit his teeth. He wasn't alone, he wasn't. He has a family, he had people who cared about him, he needed to get better for them.</p><p>"They don't have to know, none of them knew for months, some still dont know. You'll be more careful this time"</p><p>The voice had Spencer stumbling out his bathroom door. Pausing in front of the chair, his hands clenching and unclenching as he debated.</p><p>The voice was right, no one had to know. The team was away, he'd be fine by the time they got back. Then once they realized he was fine now, Hotch and Morgan would let him stay home.</p><p>"No" Spencer sobbed, falling backward and slamming his back into the hardwood floor. He quickly got up and ran to his bag, scrambling to get his phone. The bag fell to the floor, the contents covering the floor. He found his phone and hit a random speed dial.</p><p>Falling back to lean against the desk, his knees back to his chest as he tried to calm his breathing.</p><p>He was rocking back and forth and the movement of his rear on the hardwood floor hurt. He wrapped one arm around his legs,</p><p>"Please, pick up, pick up" he whimpered, his face hot with tears, the air getting caught in his lungs and burning.</p><p>"Spence?" JJ's voice sounded through the phone and Spencer froze, shit.</p><p>Shit, he didn't want more people knowing.</p><p>He didn't want JJ to know.</p><p>JJ couldn't know.</p><p>But he needed help, he needed someone to talk to him to drown out the other man's voice.</p><p>"JJ" Spencer choked, her name sticking to his tongue that felt like it wasn't sitting in his mouth right.</p><p>"Spencer?" JJ sounded more urgent,</p><p>"I, I need, just" Spencer couldn't get his words out, his eyes were darting around his room, not focusing on anything long enough to properly see it.</p><p>"Spencer, you need to breathe, what's wrong" JJ's voice was calming, and Spencer was trying to focus on it, he really was but his arms were burning, and his hands were shaking so much that his cell phone was rattling against the side of his head. Cutting JJ in and out, making his head pound.</p><p>"I need, i need it"</p><p>"You need what? "</p><p>"i -" Spencer's throat closed up again, making the rest of his words scratch his throat.</p><p>"Im calling garcia"</p><p>"No!"</p><p>"Spencer, you clearly shouldn't be alone right now"</p><p>"Reid?" Spencer heard Morgan's voice in the background. "Is that reid on the phone? Let me talk to him"</p><p>"Ok, Spence, I'm handing you over to Morgan ok?" The shuffling of the phone being handed over was followed by Morgan's concerned voice.</p><p>"Kid?"</p><p>"Morgan" Spencer gasped, curling over his knees, the tightness in his chest becoming unbearable.</p><p>"Reid, what's wrong? Talk to me kid"</p><p>"I need it"</p><p>"No you don't, talk to me, what happened? What triggered it?"</p><p>"I'm sorry" Spencer's eyes were burning, the warm tears making him have to blink several times to try and clear them.</p><p>"Nah nah kid, your fine, you haven't done it yet right?"</p><p>"N-no"</p><p>"Good, see your fine, you did the right thing by calling, listen, we should be home soon, within the next day or so, why don't I call Penelope to come hang out with you"</p><p>"No, I don't, I don't want her to know"</p><p>Reid"</p><p>"Morgan-"</p><p>"Reid you can't be alone right now"</p><p>"I'm fine!"</p><p>"No you're not, but that's ok!"</p><p>Spencer let out a sob,</p><p>"You really want more people to see you like this?" The voice asked, somehow in his other ear, which was currently pressed against the desk. "JJ already knows now, that's three people who know of your failure." Spencer whimpered,</p><p>"Reid?"</p><p>"I'm sorry" Spencer pulled the phone away, hanging up, stopping Morgan's tiny voice from yelling his name.</p>
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<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Chapter 36</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Damn it!" Morgan yelled, pulling the dial tone away from his ear, pushing his fist to his mouth.</p><p>"Morgan? What is happening? What's wrong?" JJ asked, more so begged, her hand holding onto Morgan's arm, her fingers curling into his sleeve.</p><p>"I need to get home," Morgan says, pushing her phone back into her hand. "Hotch!" he yells, speed walking toward the unit chief who stood in the lobby of their hotel, the rest of the team sat in the chairs around him, all eating out of chinese takeout boxes. JJ followed Morgan, calling his name.</p><p>"What?" Hotch asked, his own forkful of food pausing in the air on its way to his mouth.</p><p>"I need to get back home"</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"Reid"</p><p>Hotchner's face slackened at Spencer's name, at the worry in Derek's eyes.</p><p>"Reid? What's wrong with Reid?" Gideon asked, looking up from his food.</p><p>"Uh, nothing-" Hotch trailed off, guestering his head for Morgan to follow him. The two went to a hallway, but JJ followed them.</p><p>"JJ" Hotch tried to stop her but she interrupted,</p><p>"No, im sorry but no, Spence is my best friend, and if he's in trouble I want to help him."</p><p>""He didn't want anyone to know, he must've called you by accident. " Morgan said, shaking his head. His eyes tracing the pattern on the wall before coming back to rest on Hotch.</p><p>"I need to go home and help him"</p><p>"We can't, I know we want to, but we are in the middle of a case," Hotch said, his words making Morgan's chest tighten with anger.</p><p>"Hotch-"</p><p>"Morgan! im sorry but Reid is an adult, and, and we have a job to do" His voice was stern but the lack of color in his lips from how tightly he was pressing them together told the other two that he hated what he was saying just as much as they did.</p><p>"I'm calling Garcia '' Morgan said, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He hated letting more people know, but Spencer couldn't be alone right now.</p><p>"Whats going on?" JJ asked, looking between the two men, her hands wringing in front of her.</p><p>"Don't call garcia" Hotch said, making Morgan freeze,</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"JJ can you just give us a moment?" Hotch hardened his gaze at JJ, she grunted in annoyance but obeyed. "Morgan '' Hotch looked back at the other man once JJ was out of sight, he lowered his voice, "the more people who know about this, the more dangerous it is for sepencer. If the higher ups catch wind of this, if they find out that we knew, Spencer, as well as us, will lose our jobs. Now what's the one thing Spencer loves more than anything?"</p><p>"His job," Morgan muttered, casting his eyes downward like a child being scolded. Hotch was right and it frustrated Morgan. "And his mother" Morgan added with a soft chuckle, but it ended quickly. A failed attempt at lightening the mood.</p><p>"But what do we tell JJ?" Morgan asked, glancing behind them at where she was standing a few minutes before.</p><p>"We will just tell her that he's struggling but we are helping him, but nothing more, no specifics."</p><p>"Ok" Morgan nodded, tightening his grip on his phone and bringing it back up to his mouth. He sighed, making a high whistle sound as air pushed between his fingers and the shell of the phone.</p><p>"Now, call reid back, and we will be home soon" Hotch leaves, going back to the team and composing a script to tell them.</p><p>Morgan dialed Spencer's number, it rang, before going to his voice mail.</p><p>"Come on kid" Morgan whispered, hanging up and calling again.</p><p>Voicemail.</p><p>"Fuck, Reid, come on" Morgan snarled,</p><p>Voicemail.</p><p>It wasn't ringing now, just going right to voicemail, meaning the phone was turned off.</p><p>"Damn it!" Morgan whined, slapping his hand against the wall in frustration.</p>
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<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Chapter 37</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer closed his eyes, his back slouching against the side of his bed. The bag of drugs sitting in his lap, a needle next to him. His discarded clothes trailed from the living room into the bedroom.</p><p>He hasn't used it yet, but he was about to.</p><p>His hand slid off his lap and landed on the needle, he wrapped his numb hands around it, holding it up to his face. Almost as if on autopilot his fingers moved to the end, peeling apart the wrapper, the parts of the needle falling to the floor with a small ting. He put it together, keeping the cap on the end for now. His hands reached into the bag, feeling the vials blindly. His bare body shivered in the air of his room, making him grit his teeth until the shivering stopped.</p><p>"You know you need it," Tobias said from the other side of the room. Spencer could see him leaning against the dresser. His stained flannel hung off him, and Spencer noticed that the sleeve of the arm Toabis had on top of his dresser, was tucked in between a drawer and the shelf. Reid's lip twitched slightly at the image in his head of Toabis getting caught in his dresser.</p><p>Spencer's fingers wrapped around a vial, the edge of the label scratching his skin. He pulled it out, the light in his room glistening off it.</p><p>Spencer wasn't shaking, his hands were still, his mind was empty, he was working only on routine. His chest was still tight, and his face was still sticky with tears but he felt numb.</p><p>He inserted the needle into the top of the vial, his eyes watching as it slowly filled with dilaudid as he pulled on the plunger. The burning in his elbows was growing, the heat making his arms itchy. He bit his lip, putting the vial back in the bag, the sound of the vial clinking against the others was loud in the empty apartment.</p><p>A drop of the liquid fell from the tip of the needle, landing on his knee, Spencer watched it slide down his bare leg, until it reached the edge of his boxers, darkening the fabric a little.</p><p>The prickling of his skin had started at the base of his back, and was slowly crawling up, now it was reached between his shoulder blades, growing over his shoulders. The vibration in his body building from anticipation.</p><p>No one had to know.</p><p>He did call them, but they didn't need to know that he actually went through with it.</p><p>He needed it.</p><p>He brought the needle to the crook of his arm, the puncture scars were starting to fade, this new one would stand out. He moved the needle away, scrunching his brows up as he thought for a minute.</p><p>It can take up to a year for the areas of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotion regulation to return to normal functioning. Therefore it's not his fault.</p><p>Right?</p><p>"Right" The voice answered his thoughts, making him flinch. His mind racing to try and find a reasonable excuse to relapse.</p><p>The main reason, these two assholes would finally leave him alone for a bit.</p><p>If an addict goes back to the same dose they used prior to rehab, they are at high risk of fatal overdose.</p><p>Spencer pulled the needle up, looking at the amount.</p><p>"Should be fine" He mutters, even though something in the back of his head was screaming at him to stop this, to put the needle down, go over to garcias and watch star trek or something.</p><p>"Do you really want to bother her?" Tobias asked, this time he was crouching in front of Reid, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped in front of him.</p><p>"Uh" Spencer stuttered out, his throat feeling incredibly dry.</p><p>"Do it between your toes, no one will notice" Tobias said, guestering to his bare feet.</p><p>"Or, do it there" Tobais points at Reids crotch, "no one wants to go near that in the first place, big veins, quick entry" </p><p>"In my groin?" Spencer was hesitant, that sounded painful.</p><p>"What's not like you're getting a lot of action, or will ever get any?" Tobais rolled his eyes, then flicked his head to move his blond hair that fell into his face.</p><p>"It's perfect, no one ever looks there" the voice purred, making Spencer tense up his shoulders.</p><p>"O-ok" he caves, his finger coming in and looping into the waistband of his boxers, tugging them down the side of his hip just enough to see where it starts to cave on the inside of his hip bone. Making sure to keep himself covered to avoid any unwanted looks from the ghosts.</p><p>"We aren't ghosts and you know it," the voice snarled, its ribrato raking against Spencer's eardrum. "We are a part of you".</p><p>Spencer needed to get rid of them. He needed them to go away.</p><p>Without thinking about it he stuck the needle past the soft flesh and into his muscle that rested between his hip bone and his private area. The stinging was stronger, the foregin object making tears come to his eyes. But as he pushed the plunger down, as the cold liquid seeped out and numbed his muscle, his head rolled back. He pulled out the needle, setting it to the side before using his hands to push himself up. His whole leg was practically numb. He fell into his bed, bringing his sheets up to cover him.</p><p>As he laid there, it was finally quiet, his body was relaxed, his skin no longer taunt against his bones. The prickling along his spine was gone, and his eyelids were too heavy to hold open.</p><p>Most importantly, that feeling of yellow was back. The warmth and calmness in his chest was glowing, making his tired lips turn slightly at the ends into a smile. His limbs, finally resting limply against his mattress, the tense muscles being forced to relax and the soreness they left behind was invisible thanks to the drugs.</p><p>Why did he stop?</p><p>This was what he wanted, all those days of suffering, when he could've easily just gone to this place.</p><p>His mind wasnt racing anymore, instead it was blank. The constant anxiety, the constant intake of information and over stimulation, gone.</p><p>Now all he could get himself to focus on, was the feeling of the sheets against his bare skin, the texture as he dragged his finger limpy down the mattress.</p><p>The best feeling though, was the yellow in his chest.</p><p>He wished he could think of a better word, but honestly all he could think to relate it to was the color of yellow.</p><p>He dragged in another deep breath, but stopped almost halfway through. His lungs contracted, stinging painfully. The color yellow felt like lightning, the pain increasing his entire rib cage. He went to exhale and the pain made his eyes almost roll back in his head.</p><p>Something was wrong.</p><p>Something was so wrong.</p><p>After a few minutes he was able to get his body to roll over, his limbs felt detached from the rest of him. He slapped his bedside table a few times before realizing that his phone was actually on the ground where he left it after turning it off in anger at Morgan.</p><p>He turned it off.</p><p>He tried to push his finger down on the power button, he didn't think it worked because nothing happened, he wasn't even sure if he was pressing a button in the first place. He couldn't feel his fingers.</p><p>Did he even have fingers?</p><p>He tried again, but instead the phone slipped out of his hand. He heard it hit the floor but it sounded miles away. His hand hit the floor searching for it, he couldn't feel it though, relying mostly on sound. Eventually he was able to haul himself up and turned on his lamp, that's when he noticed that his fingertips were almost blue, the rest of his skin was pale, not too far behind it. </p><p>This isn't good.</p><p>He leaned forward to look for his phone but the motion made his head spin. His body slid off the bed and landed on the floor, he didn't feel it though. He saw his phone, leaning closer to it, he pushed his finger down on it until he was able to pull it close enough to him to wrap his hand around it. In the light he was able to tell where the power button was, so he was sure he was actually pressing it this time.</p><p>Bringing it close to his face so he could see the button actually move to prove he was pushing on it, his eyes keep unfocusing and everything was blurring. When the screen on the phone lit up Spencer let out a weak laugh but it was cut short when pain shot through his heart.</p><p>His head fell to the floor at one point, rolling side to side but he couldn't control it, he was hardly registering what was happening, his eyes unfocusing so much that he couldn't even see his nightstand properly and he was pretty sure the leg of it was almost touching his nose.</p><p>Where was he?</p><p>Home, he was at home.</p><p>Home? What's home?</p><p>He saw the homescreen of his phone, well hardly, it was a lot to try and get his eyes to focus on it long enough. He pressed a random speed dial, again not caring. He needed help.</p><p>"Hotchner" Arrons voice made Spencer flinch "reid?"</p><p>"I-" Spencer coughed, his tongue not holding the words right. The coughing made his chest sting, as he curled up into a ball.</p><p>"Spencer?"</p><p>"I fucked up" Spencer croaked, before passing out.</p>
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<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Chapter 38</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>On the other end Hotch was sitting in the hotel bed, the blanket piling around his waist.</p><p>"Reid?" he asked again, fear gripping his own chest and making him swing his legs over the side of the bed and start to stand up. The other end was just a lot of shuffling, then a loud bang, followed by a gurgling noise before the line went dead. Hotchner quickly hung up, redialing Spencer's number.</p><p>He didn't pick up.</p><p>He dialed Garcia's number, she also didn't answer,</p><p>"God damn it!" he snarled, recalling her number, the logical said of his brain said to call 9-1-1 but, then Spencer might be found out. When he and Morgan took him to the hospital he was able to get them to keep it under wraps but now?</p><p>No, Spencer's life was more important than his job. Whether the young doctor believed it or not. Hotch dialed the local police for Spencer's house,</p><p>"Hi, yes I need to report what I think is a drug overdose, no i'm not there right now, my, my friend, he called, and i'm worried, can you just send someone over there please?" his voice was starting to tremble and he hardened his jaw.</p><p>Once he told them Spencer's address, and they told him officers were dispatched along with an ambulance, the call ended. Hotch and Garica again, this time she answered, her voice thick with sleep.</p><p>"This better be an emergency"</p><p>"Why else would I be calling at 2 am?" Hotchner snapped, probably not called for, but he was having a hard time keeping his emotions in check right now.</p><p>"Well no offence sir but-"</p><p>"Listen Garica you need to get over to Reids."</p><p>"Reid?"</p><p>"Yes, right now"</p><p>"W-why?"</p><p>"I think he might be in trouble, I already called the police, they will meet you there" Hotch could hear Garcia stumbling on her end, getting her stuff to go out the door.</p><p>"Got it" she said then hung up, Aaron sat back on the bed, his head falling into his hands as he let out a sigh. He was glad he had his own room, but should he tell Morgan? If Morgan doesnt know he might focus on the case more, so they can get out of here faster, but if Morgan tried to get a hold of Reid and cant, that might be worse. And if the agent finds out Hotch knew and didn't tell him, Aaron shuttered a little at the amount of rage Derek can have.</p><p>He didn't know what to do.</p><p>So he pulled his phone out and shot a text to Garica,</p><p>"Update me when you can"</p>
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<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Chapter 39</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garcia was panicking when she stood next to the police officers, and they stood in the doorway or Reid's apartment. The lights were off, and two officers went to look around and came back with news that Spencer wasn't there.</p><p>The apartment was empty.</p><p>"Ok" she breathed, taking a step away from the officers to stand at the top of the staircase that led up to Spencer's apartment. She dialed Hotchner's number, tilting her head back to blink her tears away. The anxiety was making her stomach turn.</p><p>Where could Spencer be?</p><p>Hotch said he was home, but he wasn't.</p><p>Hotch picked up on the third ring,</p><p>"Garcia"</p><p>"Sir-" her voice was trembling and that one word made Hotch sit up straighter.</p><p>"He's not here, we don't know where he is"</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"His phone is here, and the cops wont let me in but they said he's not here. But that his room is a mess"</p><p>"Shit"</p><p>This was the first time Penolpe had heard the unit chief swear and if it wasn't such a stressful situation right now she would have laughed.</p><p>"I don't know what to do," she said, tears started to leak down her face. She had to lean against the railing of the stairs to keep standing up.</p><p>"You can't track him, he left his phone" Hotch was muttering, thinking out loud. "I'm going to go get Morgan," Aaron said, standing up. He needed the other man's help. He didn't even bother putting on shoes, walking quickly down the hall in his pajama pants and t-shirt, nothing else. The phone clenched tightly in his hand and pushed painfully up against his ear.</p><p>When Hotch reached the morghan door he pounded on it, this was an emergency. He was taken aback when Morgan opened it, next to him stood JJ. It was clear she's been crying, and Hotch was pretty sure she was there to try and get information out of Morgan.</p><p>"Spencers missing," Hotch said, pushing his way into the room.</p><p>"What?" Morgan almost yelled, his eyes narrowing at the unit chief.</p><p>"Listen, he called me, I think he relapsed, and maybe overdosed. He needed help, I called 9-1-1 and Garcia to go check on him. When they got to his place, they said everything was a mess, but he was gone. " Hotch rushed out quickly, trying to keep his voice level.</p><p>"Can Garica track his phone?" JJ asked, folding her arms in front of her and holding her sides tightly. Like she was afraid she'd fall apart.</p><p>"Left his phone" Hotch shook his head, his eyes watching as Morgan swore, turning and sending a kick into the side of his bed.</p><p>"Ok, so, I need your guys help, you know him best, where could he be?"</p><p>"Well if he's under the influence, there's no telling where he could be" Morgan muttered, rubbing a hand on his head and bringing it back to rest on his neck.</p><p>"Ok, ok lets start with a profile, who is Spencer?"</p><p>"Uh" JJ shook her head, clearly trying to think but all of this was too much to process.</p><p>"Come on guys think!" Hotch pushed,</p><p>"His mom!"</p><p>The trio jumped, forgetting that Garica was still on the line in Hotch's hand, her tiny voice yelling at them.</p><p>"Maybe he's going somewhere related to his mom?" She offered again, this time Hotch had her on speaker phone.</p><p>"Yes but what would relate to his mom here? His moms in vegas" JJ flicked the hair out of her face and then started to pace.</p><p>"He doesn't like crowds, so he'll probably try to avoid that" Hotch said,</p><p>"The subways are closed right now so he cant travel too far, he doesn't drive, and I dont think ive ever seen him take a taxi" Morgan was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed and one hand sprawled across his face as he thought.</p><p>"Ok, ok Spence is conscientious, i've never seen him leave a task undone, is it possible there's something he needs to do?" JJ was reaching, she was trying to think of anything. All she could think about was how everything needed to be just so with Spencer, his desk, the cases, his home. So it made sense that something would be bothering him enough he'd relapse and then it still would be at the forefront of his mind. Relapse from what she didn't know, that's why she was in Morgan's room in the first place, trying to get information out of him. Spencer was her best friend, and she knew something was up but she just thought it was depression, or the flu.</p><p>"Ok, that's a good point, and a lot of what Reid does is rooted from his past right?" Morgan asked the room, they could all feel the vibration on their skin, how uncomfortable they were profiling one of their friends. It was an unspoken rule that the team didn't do that, but it's safe to say this was different. "Wait" Morgan lifted his head,</p><p>"Garica?"</p><p>"Yea?"</p><p>"Has anyone checked my house?"</p><p>"Your house why?"</p><p>"Oh" Hotch was catching on, it would make sense for Spencer to go to the one place he was able to get sober the first time. "Yes, tell the police to check Morgan's place"</p><p>"Do I go with them?"</p><p>"If you think you can do anything at his house"</p><p>"Wait!" JJ stepped forward, "Garica, go in and describe the scene, if we can maybe get a look into what happened right before, that might help us find out where he might've gone"</p><p>"Ok" Garica sounded hesitant, she wasn't a big fan on snooping around their resident doctors place.</p><p>"Ok" she was walking past the doorway, after giving the police the address to Morgan's place and telling them to check there while she checks here.</p><p>"Ok, so his bag, it looks like it fell off the desk? All his stuff is scattered across the floor. He has books everywhere, the lamp on his desk is tipped over. " she stopped talking, the other three leaning in closer to the phone.</p><p>"Ok, so if his bag is dumped, he must've been desperate" Morgan stated,</p><p>"Might've been when he called me" JJ said quietly, wringing her hands together.</p><p>"There's a tipped over chess table, all the pieces are all over the floor, I almost stepped on one"</p><p>That made Morgan raise his eyebrows, why would Spencer risk breaking his chess game?</p><p>"Hold on I gotta turn more lights on" Garicas breathing was becoming slightly more erratic, she was clearly upset at the state of Spencer's apartment.</p><p>"Oh my god" Her voice cracked and the shock in it made shivers run down JJ's spine.</p><p>"What? What is it? " she asked, Garcia did not respond, just the sound of her crying,</p><p>"Talk to me baby girl" Morgan</p><p>"His, I uh, im at his room now, oh my god"</p><p>"Garcia" Hotch tried to ground the technician. "What do you see?"</p><p>"His room is a mess, and there's, there's a needle, and some vials?"</p><p>"His stash" Hotch muttered, tightening his jaw in frustration, he knew it was somewhere in that apartment, why didn't he look harder to get rid of it?</p><p>"There's, there's blood" she stuttered out, her breath catching in her throat as she noticed the small pool of blood at the base of his night stand, some of it smeared across the floor.</p><p>"Oh my god" she chokes out, having to lean against the door frame.</p><p>"I don't understand, I thought you said he overdosed? How could he have gotten up and run away?" Morgan growled, he wasn't mad at Hotch, not really, he was terrified. He was scared not knowing where the kid was, that he could be dead in some alley somewhere, or in a river, or getting more drugs. He could be doing anything, and they had no idea where to even start.</p><p>"Damn it kid" Morgan muttered, turning and putting his fist against the wall and leaning his forehead against it.</p><p>"We did most of the leg work here right? We can be done here right? The cops can finish it." JJ knew the answer, they couldn't leave until the case was closed, but she was hoping that under these circumstances, they could go home. The look Hotch sent her confirmed this, as much as he wanted to get home, and get out looking for Reid personally, they couldn't.</p><p>"Garcia send us pictures, i'll call you back in a minute" Hotch says before hanging up, he needed to get his team together so they could finish this case and get home.</p><p>"JJ go get prentiss, Morgan go get gideon. We are going to finish this case" The other two nodded, quickly leaving the room to go get the others. After a few minutes a groggy Emily and a still practically snoring Gideon followed JJ and Morgan back into the room. Hotch had gathered all his files from his own room and they laid sprawled out on the bed.</p><p>"What's going on?" Emily yawned, before shaking her head and taking in the scene.</p><p>"We need to solve this case so we can get back home." Hotch said, leaving it at that. No one questioned it, it was very rare to be woken up in the middle of the night to finish a case, Hotch was big on everyone getting enough sleep, so clearly something was wrong.</p><p>They spent the next two hours or so piling over everything they already knew, it was hard to do anything else for the case. Three out of the five heads in that room weren't 100% focused, and the other two noticed it but didn't say anything. When the sun started to rise they all dispersed and went to their own rooms to get dressed and pack up, hopefully so they could make a quick getaway.</p><p>They loaded up the cars and hurried to the station, JJ already on the phone with the lead detective on the case.</p><p>By lunch time the case was closed.</p><p>Spencer had been right, all of their suspects where working together, using the passage ways under their houses to hold the children.</p><p>Once the cops had them all in custody and charged, the team was able to leave, thankfully.</p><p>The team rushed to the loading dock, practically sprinting up the plane stairs.</p><p>The anxiety in the plane cabin was unbelievable, making everyone fidget and stay quiet. Emily and Gideon put two and two together and realized it had to be something to do with Spencer, but they still didn't quite know what.</p><p>Once the plane got in the air, Hotch told them, told them that the rest of the team suspected Spencer to be in danger, and that they needed to get home to help him.</p><p>Its been almost 12 hours since anyone had last heard from spencer.</p><p>12 hours since he supposedly overdosed and relapsed on duliaded.</p><p>12 hours, and still no one had any idea where he was.</p>
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<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Chapter 40</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Spencer came through he wasn't 100% sure if his eyes were open or not, he felt like he opened them, they stung a little from the air, but he couldn't see anything. He went to lift his arm to wave his hand in front of his face and hissed through his teeth, the hot pain shooting through his entire body. He tried to relax, tried to use his other senses to figure out where he was. His back was sore, well his whole body was sore but his back was laying on something hard.</p><p>The ground?</p><p>He wrinkled his nose, the stench of garbage finally being realized. It was strong, how had he not noticed it before? It was actually burning his throat It was so strong. He slowly decided to test his body again, he could wiggle his toes.</p><p>Ok good, his calves were shaking but he could maybe tighten them?</p><p>His butt and stomach could be tightened, even if the movement made him nauseous.</p><p>He tightened his hands into a weak fist, before slowly moving his arms to cross his chest.</p><p>Ok, if he moved slowly, he thinks he could move.</p><p>A sharp stabbing pain shot through his chest, making him wince. His hand sprawled across his chest and he felt something cold, and wet? Lifting his hand slightly he felt whatever was on him, still clinging to his hand. He put his hands beside him, trying to get a good grip on the ground. Slowly he tried to lift his shivering body into a sitting position. The pain shot through his whole body and he felt his head get light before he fell back and smacked back into the pavement. Luckily he didn't get very high so it wasn't a big fall, but it still made his ribcage curl inward more. The fire burning at every curve and edge of his body.</p><p>He tried to take in a deep breath, the air dragging against this throat and bringing new tears to his eyes. The air pushed against his lungs, settling at the bottom and making him very aware of all the bronchi.</p><p>You can't really feel those. You just know that they are there so you think you can feel them.</p><p>Good to know that he can still scold himself?</p><p>He put his hand on the ground again, the tiny pebbles digging into his flesh. Holding his breath he tried again. His head swam, the world tilting around him and making him dig his fingertips into the ground more to stay stable.</p><p>He was shocked at the moan that tumbled out of his mouth, the sound was foreign to him, and didn't sound anything like him. He was able to make himself sit up this time, shuffling enough to lean back against whatever it was behind him.</p><p>It felt like a brick wall.</p><p>He reached his hand out to feel around, the tightness of his muscles making the bones creak. His fingertips tapped the side of something cold, metal. The smell was coming from that direction, so it's probably a dumpster.</p><p>After a few minutes he tried sitting up more, the wave of dizziness made him drop his head, his chin touching his chest. His mouth filled with saliva, and the burning sensation shot up his throat.</p><p>He tried again, this time gritting his teeth while forcing himself to sit up more. His whole body jerks with a violent shiver before falling back into small vibrations. His shoulders curling in and out while trying to get warm.</p><p>Shirt?</p><p>He wasn't wearing a shirt. His fingers grazed his leg and he then realized he wasn't wearing anything but his boxers.</p><p>Great.</p><p>He was lost, ill, and practically naked, somewhere in a big city.</p><p>His fingers dug into the crevices of the wall behind him, trying to get a grip so he could stand up. His legs protested, the muscles tightening and shaking so much that he collapsed back onto the ground. Heat shooting from his tailbone and up his spine, making his eyes sore. He blinked a few times, reeling from being able to feel his eyeball as a whole.</p><p>That was a weird feeling.</p><p>Come on.</p><p>He had to move.</p><p>He didn't know how long he's been here, he didn't even know where here was.</p><p>He reached back up, his body jerking again with a harsh shiver. His hip hitting the ground first and taking in his full weight.</p><p>He needs to get up.</p><p>His teeth pushed together so harshly that his jaw stung, his hand reached out and grabbed the side of, yes, it felt like a dumpster. He was able to get himself up this time, leaning against the wall. His arms wrapped around himself, the chilled air reaching his bones.</p><p>He wrinkled his nose, where was he supposed to go? He didn't know where he was, he didn't have a phone, he couldn't really be caught walking around like this.</p><p>Slowly exhaling he tried to get the kink out of his back, the movement made his head swirl, the ground rising quickly toward him. He lurched forward, a grunt leaving his lips when he steadied himself on the dumpster, his shoulder twisting painfully backward.</p><p>Once he was close enough to the street light at the end of what he determined to be a dark alley, he was able to look himself over. His whole body was covered in goosebumps, the shivering getting more and more painful as it jerked his frame around. He looked down and noticed his chest and stomach, well the whole front half of his body was wet. Covered in what he was pretty sure was vomit. The boxers clung to his thin thighs, the bile making it bunch up and expose more of his pale skin.</p><p>Spencer needed to figure out where he was. He needed to figure out what the hell happened, where he was.</p><p>He wasn't, he wasn't on a case.</p><p>He closed his eyes, his fingers coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He was having a hard time breathing, his lungs burned and they felt full of cotton.</p><p>His body slumped forward, his shoulder hitting the cold brick wall as his whole body started into convulsions.</p><p>He needed to get out of here, something wasn't right.</p><p>It was then he remembered, his eyes snapping open and causing his head to lull to the side.</p><p>He relapsed.</p><p>Something was wrong, so wrong, this wasn't like usual.</p><p>His knees were still shaking and he tried to lean away from the wall, it caused him to backpedal, his numb feet stumbled over each other until he hit the ground in a thud. The pain made his lungs deflate, they already did not have a lot of oxygen in them so hitting the ground made his eyesight dim.</p><p>He needed, he needed.</p><p>Spencer could breathe. His mouth was open and he could hear the pathetic gasping over the blood rushing in his ears. The air was harsh on his throat, stinging as it dragged down into his lungs, but it couldn't really get into his lungs. Not really, it was like the fall made the cotton fluff up leaving less room for the air to sit.</p><p>He felt his stomach lurch, the burning sensation crawling up his stomach, pushing under his itching lungs and leaking into his throat.</p><p>He was throwing up, he couldn't move his body, and he was throwing up, again.</p><p>He wasn't sure how many other times he had thrown up but it was clear he had a few times. But this time was different, he was awake. He would be aware of how his own body would slowly choke itself to death. The bile would block out the air, he would gasp it back in, it would soak into the cotton in his lungs, caking them to the walls of the organ covering the bronchi.</p><p>He would be found by a stranger, his body rigid and cold, the skin becoming ashen and the veins enhancing. The blood pooling around and marbling under him, making his corpse bloat in odd places, distorting him.</p><p>They would write him off as a drug addict. Which wasn't far off, that's what he was. Maybe he deserved to die like this, pathetically alone, displayed for the whole world to see how much of a disappointment he was. He tensed his back, trying to arch it off the chilled pavement that bit into his skin.</p><p>His body contorted, his mouth opening to heave the congealed cotton. The warmth splattered back onto him, hitting his face and neck. He coughed again, his gasping dragging the bile down into his lungs. The cotton felt like it had caught fire.</p><p>This was how he was going to die.</p><p>He was trying to relax into it, this is what he deserved after all, for fucking up this much. But his body's natural reaction kept him jerking, his skin cutting itself on the glass and pebbles underneath him. Somehow he ended up on his side, his body curling in on himself, his ribs exposed to the cold air and making him shiver.</p><p>The hot acid bumbled out of his chapped lips, sliding down the side of his face and pooling around his cheek between the ground. The texture was nauseating, making his stomach lurch again, as was the smell, but the warmth was slightly welcoming.</p><p>He placed a shaking hand on the pavement, his fingers sinking into the chilling vomit, but slowly pushed against the ground. He could hardly move his body enough to move his arm out from under him, let alone lift himself up.</p><p>He clenched his sore eyelids shut, willing them to stop burning with tears. He couldn't afford to cry right now, the weakness it would leave behind could potentially be the death of him.</p><p>Letting out what was supposed to be a frustrated scream, it came out as a small whimper, making him cringe into himself. He tried to inhale again, the air getting slicked with the emesis and spit, sticking to his lungs like honey.</p><p>He somehow found himself on his hands and knees, his forehead pushing against the ground and he could feel the soft skin being pierced by the debris of the city that's been slowly gathered in that alley. He moved his tongue around his mouth, sliding it against his teeth almost painfully hard. He spits onto the ground, his nose burning as the movement made the excess bile move to his nasal passages. Slowly he was able to lift from his elbows, feeling the skin move and the small pebbles falling back onto the ground. His palms dug into the pavement, fingers curling so his nails bent slightly away from them.</p><p>Letting out a groan he rocked himself forward, the movement making his stomach roll, the heat climbing back up his body.</p><p>He needed, he needed Derek.</p><p>His whole body was shaking to the point where he was amazed he was even able to get on to his hands and knees. The edge of the boxers crawling up his backside, digging in uncomfortably. His arms bent lower, the muscles coiling and the tremors building up to a painful level. His nose brushed into the spilled bile, the smell becoming overwhelming as it stuck to his skin. He was able to shuffle closer to the wall, gritting his teeth as he leaned against it, focusing on which parts of his body held his weight right now. He dug his shoulder into the brick, hardly noticing how it tore at his skin as he slid up, leaving scrapes all the way down his arm.</p><p>Somehow he was standing again, his head swimming as the ground beneath him rolled. His hands gripped the wall, hauling himself up as his body tried to crumple to the ground again.</p><p>Through his squinting eyes and matted hair, he could see the opening of the alley. He needed to look down at his feet to see where they went since he couldn't feel them, but he couldn't look down because the ground pulsed under him, he couldn't keep his balance and kept swaying.</p><p>He glanced down again, watching as the feet stepped forward, the muscles burning and feeling like they were pulling from his bones. He had to look back up at the alley, the pressure on his chest making his breathing shallow and loud.</p><p>By the time Reid got to the end of the alley, he almost burst into tears when he saw a phone booth a few feet away.</p><p>By the time the man's trembling hands pushed open the glass doors he had tears soaking his face. The pain in his entire body was immeasurable and if he didn't get help soon, he was going to die.</p><p>Unless he was already dead.</p><p>The thought made him freeze, what if-</p><p>No, he clearly was still alive, even if it was a little, he could clearly feel the air painfully being pushed into his lungs. He could feel every ache and throb in his being and if he was dead, wouldn't that go away?</p><p>That was unless he was in hell, he wasn't really spiritual, the concept of God and the devil, made him conflicted. How could he believe there was a God who did all these good things if all he has seen in life was evil? And if the devil was real, then would god also be real? You can't really have one without the other, and that moment in the shed.</p><p>Now wasn't really the time to be having this kind of thought process, and the idea of being back in that shed made his already tight chest pang with anxiety.</p><p>He stumbled into the phone booth, yelping as the edge of the phone dug into his side. He started openly sobbing when he saw the dropped quarter on the floor. He needed that change, he needed to make this call but he wasn't sure that if he bent over to get the coin if he would ever get back up.</p><p>He had nothing to lose, he let his legs give out, his body twisting as it fell, pain making lights flash around his vision, his teeth biting into his lip as he let out a cry. His clammy fingers tried to pick up the coin, his nails pushing between the metal and the grubby floor. The coin shot out from between his tightening fingers, hitting the side of the booth. Spencer let out another whimper, hating how weak he was right now.</p><p>Finally, he got the coin into his hand, slipping it into the slot, and arching his neck as he tried to dial Derek's number. He still sat crumpled on the booth floor, the phone now off the hook and swinging in the air between him and the wall. His fingers hardly could push into the buttons, the movement asking too much. By the time he finished dialing what he hoped would be the other man's number, his arm slumped down next to him, wrist hitting the hard cool metal floor with a thud. His shoulder slumped over, his head rolling over so it touched the dirty public phone. Trapping the phone between the wall and his head he waited as it rang.</p><p>It rang twice before Spencer heard his friend's voice over the phone.</p><p>"Hello?"</p><p>"Morgan" Spencer tried to get out but it was gargled, the words hardly above a whisper.</p><p>"Hello?" Morgan asked again.</p><p>"Derek" Spencer choked out, his body falling forward as a round of hacking up his lungs made him fall over. He let out a sob, he was tired, scared, he needed help.</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan's voice was small, digitized, faint as the phone swung back and forth in the booth.</p><p>"Help" Spencer gasped, the glass walls of the booth felt nice against his clammy skin, his next words choked out by the next round of bile that rose out of his body. The hot wetness made him wince, matching the hot tears that sunk down his cheeks and neck, mixing in with the dripping bile.</p><p>"Reid? Kid?"</p><p>Morgan's swaying voice made Spencer let out a sob, he didn't know what to do, he didn't know where he was, or if anyone even wanted to find him. He wasn't even 100% sure he wanted to be found, not like this.</p>
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<a name="section0041"><h2>41. Chapter 41</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Morgan was hovering over Garcia's desk, urging her to hurry up. Her computer whirling with dots and lines and words that he couldn't quite understand.</p><p>“Kid? you still there?” Derek asked into his phone that was still pressed against his ear, he needed to keep Spencer on the line, they needed Garcia to pinpoint the location of that booth. Morgan could hear what sounded like crying, and Spencer throwing up. The kid's voice was hardly audible, Derek wasn't even sure it was really him after first, but who else could it be.</p><p>“Got it!” Garcia shouted, looking up from her laptop, the whole team was brainstorming in the conference room when Morgan got the call. Garcia shouted out the location as the team ran out the door, their feet pounding on the floor as they rushed to the cars. Their bodies coiled with anxiety, waiting to see how this would pan out, how would this end?</p><p>Hotch ordered the others to stay back, allowing only him and morgan to find the young doctor, he didn't need to overwhelm the kid by the whole team finding him. Morgan and Hotch had left the team frantic in the garage. They started to argue but quickly realized they were wasting time. So instead, they returned to the round room, pacing around and twiddling their thumbs with anxiety.</p><p>Morgan was still repeating Spencer's name into the phone, his legs bouncing as he sat in the passenger seat, Hotch white-knuckling the steering wheel as he sped through the city.</p><p>The phone booth wasn't that far from spencers apartment, it was just in the last direction they would've thought to find him.</p><p>When the two men rounded the corner, their headlights landing on the phone booth both felt their stomach drop.</p><p>Slumped over on the floor of the booth was what looked like the too skinny pale body of Reid.</p><p>Morgan was out of the car before Hotch had even pulled up to the corner let alone put the car in park. His phone tossed onto the floor of the car, his hands instead pried the booth door open. Quickly coming to rest on Spencer's neck, he let out a sigh when he felt a weak pulse. Morgan winced at the sight once he determined the kid was alive, his ragged breathing making his chest sputter up and down, the stench of bile making Morgan want to add his own to the mix. It was actually scary how much Spencer seemed to have thrown up, he was covered in the sick, it slowly pooling under him. The parts of skin not covered in the bile was rose with goosebumps, his whole body jerking in what Morgan has yet to determine if they were shivers from being cold, or some kind of convulsions from the drugs.</p><p>Hotch had arrived behind the boys, his hands holding two blankets that he kept in the trunk of the car.</p><p>“Come on, get him up” Hotch ordered, keeping his voice firm and trying to stay calm and in control, Morgan's own body was shaking so much he almost matched Reid.</p><p>Morgan hooked his hands under Spencer's armpits, hauling him up easily, which worried both men. Hotch quickly wrapped a blanket around Spencer, allowing Morgan to pick up Spencer by holding his back and hooking his other arm under the kid's knees, the blanket keeping the sick contained. They ran to the car, Morgan climbing into the back seat with Spencer, keeping his head on his lap.</p><p>“Come on kid” Morgan muttered, lightly tapping the kid's cheek as he moved some of his stringy hair out of the way. “Wake up”</p><p>Hotch had pulled away and started driving toward the nearest hospital, flipping the sirens on.</p><p>“Come on Reid!” Morgan yelled, his hand going to push down on the kid's chest when he noticed the breathing was getting slower and more shallow.</p><p>His fingers slipped in the bile that caked the younger man's chest, multiple layers were evident with the varying levels of thickness and heat. He pushed the blanket around, trying to clean off the kid.</p><p>“Reid!” Morgan groaned, adjusting Spencer so his airways would be cleared, “drive Hotch!”</p><p>“I am!” Hotch yelled back, his own anxiety snaking into his voice. Finally, the hospital came into view, the bright lights and large signs making Hotch's stomach lurch. They peeled into the ER drive, the sirens still blasting and Hotch laying on the horn.</p><p>“Help us!” Morgan yelled as Hotch yanked the door open for him, the agent cradled the unconscious doctor to his chest, his arms tight around him like that was what was keeping Spencer together.</p><p>“What do we have?” A nurse asked, followed by another group of nurses with a gurney.</p><p>“We aren't sure, we think OD on Dilaudid, found him like this' ' Hotch rushed out, Morgan's own voice unable to make any sound except for gasps of Reid's name. Reid's body was placed on the gurney, its frame still trembling and shaking. Hotch had to grab Morgan's arm, stopping him from rushing after the small group. Hotch could feel how badly Derek was shaking, it was clearly visible, but feeling the firm man's muscles trembling so violently under his hands made Hotch unsteady himself.</p><p>Once the two men were settled in the waiting room, Hotch called Gideon.</p><p>“We found him, he's in the ER right now, we are waiting.”</p><p>“Ok, we are all on our way” Gideon responded, his own voice slightly calming Hotch. After he hung up, Hotch glanced back at Morgan, who sat slumped over, his head in his hands. Hotch let his fist bump the door frame, letting out a sigh himself. </p><p>He had to keep it together.</p>
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<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Chapter 42</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took a little over a half-hour for the rest of the team to stumble into the waiting room, all of them looking disheveled and exhausted. They all looked at the unit chief, waiting for him to reassure them, but he didn't think he could. Spencer was in a really bad place, Hotch had never seen the kid get that bad before.</p><p>“Coffee” Morgan muttered, standing up. Once he stood up Hotch heard the girls gasp, he turned to see what was wrong and had to hold back the groan that bubbled up behind his lips. Morgan had not washed off yet, his entire front of his shirt was covered in the slowly hardening vomit from Spencer, the fabric being stuck in the crumpled position from when he sat slumped over.</p><p>“Oh,” Morgan whispered, his fingers gripping the hem of his shirt and slowly pulling the shirt taut, pieces of dried vomit flaked off and fell to the ground.</p><p>“So that was the smell” Garcia whispered, her voice trembling slightly.</p><p>“You know, let's take you home and get you a change in clothes.” Garcia continued, Morgan's eyes slowly lifted from his shirt, landing on the technician's worried eyes.</p><p>“No, I'm not leaving the kid” Morgan's voice was husky, clearly tired from the day's activities.</p><p>“Derek-”</p><p>“No baby” He cut her off, “ill, I'll go ask a nurse for a shirt” His voice was hardly above a whisper, but the team understood. Well kind of, Hotch understood, he saw Spencer, he knew how much of a shock the sight was. Morgan left the room, his eyes blankly staring in front of him.</p><p>The rest of the team slowly settled into their own spots in the room, the girls huddled close to hold each other's hands, Gideon sat across from Hotch who sat so he had a clear view of the door. After a few minutes the two men heard the faint beeping of Garcias DS, she always had it in her bag and the two knew it was a coping mechanism for her. When they turned in their seats they saw Emily and JJ on either side of Garcia, their unfocused eyes aimed at the game, trying to also leave the waiting room for a bit. Garica was talking softly, explaining to them what it was she was playing and the point of the game.</p><p>Everyone looked up when Morgan walked back in, he wore one of the hospital shirts that are made of paper towel like material, his hands held several cups of hospital coffee in a carrying tray, the hot steam making a small cloud in the air right above the cups.</p><p>Morgan was given small thanks and head nods while he handed out the cups of coffee, before he himself slumped down in his own seat, away from everyone else. He looked ridiculous in that shirt, it looked boxy, hovering above his shoulders as the back of it was pushed up by the chair. The light blue didn't look good on the dark man just because it was such a weird shade of blue and it wrinkled up under his chin, his hand continuously coming up to push it down but it would slowly rise back up.</p><p>“You know, Spence is gonna want a book, and his chessboard when he wakes up, and Morgan, you need a shirt so, so how about I head back and get stuff for everyone,” JJ said standing up, her voice was shaking just enough to be noticeable to her team.</p><p>“I'll come with,” Emily said, quickly joining JJ by the door, her arm coming around to wrap around the blonde. “Garcia you wanna come?”</p><p>The technician wasn't planning on it, but the sight of JJ made Garcia stand up, she needed to help her boys.</p><p>“Yea” she breathed, packing up her stuff. Once the three girls left the room, promising to be back asap the men sat in silence.</p><p>The noise of the hospital slowly ebbed and flowed past the open door to the waiting room. The sound reached the men's ears but did not necessarily get processed. They all sat in silence, their eyes zoning in on different parts of the room so they didn't look at each other.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They didn't know how much time passed by the time the girls returned. Shoving small bags into the men's hands, and sitting down with both their own bag and what could be assumed as Spencer's bag. Morgan muttered thanks before leaving the room, going to change out of that horrid shirt.</p><p>When he returned he wore a hoodie, slumping back down into his seat and tossing the bag on the chair next to him. Hotch noticed the other man tuck his hands into the sleeves of his shirt, crossing his arms, but Hotch could still slightly see the movement suggesting that Morgan was rubbing his fingers along the material. Taking in his team again, Hotch noticed that the women had changed while they were gone, now wearing more comfortable clothes to wait in, their makeup is gone, their tired eyes once again focusing on Garcia's DS game.</p><p>“He's gonna be fine” Gideon's voice made Hotch's eyes land on him, he couldn't tell if Gideon was talking to himself or to the room. Either way, no one responded to the older man.</p><p>After what felt like years, a nurse stepped into the waiting room.</p><p>“Spencer Reid?”</p><p>“Dr. Reid '' The whole room corrected simultaneously, it's become a habit now to make sure others know how important and successful their resident genius is.</p><p>“Sorry, Dr. Reid?”</p><p>“Yeah that's us,” Hotch said, taking control, standing in front of his team while they gathered around.</p><p>“Ok, so he's stable now, we will be moving him to his own room soon, we had to put him on a ventilator, and he should be waking up soon. He lost a lot of fluids and had damaged both his lungs and his muscles. We have him as comfortable as we can get him right now.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Hotch responded, his brain trying to process everything he was just told.</p><p>“When can we see him?” Morgan's voice was firm again, back to his no-nonsense tone.</p><p>“We will let you know, we want to run some more tests and keep an eye on him a little longer.”</p><p>“Ok” Morgan wasn't happy with that answer, but at least the kid was alright now. Well kinda.</p>
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<a name="section0043"><h2>43. Chapter 43</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The team sat in the waiting room for another hour or two before Hotch stood up.</p><p>“Alright guys, everyone go home, Reid is being taken care of here, there's nothing more we can do and we all need some sleep.”</p><p>There were some mild protests and sighing but eventually, everyone had filed out of the room and toward the parking lot.</p><p>Derek stopped at the door, his shoulder even with Hotch’s as they stood facing separate directions.</p><p>“I can't close my eyes,” Morgan whispered, bringing his hand up and dragging it down his face with a sigh. “Every, every time I do, all I see is” He couldn't finish, he couldn't get those words to form, to put out into the air the imagination that is permanently burned into his brain. The sight of Reid, almost skeletal, close to death, dying in his own filth at the bottom on a payphone booth.</p><p>“I know” Hotch responds, that same image in his own head.</p><p>“Sorry man, you go home to your family, ill, ill just” Derek trails off, what was he going to do? </p><p>“Morgan, he’s going to be ok,” Hotch says, turning to his friend and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Now go home and get some rest.” The two turned and left the small waiting room.</p><p>“I'm going to hit the head first, you go on” Morgan mutters when they got close to the restrooms. </p><p>“Ok, see you tomorrow, get some rest” Aaron made his voice firm, pointing at Morgan to emphasize his words.</p><p>Morgan nodded, shouldering his way into the bathroom, once the door swung closed behind him Hotch turned and continued to his car.</p><p>The drive home was silent for Aaron, the sound of tires sliding on pavement filling his ears. The car smelled faintly of Vomit, making Hotch have to crack the windows adding the sound of the wind to his ears.</p><p>When he pulled into his driveway, Hotch sat there in silence, his eyes focusing on his whitening knuckles around the steering wheel.</p><p>They thought he was in the clear.</p><p>He was doing so well.</p><p>What triggered him?</p><p>Eventually, Hotch left the car, jerking a little in the doorway to his living room when the light flicked on as he entered. Haley stood by the lamp, her feet quickly moving her toward her husband as he settled down. His shoulders slumping forward and his head sagging to meet her's.  She wrapped her arms around him, placing her head on his chest.</p><p>“He's going to be ok” Hotch murmurs, whether to himself or to Haley it didn't matter. The two stood there, washed in the warm light of the lamp, swaying slightly.</p><p>While Hotch was trying to focus on the feeling of his wife in his arms, Morgan stood in the glaring lights of the hospital bathroom. His knuckles wrapped around the porcelain sink, his head sagging closer to the running tap. He jerked it up, his eyes landing on themselves in the mirror. The skin around them was dark, sagging, indents to show the amount of stress he was under. He looked away, his hands coming under the facet and cupping water, he splashed it on his face. Shaking his head a little before grabbing paper towel and drying off.</p><p>He wasn't going home, he wasn't leaving Reid alone here.</p><p>With that he trudged back to the waiting room, slumping down in the chair Hotch previously resided in.</p><p>Not like he could go home, he came here with Hotch, he had no car. The thought made him left out a huff of laugher, all he could muster. He couldn't go home, it was like the universe was reminding him of that. He left the kid once already and look how that ended.</p>
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<a name="section0044"><h2>44. Chapter 44</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the team returned to the hospital they weren't really that surprised to find out the morgan had spent the night there. The nurses did not have any real updates on Reid except that he was still stable. They still couldn't see him.</p><p>Morgan was sprawled out on the chair, using both his and Spencer's bags as a pillow of sorts. At one point in the night, he was given a blanket by one of the night nurses, it was covering the upper half of his body while his legs laid tangled in the arm of the chairs he perched them on.</p><p> JJ had stopped and got coffee on her way in, and the team silently accepted them. They didn't agree on a time to arrive, yet as if it was natural instinct, somehow they all arrived at relatively the same time, all within the same hour at least.</p><p>They all sat in silence, staring at their coffees, waiting, until JJ got a phone call. She went to the other side of the room, talking quietly into her phone.</p><p>Once she returned, her face did not hold good news.</p><p>“We might have another case, I have to go back to the office to look at it”</p><p>Everyone, even total strangers who could walk in, could tell that was the last thing the blonde wanted to do, her shoulders hunched closer together as she brought her hands up to rub her arms. A scowl on her face.</p><p>“We all should” Hotch took in a deep breath, “It's the last thing we want to do I know, but we all should try and get back to work, we can alternate and have one of us here at all times for updates and as soon as we are able to see him, we will return” Hotch kept his voice stable and determined, but he couldn't ignore the strong pull he felt. The urge to just sit back down in those uncomfortable chairs, to have everyone return to their waiting silence, jumping at every noise in hopes its news about their resident Dr.</p><p>He knew the whole team felt it. </p><p>But they couldn't ignore their jobs, they couldn't ignore the ugliness of the world that kept spinning even when it feels like theirs has crashed around them.</p><p>Spencer would understand. In fact, they think he would be more upset if they all did what they wanted and ignored their jobs.</p><p>“I'll take first watch” Derek mumbled, stretching out with a groan before relaxing back into the chair as much as he could.</p><p>“Absolutely not” Hotch spun on his heels to face the younger man. “You've been here all night, you need to go home and get some actual rest, someone will drop you off at home on their way to the office.” Hotch looked at his team, “Emily, you take first watch, Once I assess the case and see who would be strongest on the case Ill determine who will go next”</p><p>“Oh, so I'm the weakest link” Emily scoffed jokingly, trying to lighten the mood in any way she could. Her statement made a few strained smiles but nothing more, She would take it. She sat back down, crossing her legs and trying to lean back. The rest of the team said their goodbyes and left, forcing an objecting Derek Morgan out with them.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Hotch rangled Derek into the passenger seat, and when he returned to the driver's seat he smirked at the grown man. He was sitting with his arms crossed, pouting like a child who didn't get his way.</p><p>“You need to get some rest Morgan, you won't be any help to Reid if you pass out due to exhaustion.”</p><p>“I can't go home” Morgan muttered, making Hotch glace away from the road to him in question.</p><p>“All I'll see is where the kid should be” Morgan continued, “We shouldn't have left him alone, he wasn't ready. I won't be able to sleep knowing that he should be in the room down the hall, safe, and getting better, not strapped up the machines keeping him alive in a hospital, you know how much he hates hospitals hotch, he won't be able to get any actual rest, his anxiety will ring him out.” Morgan was rambling, the words leaving him without even being processed in his brain first. The two had reached his house already, the car idling in his driveway.</p><p>“Morgan” Hotch kept his voice low, trying to get the other man to calm down. “I understand why you don't want to go inside, but please. Go inside, take a shower, please take a shower” The comment made both men chuckle dryly, “take some melatonin and try to get some rest, I promise you, as soon as we know anything, you'll be the first I call.”</p><p>“Ok, thanks Hotch” Derek mutters, his fingers gripping the handle to the door and popping it open. He swung himself out of the car, his body swaying slightly as the exhaustion made it hard to even stand up.</p><p>“Get some rest” Hotch smiled, watching the other man walk into his house before putting his car in reverse and pulling out of the driveway.</p>
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<a name="section0045"><h2>45. Chapter 45</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Morgan stood in his entryway, swaying under the weight of exhaustion. He let his hands drop his bag on the floor, deciding to deal with it later. He kicked his shoes off, stumbling to the kitchen for a glass of water.</p><p> Once that was taken care of, he found himself slowly going up the stairs. He probably looked similar to Reid when they first tried to get him up the stairs, the thought made his body feel heavier.</p><p> He entered his room, throwing his shirt on the floor, hopping out of his jeans, and letting them sprawl on the floor as well. He collapsed into the bed, the sheets feeling soft on Derek's skin. He crawled further into the bed, pulling the blankets higher upon him. </p><p>Before he could really think of anything else, like how he left his phone downstairs, or how his usual cleanliness had clearly left the building since he left his clothes and things in a trail on the floor. His eyes fluttered shut, he took a deep inhale, smelling his own fabric softener instead of the harsh sterilization of the hospital. </p><p>As he exhaled, he fell asleep, his body relaxing and sinking into the mattress, hands loosening around his grip on the blankets as his arms limply slid off his side and onto the bed. He didn't even have time to see the image burned into his eyelids. The sight of his best friend slumped over, dying in his own filth at the bottom of a phone booth.</p>
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<a name="section0046"><h2>46. Chapter 46</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer jerked his head up at the sound of his mother's voice.</p><p>"No! No! No!" She was screaming from her room down the hall, having another episode. Spencer sat up from his desk that he had fallen asleep at, his schoolwork sprawled across the surface and his pencil rolled slowly toward the edge of the desk at his movement. His fingers caught it as it tilted off the desk, placing it back into the binding of the open textbook.</p><p>His bare feet padded across his carpet, the soft material itching between his toes. He pushed his door open a little more, looking out into the hall. It was dark, all the lights off and making his own lamp cast his shadow across the hallway floor. He nudged his glasses further up his nose before taking a deep breath and stepping out of his room. The closer he got to his mother's room, the louder her yelling got, he couldn't quite make out what she was saying, the words blending together to form some kind of gibberish.</p><p>"Mom?" He said softly as he pushed the door to her room open, she stood in the center of her room, her bathrobe open and showing her dirty pajamas. Her hands were gripped tightly in her hair, tugging it harshly.</p><p>"Mom" Spencer repeated, his own voice cracking, whether it was for fear for his mom, or his puberty he wasn't sure and it really wasn't at the forefront of his mind right now.</p><p>"Mom, let's get to bed" He kept his voice calm, slowly raising his hand to reach for her. When his hand touched her elbow she spun toward him, finally facing and acknowledging him. Her eyes were crazed, the lids pulled wide enough that Spencer saw more white than the blue of her eyes. </p><p>"Let's get back to bed" He murmured, watching her eyes soften,</p><p>"Hey baby" she smiled, letting him guide her back to the bed. He pulled back the fluffy blankets, watching her take her robe off and hang it on the post at the foot of her bed, climbing in.</p><p>"Come here" She smiled again as he was pulling the blankets upon her, "let's read something" </p><p>"Ok" Spencer yawned, he should get to bed, he does have school tomorrow but, he would never pass up reading with his mom. He grabbed a book from the pile gathered on her bedside table, the white cover held a tree trunk across the top, above the words East of Eden written under it.</p><p>"Good choice" Diana smiles again, moving her arm so her son could curl up to her side, his glasses becoming skewed as he adjusted himself. He fixed them before relaxing into her embrace, his own eyes landing on the now open book. His mother's voice started, the soft sound filling the room and lulling Spencer into what he could only explain as the feeling of yellow in his chest.</p>
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<a name="section0047"><h2>47. Chapter 47</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The switch happened that evening, Hotch replacing Emily in waiting for any news. He had already assigned the team their roles, so he felt confident enough to step out for a bit. Once Emily left Hotch got comfortable, he sipped on a cup of coffee until a nurse finally came to the waiting room door. He had just finished the last drop of coffee when she appeared and his eyebrows rose in surprise. He lowered the cup and stood up,</p><p>"Mr. Hotchner?" Her voice was full and it almost surprised the agent that such a strong voice can come from such a small woman.</p><p>"Yes" He walked toward her, "Is this about my agent?"</p><p>"You requested to go in and see him? I'm here to escort you"</p><p>"Thank you," Hotch says, dumping the empty cup in the trash can by the door. He followed her down the hall, they took several turns before stopping in front of a room.</p><p>"Visiting hours end at 6, I'll have to ask you to leave then" She smiles a little at the other man, nodding her head at the door for him to go in. When Hotch entered his breath caught in his throat and he was glad he was alone, well beside Reid but he wasn't aware of his unit chief in the room. Instead, Reid's pale body almost matched the sheets of the hospital bed, his head tilted to accommodate the vent tubing in his mouth. The plastic pieces on the sides of his hollow cheeks keeping it in place. His chest was rising in a constant rhythm, the sighing and whirling from the machine and the beeping from the other machines being the only noise in the room.</p><p>Hotch walked closer, the soft thudding of his shoes on the linoleum grounding him. He sat down on the chair beside the bed, sighing as he took in Reid's appearance more. They couldn't protect him this time, they had to turn him in, that is if the higher-ups haven't already caught wind of this. They couldn't, they couldn't have an agent under the influence, but Reid could not exist without this job.</p><p>He put his head in his hands, letting out another sigh. He didn't know what to do, the team couldn't function without their resident genius, and he couldn't function without his team, but the FBI didn't care about that. They probably thought they could easily replace him with another agent, one not so problematic. The word felt sour in Hotchner's head, he imagined it would have stung his tongue had he said it out loud.</p><p>He checked his phone to see a message from Haley, asking how Reid was, he didn't answer, he didn't know. His eyes wandered over to the multiple machines around Reid, the colorful lines and numbers changing and fluctuating, keeping in sync with the beeping that filled the room. Hotch grabbed the remote from the bed, turning the small Tv on,</p><p>"Hope you don't mind" Hotch mutters, "what do you want to watch?" he glanced over at Reid, who still laid unresponsive, "I don't think they have any good documentaries on" He sighed looking back at the TV. It was playing some old cheesy Kung foo movie, guess it was gonna have to do.</p><p>Reid didn't move, at least not on his own, the nurses told Hotch that they had sedated him to try and keep him as comfortable as they could but that he should be waking up and hopefully off the vent soon. Soon as in tomorrow or the day after.</p><p>






When visitors' hours were over, Hotch wasn't even able to see the ending of the Kung foo movie, it was riveting and he was crushed, not really but the sarcastic tone in his head made his lips quirk slightly with a smile. He thanked the nurses on his way out, pulling his suit jacket back on as he walked out the automatic doors from the hospital to the hallway that led to the carpark.</p><p>The drive home was just as silent as last time, but not as panicked. Spencer was going to be ok, physically at least, and that was the first step. Everything else could be dealt with later. </p><p>It was going to have to be.</p><p>This time Haley wasn't waiting in the living room for Hotch, but when he climbed into bed she was quick to roll over, latching onto him.</p><p>"How is he?" She murmured, her voice groggy with sleep as she nuzzled into his chest. Hotch wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer as if that was possible.</p><p>"They think he can be taken off the vent tomorrow," He said into the darkness, his face staring at the ceiling that was layered with shadows from the street lights outside.</p><p>"That's good isn't it?"</p><p>"Yes" he whispered, it was good, it was good that his agent was alive, that he would be able to survive in his own body.</p><p>But what about his mind?</p><p>They don't know what triggered the relapse, they don't know what his intention was. Was it just the usual accidental overdose, when the junkie returns to their last dose after being clean. That dosage usually being the last time they've used, very high since they've built up a tolerance. The shock to the system resulting in OD.</p><p>Or was it more than that? Was this a suicide attempt?</p><p>The arm not under Haley came up and ran through his hair, as he let out a long sigh through his nose.</p><p>"He's going to be ok" Haley whispers, seemingly reading her husband's mind. She reaches up and presses a kiss to his jaw, before relaxing back down into his arms.</p><p>"He has to be" Hotchner whispers before finally letting his eyes slide shut.</p>
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<a name="section0048"><h2>48. Chapter 48</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"What are you going to cry?" The older kid sneered, looking down at Spencer who laid sprawled out on the floor after being pushed. His books had been scattered around the hallway, his glasses hanging from one ear. He brought a shaky hand up, getting them back onto his face. The boy's face came into clearer view, the three others walked closer circling Spencer. Spencer just wanted to go home. He was greatly outmatched, both by numbers, size, and age.</p><p>He just wanted to go home.</p><p>He hadn't realized he said that out loud until the other boys started repeating it in a mocking tone. He let his head sag forward for a second before using his arms to push him up.</p><p>" Where do you think you're going?"</p><p>"Home" Spencer muttered, he needed to get home, check on his mom.</p><p>"I didn't say you could leave" The first kid snapped, his foot coming forward and pressing down on his leg. Spencer stayed silent, his eyes focusing on the dirty shoe pushing into his khakis, it might leave a stain.</p><p>"What's going on here?" A loud voice boomed down the hall, a teacher had stepped out of his room, his hands holding papers, his eyes narrowed at the scene in front of him.</p><p>"Nothing Mr. Mason, we are just playing around, right?" The kid's eyes hardened its glare at Spencer, daring him to reject. Spencer stayed quiet.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>By the time Spencer walked through his front door, his clothes were askew, the sun had set, his lip swelled around a cut. Dried blood left stains on his upper lip and nose, luckily his glasses haven't taken any damage.</p><p>He stopped at his mother's door on his way to his own room, she was sitting in her bed, book in hand. When she realized someone was standing in her doorway she jumped up, the book falling to the floor.</p><p>"Who are you" her voice shook, her body stumbling back until it hit the wall.</p><p>"Mom-"</p><p>"Who are you!" She cuts him off, screaming.</p><p>"Mom please" He sighs, his shoulders slumping with the sudden heaviness that settled on them.</p><p>"Get out of my house!" she shrieks, her hands curling around the window sill behind her, whitening.</p><p>"Mom" He tried again, his voice reaching a whine. His body hurt, he was sore and dirty and just wanted his mom to hold him. Instead, she started to shake her head, her hands coming up to grip into her hair, tugging it.</p><p>"Ok" Spencer sighs, stepping out of the room and closing the door behind him. He would shower, change, then come back to check on her. He dragged his feet to his room, dumping his schoolbag onto his desk chair. He pulled his clothes off, pushing them into the cloth hamper before entering the bathroom. He gripped the knobs turning on the shower, the water pleated down onto the shower floor and the sound made his ears ring. While the water heated up he decided to look at himself in the mirror. His face twisting when seeing the bruising starting to form under his eyes and around his nose. The swelling of his lip was still full, making the bottom lip poke out like he was constantly pouting. When steam started to rise from behind the shower curtain he stepped in, the water sinking down his shoulders and wetting his hair.</p><p>He reached for the rag that hung in the shower, the particular material was starting to wear, he would have to get a new one soon. He put the soap on it, slowly moving the rag around his aching body. The suds flowed past his feet, gathering around the drain in a foamy mountain.</p><p>  Once he was cleaned and redressed into his pajamas he slowly crept back down the hall toward his mother's room. It was quiet, the light from her lamp lit up the crack under the door. He slowly pushed the door open, she had returned to her bed, book back in hand.</p><p>"Mom?" He asked, his voice hesitant and stiff.</p><p>"Hey, honey!" She smiles when she sees him, but it quickly fades into a frown. "What, what happened to your face?" She gestured for him to come into the room, he did.</p><p>"Nothing, I just fell" He murmured, his shoulders relaxing at the fact that she wasn't in an episode anymore.</p><p>"You gotta pay more attention to where you're going" She tuts, holding her arm out for him to climb into bed with her. He does, snuggling down into her soft comforter, his body curling into her side.</p><p>"What are you reading?" He asks, his voice getting heavy with exhaustion.</p><p>"Margery Kempt" she responds, her voice is soft and it starts to make the flicker of yellow grow in his chest. She picked up where she left off, her voice falling in rhythm with the words, each one making the feeling of yellow grow brighter in Spencer's chest.</p>
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<a name="section0049"><h2>49. Chapter 49</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The whole team sat in the waiting room once again, Garica on her laptop, the others with case files. The case was local, and they still were trying to get a profile on the unsub so they could do it in the waiting room. At least that is what they kept telling themselves. No one was going to not be there for Reid though, not when as they sat around their case files, he was having the ventilator pulled from him.</p><p>"Ok, so we know this unsub likes parks, so shouldn't we put out a warning about that?" JJ asked, sitting down on the arm of one of the chairs, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear.</p><p>"That could let him know we are onto him and he might bolt" Derek sighs, his head falling back and tapping against the wall.</p><p>"Ok, so, let's go over this again," Hotch starts, clapping his hands and standing up. He needed to keep the team focused and on track. </p><p>"Agents?" A voice made them all stop and turn, Hotchner recognized the voice before he saw her, it was the same nurse from the other day, her strong voice was hard to mistake.</p><p>"Yes?" Hotchner was closest to her, as the team was quick to build up behind him.</p><p>"We are about to remove the vent, I thought i'd let you know, and then someone will come get you when he's able to have visitors again."</p><p>"Thank you very much" Hotch smiles at her, nodding his head in thanks, the rest of the team seemed to shift, it was good news that the doctors thought he was strong enough to be off the vent, but then what?</p>
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<a name="section0050"><h2>50. Chapter 50</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer's footsteps sounded too loud in the empty hallway, he trips slightly over them. The anxiety in his chest made his sweaty hands grip the strap to his bag tighter. He got closer and finally reached the door to the office.</p><p>Jason Gideon</p><p>Was written in thick lettering on a plac, the solid wood seemed to tower over the gangly man. He took a deep breath then raised his knuckle and knocked.</p><p>"Come in!" The gruff voice on the other side was familiar, Spencer had been in Gideon's classes before, that's where the senior met the student and how they ended up making this meeting. Spencer pushed the door open, automatically ducking his head in a nervous habit when he entered the room.</p><p>"Spencer Reid?" The older man asked, standing up. He held his hand out to shake but Spencer waved briefly.</p><p>"Sorry, i uh-"</p><p>"It's alright, handshaking is overrated" Gideon smiled, trying to sooth the younger man.</p><p>"Actually, only about 5% of people wash their hands correctly. That means, 95% of the time you will be potentially exposed to all types of nasty germs including fecal matter and E. coli" Spencer trailed off, his face getting warm.</p><p>"Good to know" Gideon huffs a laugh, whipping his own hands on his jeans like that was going to clean off that information. Gideon sits back down and gestures for Reid to also sit.</p><p>"So why are you here?"</p><p>"Uh, im sorry" Spencer's chest started to beat faster, "i thought, I thought we had a meeting to discuss me joining the BAU"</p><p>"Yes, and why?"</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"Why do you want to join the BAU?"</p><p>"Uh-"</p><p>"How old are you?" Spencer was getting whiplash from all the jumping around Gideon was doing.</p><p>"21"</p><p>"Ok, 21, and you're smart, you could be doing anything, why do you want to be in the BAU?"</p><p>"I need to help people"</p><p>Gideon just smiles, and Spencer finds himself relaxing a little.</p><p>"You're in the academy right now?"</p><p>"Almost done," Spencer replies, twisting his bag strap in his hands. "Not doing so great on the physical exams" He huffs, heat crawling up his neck.</p><p>"That's ok, we can get those waived" Gideon says with a wave of his hand, as if it was really that easy.</p><p>"What?" Spencer felt his eyes widen, his waist bending slightly as he leaned forward. This couldn't be that easy, he had been stressing about how all of this could've been a waste just because he's not in the best physical shape.</p><p>"Yea, we've been keeping an eye on you, we need your brain"</p><p>"Thank you" He breathed, his chest constricted with a new anxiety, this was becoming more real.</p><p>"Can't wait to have you on the team Dr. Reid" Gideon smiles, the Dr. added to his name sends a shock through Reids system.</p><p>"You do have several doctorates correct? " Gideon smirks, noticing the change in Spencer's mood.</p><p>"Three, and three Bacherlors," Spencer says softly.</p><p>"Ok then" Gideon leans forward, "make sure people know that" Gideon winks at Spencer and the younger man doesn't know how to react to the motion. "You earned those, your brilliant, your allowed to show that off"</p><p>Spencer felt his lips curl into a smile, his chest twisting until the burning gave way to the feeling of yellow.</p><p>He could do this, this would work.</p>
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<a name="section0051"><h2>51. Chapter 51</h2></a>
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    <p>The team was allowed to enter the room that contained spencer. The nurses had explained that Spencer was now off the vent but wasn't waking up as easily as they hoped. They filed in a single line and tried to muffle their gasps of surprise. </p><p>Hotch was the only one who had seen Reid so far, so he had forgotten to warn the team to prepare. Reid laid still, the skin around his mouth red and inflamed from the vent. His mouth was chapped and hung slightly open, making his cheeks look more hollow than usual. His hair was shaggy and greasy, the strains sticking to his forehead. </p><p>They all settled into the room, Hotch and Gideon leaning against the wall at the end of the bed. Morgan and JJ sitting down on either side of the bed while Emily claimed the last chair that sat between JJ and the men against the wall. Morgan made sure he was out of the nurses way as she tried again to get a response from Reid.</p>
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<a name="section0052"><h2>52. Chapter 52</h2></a>
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    <p>When Spencer stepped into the bullpen for the first time, his shirt was starting to stick to his skin with sweat. He pulled his bag tighter to him, rubbing his fingers against the leather strap to ground him. He saw multiple people hunched over their desks, the soft murmur of noise making his ears twitch. The walls were a pale blue and bathed in the sunlight coming in from the many floor to ceiling rectangle windows.</p><p>"Dr!" Reid jerked at the noise, Gideon was coming down the set of stairs to Spencers right. Another man was behind him, his face stren and framed under dark hair.</p><p>"Hotch, this is Dr. Reid"</p><p>"Hello" The new man, who Spencer knew from studying up on the team beforehand, held his hand out. Spencer tightened his grip on his bag and was about to open his mouth to info dump as to why he wouldn't be shaking his superior's hand, but Gideon beat him to it.</p><p>"Nah," Gideon said, reaching over and pushing Hotchner's hand down. Spencer nodded a little in thanks, then directed his attention back to Hotchner.</p><p>"Well, everyone is in the round room, lets go introduce you" Hotchner smiles, guestering for the other two men to follow him. They walked up another set of stairs opposite of the one the two men came down before, and walked across a cat walk of sorts until they reached another door. The door was opened, and Spencer could see people sitting around the table. There sat a woman with dark hair, and a dark man.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"This is Agent Morgan and Greenaway," Hotch says as the trio enters, the other two turned to look.</p><p>"This is agent Reid"</p><p>"Dr Reid" Gideon corrects, Hotch shakes his head a little before correcting himself,</p><p>"Im sorry, Dr. Reid"</p><p>"Hey kid" the dark man stands up, jerking his head in greeting, Spencer returns a nervous smile.</p><p>"Hi!" The woman stands up smiling at the newcomer. Spencer returns it.</p><p>"Ok" Hotch claps his hands, "let's get started" He steps closer to the table, Gideon gestured to an empty seat for Reid to take, which he does.</p><p>Then they just dove right into the case.</p><p>"He's thinking of these attacks as dates, that the woman wanted it" Spencer blurts out a few minutes into reviewing the case. The others look at him and it makes his skin too tight, the fabric of his shirt burning his shoulders and wrists.</p><p>"He's right" The dark man, Morgan, responds, flipping through some pages before pointing out another thing in the file.</p><p>"The unsub is seeing these women as consensual dates. He treats them almost with respect"</p><p>"Minus the raping and killing part" Greenaway mutters, which earns a few huffs and agreements. </p><p>"Well yea" Morgan scoffs, he nudges Spencer in the side, "good job kid" Morgan smiles brightly, the contrast between his white teeth and dark lips was shocking. Spencer tried to ignore the crawling spreading out from the point of impact from morgan to across his side and back and up his chest, instead focusing on the flick of yellow in his chest.</p><p>He may have just found where he belongs.</p>
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<a name="section0053"><h2>53. Chapter 53</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All Spencer felt was pain, a searing burning fire in his chest and crawling up his throat. His mouth had to be filled with sand, there was no other reason for it to feel the way it did. He tried to move but everything was too hard, the raft he was laying on wouldn't stop swaying and his fingers were too stiff to get a good grip on it.</p><p>With every exhale his chest seemed to cave in more, his sternum getting closer to his spinal cord. His lips twitched and the stinging alerted him that they were cracked and dry.</p><p>Where was he? Did he die? Was this hell? It certainly wasn't heaven.</p><p>His breath caught in his throat and his body convulsed with coughs, his ribs curling inward, his knees jerking toward his chest. The movement made the muscles pull from his bones, the fire crawling between the muscle fibers, searing into the bones. A scream built up in his vocal box, his diaphragm contracting and sending shock waves through his system. He felt his face contort, and he felt the scream release, but all he heard was hardly a whimper. A heavy push of air with a hint of a whine. Definitely not what he felt needed to be released. He needed it to stop, the fire had spread and he could feel the curve of his rib cage, the way the bones cradled his cotton stuffed lungs. The cotton had subsided slightly, allowing some more air to come into his lungs, but they still fluffed at the base of his lungs, making them feel thick and heavy.</p><p> </p><p>"Spencer?" An unfamiliar voice rung in his ears, reverberating in his skull and making the fire shoot up his spine, billowing out into his head.</p><p>"Spencer, can you hear me?" He wanted her to shut up, he wanted his mom. He wanted his mom to be better and for her to hold him and smooth away all the heat that pulled at his fibers. He needed to help his mom, he needed to get home so he could check on her. He couldn't leave her alone for too long, she gets confused. His stream of thought was interrupted again by another voice. This one he recognized,</p><p>"Reid?" Morgan's voice sounded yellow, it made the fire in his skull dampen a little, glow more yellow around the edges instead of burgundy.</p><p>"Kid? Can you hear us?"</p><p>Spencer wanted to shout yes, he wanted to jump to his feet and scream at the top of his lungs. Instead he could hardly move his body, willingly at least. He let out a small moan, the effort costing him some of his grip on reality.</p><p>"That's good, that's good, everyones here" Morgan's voice sounded underwater. Everyone was there.</p><p>Everyone saw him, everyone could see just how badly he fucked up this time.</p><p> </p><p>Wait where was here?</p><p>It had to be a hospital right? Because why else would everyone be there? They would all be at the, where was he?</p><p>The phone booth.</p><p>He couldn't still be at the phone booth, it wasn't that cold.</p><p>He couldn't concentrate, his mind jumping from thought to thought.</p><p>Where was he?</p><p>Who was with him?</p><p>Morgan.</p><p>Why, why wasnt, why weren't.</p><p>He couldn't even concentrate enough to form a question.</p><p>He let out a frustrated groan, his hands coming up, stiff fingers curling around strains of greasy hair.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, hey kid" Reid felt a warm hand wrap around his wrist.</p><p>Tobias's hand, its nails digging into his soft flesh, Reid could feel Tobias smiling at the blood that peaked through his skin.</p><p>"Reid!" Morgan's voice made Spencer snap back to reality. This time his eyes shot open, the lighting around him made them water. His eyes burned as they tried to focus, everything forming in blurry shapes. His hands jerked to his stomach, wrenching it out of tobias's grip and tightening around his torso.</p><p>"Reid"</p><p>"Spence"</p><p>Hotchner and JJ's voice broke through to his eardrums, making Spencer still. He couldn't be with Tobias if his friends were here, but where was here. He closed his eyes, rubbing them with his fists until sparks flashed. When he pulled them away, he blinked a few times, this time the room became slightly more infocus. Still blurry and not great, but better than before.</p><p>"W-wh" He couldn't even croak out one word, the fire flaring in his throat burned so harshly that tears came to his eyes.</p><p>"You're in the hospital," Hotchner said, his calm voice fighting against the jackhammering in Reid's chest. "You overdosed, called morgan, and we rushed you here, you've been unconscious for three days now."</p><p> </p><p>The yellow has completely disappeared, instead Spencer felt an anxiety so strong that his frame started to shake.</p><p>"Reid?"</p><p>If all that happened, if they for sure knew, everyone knew.</p><p>He was going to get kicked out of the FBI, he was going to lose everything. Spencer couldn't breathe, the cotton had fluffed up, his chest constricting and not letting any of it expand.</p><p>He, he royally fucked up.</p><p>His hands came back up to curl into his hair, his body collapsing into himself. He crumpled forward, his forehead coming to rest on his bent knees that were pulled close to his chest.</p><p>He wasn't strong enough, he wasn't, he couldn't.</p><p>He heard a whimper leave his burning lips, he needed some water.</p><p> </p><p>"Spence" JJ's voice sent a shiver down Spencer's spine, reminding him once again that everyone was there. He felt someone touch his back and he cringed away from it, the hand felt like it had razor blades for finger tips. His wrists started to burn, the cold and hard cuffs holding them down, biting into his skin.</p><p>"N-no" He moaned, again the fire flaring in his throat. His eyes opened a little but he could hardly see anything in the dim bulb's light. The swaying motion made him ill. His stomach rolled, pushed against the bottom of his cotton filled lungs. He couldn't tell what his body was trying to do, the hyperventilating became more noticeable when the wheezing became louder, air desperately trying to climb its way in and out of his lungs, clawing at the walls of tissue, making them bleed.</p><p>"Reid you need to calm down" This time it was Emily's voice. Spencer went to open his eyes but instead they rolled back into his head, he slumped back, his body following suit to curl as small as he could get. He couldn't lift his body anymore, strength leaving with each gasp for air.</p><p>"We need to let him rest" It was Gideon's voice, followed by multiple footsteps retreating.</p><p>Reid tried to yell out, to reach out and grab someone, to beg not to be left alone and to get some damn water, but he couldn't move.</p>
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<a name="section0054"><h2>54. Chapter 54</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey guys!!im so sorry that my updates are so spaced out, but I want to really put effort into this story, to provide you with a good chapter instead of just cranking something out just to update. im in college rn, actually finishing up on my BA so you can imagine how stressed and busy I am. im only saying this bc I want you guys to know that even if I haven't touched WMTTD I haven't forgotten about it, im just probably drowning in school and work atm. although your comments and kudos do help motivate me to try and find more time to write. I love hearing how much you guys love this story, and I appreciate your kinds words so so much.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Spencer came too again, he was alone.</p><p>Or at least he thought he was until he let out a groan and Morgan leaned into his line of vision.</p><p>"Water?" the other man asked, holding out a cup of water, a straw bent forward for Spencer to use. Spencer nodded, reaching his chin forward and smacking his lips a few times.</p><p>God he was so thirsty.</p><p>When he took a sip his eyes started to water, the cold water was a shock to the fire in his throat. It felt so good even though it hurt. He took a few more small sips before Morgan took the water away.</p><p>"Ok, I know you have questions, and it hurts to talk, the nurses said they had a rough time taking the vent out." Morgan noticed Spencer's eyes widen, "they had to vent you, you had OD'd and damaged your lungs, luckily they think you'll be fine now" Morgan paused, letting Spencer process the information.</p><p>"Now, Hotch is trying to figure out what our next steps are, the higher ups have caught wind in this-" Morgan noticed Spencers breath hitched, "but kid, we aren't going to stop fighting for you, we are going to get you help, your going to get better, and then get you back up to fighting shape. You were able to recover before, this time, but this time will be better because we all can help you." Morgan reached forward and put his hand on Spencer's knee.</p><p>" This doesn't need to be the end, you're not a failure, you can come back from this" Morgan's voice was steady and calm and it made Spencer only circle the edges of another panic attack, not quite dipping into it. It was almost as if Derek could read his mind, saying exactly what Spencer was thinking. It was almost unnerving. If this wasn't from Morgan, Spencer's skin would have been prickling uncomfortably, but since it came out of Morgan's mouth, it's almost as if the words were shrouded in, yellow.</p><p>The rest of the day consisted of tests, blood draws, painted whimpering from the young Doctor.</p><p>He hated hospitals, he hated that whenever his anxiety rose, he felt the chilled cuffs from the shack tightening around his wrists. He hated the harsh lighting and how it burned his eyes and made them water.</p><p>But what he hated most was the heavy weight of shame that settled in his tight chest.</p><p>The team reassured him that everything was going to be ok, that they would help him. But he still saw the shift in their eyes, How hurt and disgusted they were with him. He had let a disease control him, he had let himself give into a damn hallucation and back track majorly on all the progress he had made. He was so close to getting out, and now look where he was.</p><p>He hadn't mentioned the hallucinations, Morgan and Hotch suspected but they didn't know just how bad they where, how badly he needed to get away form them for a little bit.</p><p>He didn't mean to OD, he didn't mean for it to get this out of hand. His fists curled in frustration, why him? Why was he stupid enough to go alone in to that corn field. Why was he so weak that he was able to be easily taken and abused by tobais. Why did Tobais have to follow him out of that graveyard and into his peripheral vision, settling into the tunnels of his ears, the other man's sour breath permanently staining the back of Spencer's neck.</p><p>If only he couldve fought back, if only he wasnt so stupid as to split up from JJ, if only he could fire a damn gun and actually hit his target.</p><p>If only, if only, Spencer could send years thinking in circles, and his team had noticed his brooding and had started to work him out of it.</p><p>"Spence, I brought your chess board, do you want to play?" JJ had sat down on the chair next to the bed, pulling up a bag he recognized as his. She unzipped it and Spencer saw the edge of the board peaking out. He shrugged, couldn't care if he did or didn't play.</p><p>"Lets play" Gideon says, stepping forward and taking the board from JJ, he sets it up on the table that was wheeled over Reids lap before sitting down.</p><p> </p><p>The two fell into a familiar silence, Spencer's hand coming up to push his fingernail against his lips as he thought. The rest of the team stepped out, following Hotch as he mentioned they needed to get some work done.</p><p>"Remember, think several steps ahead" Gideon muttered almost absentmindedly, "outside of the box" he watched Reid nod, the movement hardly noticeable unless you were looking for it. The two focused on the game, the soft clicking of the pieces on the board sounded with the beeping form the machines hooked up to Reid.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey guys!!im so sorry that my updates are so spaced out, but I want to really put effort into this story, to provide you with a good chapter instead of just cranking something out just to update. im in college rn, actually finishing up on my BA so you can imagine how stressed and busy I am. im only saying this bc I want you guys to know that even if I haven't touched WMTTD I haven't forgotten about it, im just probably drowning in school and work atm. although your comments and kudos do help motivate me to try and find more time to write. I love hearing how much you guys love this story, and I appreciate your kinds words so so much.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0055"><h2>55. Chapter 55</h2></a>
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    <p>"We have a program here" The nurse was standing at the foot of Spencer's bed, Who sat on the side, his legs swinging over and tapping his feet on the floor. Hotch and Gideon stood on the other side of the bed, their backs to the window.</p><p>"We already have a program," Hotchner said, his voice hitting Reids hunched shoulders and leaving welts.</p><p>"Ok" The nurse writes something down on her clipboard. "We are going to have to keep him overnight for observations" She smiles a little at the men, like that would make everything better.</p><p>Reids fingers twitched, the itching had wrapped its hands around his neck, but he didn't want to alert his superiors. His skin wouldn't stop prickling and every noise he heard made his ears ring.</p><p>"And if hes good he can go home tomorrow?" Gideon asked, his voice sounded exhausted and Reid was terrified to turn around and look at the other man, scared of seeing that look of disappointment and defeat that seemed to veil the team's eyes everytime they looked at Spencer.</p><p>"Yes, if he deems well enough to go home we will discharge him"</p><p>Spencer was glad they were doing all the talking because it seems like no matter how much he drinks, or that he has a saline drip in his IV, his mouth remained filled with sand. His tongue sticking to his teeth and making him cringe. His eyes bore into the tile floor between the doctor and Spencer's own feet, his eyelid twitching slightly around its corner.</p><p>After that conversation was over, Reid found himself settled into the oversized chair, a tray in front of him with his lunch.</p><p>Hotch and Gideon left to go back to the office, but JJ sat on the bed silently flipping through a magazine. They didn't talk, Spencer focusing on getting the food on his fork. Then getting it to his mouth. How many times he has to chew it before it becomes mush, and then forcing himself to swallow.</p><p>The food settling in the pit of his stomach felt heavy and made him squirm.</p><p>Once he ate as much as he could he pushed the tray away, making JJ look up at the nosie.</p><p>"Want your book? " she asked, already getting up to get it before Spencer could respond. "Lets get you back in bed too" she says softly, holding out her hand for Reid if he needed it. With JJ's help they got him back into the hospital bed, his fingers curling around the pages of the book propped in his lap. She took the chair, and again they fell into silence, both in their own little world.</p>
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<a name="section0056"><h2>56. Chapter 56</h2></a>
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    <p>The following morning Spencer was tying up his converses and stood up on slightly shaky legs. He didn't feel 100% but he needed to get out of there. Morgan stood by the door, his arms crossed as he leaned against the door frame, watching Reid finish up getting ready.</p><p>"Ok, let's go pretty boy" He smiles, clapping Reids shoulder as he walks past. Reid noticed that his smile was strained though, and his hand was a lot gentler than usual, not putting much force behind the clap. The duo walked through the hospital, Spencer squinting under the harsh lights. When they finally reached Derek's car, Spencer slid into the passenger seat easily, his long body curling into the soft worn leather. The car started with a rumble, Spencer's bag was already in the trunk. The ride back to Morgan's house was quiet, the radio playing music at a low volume.</p><p>Pulling into the driveway, spencer clenched his jaw, taking in a long inhale as the car was shut off. Once it was silent, before Morgan could move to leave, Spencer opened his mouth.</p><p>"I'm sorry" he whispers, his hand coming up to quickly wipe away the tears trying to run down his face.</p><p>"Hey" Morgan moved from the door, turning his body so he faced the younger man more. "Hey, kid, it's ok. Things like this happen. I wish you would have called me sooner for help, but you did end up calling me right?" Morgan paused, waiting for Spencer to respond, which he did with a small nod. "That means, you want to get better. You could've tried to just hide this, but you didn't, he reached out."</p><p>"Because- because" Spencer was having a hard time talking, the lump in his throat getting in the way as it grew. He had only called because he didn't want to die.</p><p>"Lets go inside" Derek says softly, opening his door and stepping out after glancing at Reid one more time. The younger man followed suit, his shoulders hunching against the sun and his hands coming to fiddle with the strap of his bag once Morgan had handed it to him.</p><p>The smell of Morgan's house made Spencer's shoulders relax immediately. The two kick off their shoes at the door and walk further into the house.</p><p>"You hungry?" Derek asked, already heading toward the kitchen. Spencer shrugged a little grunt leaving his lips as he slumped down into the couch, his hands grabbing the blanket off the back of it and draping it over himself. He pulled his knees to his chest, falling over onto his side so his face pushed into the cushion, the blanket covering him. He felt terrible, his whole body aching and throbbing. He could feel the blood rushing through his veins, pushing against his pale skin. His hands curled into the soft fabric of the blanket, pushing it to his nose as he tried to breathe evenly, his stomach lurching.</p><p>He knew what to expect, and the hospital had given him some medications to help alleviate some of the symptoms but he refused to take any once they left the hospital.</p><p>He deserved this.</p><p>He heard Morgan walk back in, opening his eyes just enough to see his friend set a glass of water on the coffee table.</p><p>"Do you think you could handle a movie?"</p><p>Spencer doesn't react. He's afraid if he moves the couch will launch him off, right now he could maybe tolerate the swaying.</p><p>"Ok, well, let me know if I need to turn it off, are you sure you're good there? Your bed is still made up upstairs."</p><p>Spencer grunted, but other than that, he didn't acknowledge anything Morgan said. Morgan kept the volume on the tv low, his eyes frequently glancing back at the lump on his couch. His own feet kicked up on the chair that he pushed back so he could lay down more.</p><p>Hotch was coming over the next evening, same with Gideon, the four were going to come up with a solid game plan, this time, making sure Ried is watched 24/7. This time he was going to be under more of a lockdown, they couldn't mess up again. Hotchner and Gideon were almost ashamed of what they had to do to keep the young doctor on the team. After a few episodes of the paranormal show that Derek ended up watching he got up to start a meal. It was too late for lunch but too early for dinner, but the man's rumbling stomach didn't seem to care.</p><p>He whipped up some spaghetti, walking back over to the couch to couch in front of the pile of blankets.</p><p>"You want to try some food?" He asked softly, not sure if Reid was even awake. When he got no response he stood back up, "well I'll leave a bowl for you, just let me know when you want it and i'll get it ok kid?" Again no response. Morgan went to make his own bowl, preparing one for Reid as well before packing the rest up in a tupperware container and placing it in the fridge. He went back into the living room, food in hand and plops back down into his chair. He kicks his feet back up, turning the volume up on the tv just a little bit, trying not to disturb Spencer but he wanted to hear it.</p>
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<a name="section0057"><h2>57. Chapter 57</h2></a>
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    <p>Spencer said up with a jerk, his lips parting as he let out a strangled cry. The room was dark, the smell of burning fish assaulted Reid's senses. Morgan was quick to jump out of the chair where he had fallen asleep, quickly crouching in front of the dark form that sat shaking in the darkness. </p>
<p>"Reid, Reid" Derek tried to keep his voice calm, he felt the young doctor reach out, patting around his arms and shoulders until they came to rest on his forearms.</p>
<p>"M-Morgan" Spencer's voice was small, choked with terror.</p>
<p>"Yea kid I'm right here, it was just a dream. Your safe now"</p>
<p>"You're safe now," Spencer repeated in a whisper, saying it several more times like he was struggling to believe it.</p>
<p>"Sorry" he cleared his throat.</p>
<p>"You got nothing to be sorry about. Come on let's go upstairs to bed" Derek stands up, keeping his hand touching Spencer's, moving up his arm before resting on his shoulder. Spencer reached up and held his own hand on top of Morgan's, the palm clammy and shaking.</p>
<p>Once both men were standing Morgan draped his arm over Spencer's shoulders. Guiding them both through the darkness to the stairs. Derek didn't really need the light, he knew the house well enough to maneuver in the dark. Spencer on the other hand, well he didn't appreciate the dark to begin with, and even though he would like to think he knows Morgan's house, especially after basically moving in with him. He still kept stumbling over his feet and pressing himself closer to Morgan. He needed that comfort, to feel the other man's firm body next to him. Morgan could help him, keep him away from the monsters that scratched at him from the dark. Away from the floor that his face so desperately seemed to want to meet. And could get him out of those horrid nightmares.</p>
<p>When they reached the landing Spencer paused. He didn't really want to sleep alone. But he also felt like Morgan had done more than enough for him, the least Reid can do is let the clearly exhausted man sleep. Morgan had gotten them moving again, but instead of walking to the guest room he led both of them into his room.</p>
<p>"Morgan-" Reid went to correct him but Derek cut him off,</p>
<p>"Nah, you're going through withdrawal again and I remember the last time. You're gonna have worse nightmares and fevers and stuff. I'm keeping you close this time" spencer could faintly see the other man's white teeth flash out as Morgan tried to make his statement sound humorous, but spencer couldn't help but hang his head in shame.</p>
<p>He had fucked up so badly he couldn't even be trusted to sleep on his own anymore.</p>
<p>Unfortunately Derek was correct. The older man was woken up by whimpering coming from the body beside him. When he sat up he whispered Reid's name, the younger didn't seem to hear him. Morgan reached out and before he even placed his hand on Spencer's forehead he could feel the heat radiating off him. Morgan was quick to his feet hurrying to his bathroom and grabbing a rag out of the drawer. He ran the tap and drenched the rag in cold water. After ringing it out he grabbed the thermometer from his drawer and rushed back to Reid who laid shivering and sweat soaked. He turned on the bedside light, noticing Spencer flinch away from it. He stuck the thermometer in Spencer's mouth, using his hand to keep it still while the younger man's head started thrashing back and forth. The meter beeped and Morgan pulled it back to check it, 102.8. He placed the rag across reids forehead, SPencer let out a louder cry, his hand coming up to remove it.</p>
<p>"No, no no, leave it there kid." Morgan said gently, pushing Reids hand away, it limpy fell back onto the bed, fingers twisting in the sheets. Derek placed the thermometer on the bedside table, he grabbed the blankets and pulled them away from Reid, who had drenched them in sweat. Spencer curled his body into as much of a ball as he could, his lips parting to let louder whines out. Morgan quickly left the room, jumping down the stairs several at a time. He rushed to the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of acetaminophen and running back upstairs.</p>
<p>Spencer had discarded the rag, it laid on Morgan's side of the bed.</p>
<p>"Thanks" Derek sighs knowing that now his bed was wet. He forced some of the medication down Reids throat, the doctor wasn't going to make this easy. Once he figured he had enough, it was hard to tell since Reid wouldn't stay still so some medication had gotten all over his face and the pillow beneath him.</p>
<p>Morgan leaned over Reids thrashing body, grabbing the wet rag from the other side of the bed and bringing it back over. He used it to wipe down Spencer's face. Then grabbed the pillow and left the room. He threw the rag and the pillowcase into his washer machine before grabbing a new case and putting it on the pillow. He hurried back upstairs, by the time he got to the landing he heard a thud. His legs coiled and he shot into the room, not seeing Reid on the bed, he hurried around it. He saw a hand disappear under the bed, Derek was quick to toss the pillow on the bed and crouch down so he could see under it.</p>
<p>"Spencer?" He asked slowly, not sure what frame of mind the kid was in.</p>
<p>"He's coming back!" Was the reply, Spencer's voice hushed, strained. Morgan crouched down lower, laying his over cheek against the chilled wooden floor.</p>
<p>"Reid, Reid, look at me."</p>
<p>Reid tilted his head so his eyes looked out beneath his hair, they were wide, wild, the pupils dilated and crazed.</p>
<p>"Hankle isn't coming, he's dead. Your safe here, your in my house, your going through withdrawal right now so everything is going to be hard, but I promise you, hey-"</p>
<p>Reid had looked away, tucking his head close to his chest and bringing his arms up, curling his hands in his hair.</p>
<p>"Kid, look at me."</p>
<p>Spencer didn't move. Morgan sighed, trying to keep it quiet, he didn't want Spencer thinking he was mad at him.</p>
<p>They spent a few minutes like that, eventually Morgan had to sit up, his body getting sore. He instead leaned against the wall, setting his arms on his knees and wringing his hands together a few times.</p>
<p>He was just about to fall asleep when he heard Reid whimmer.</p>
<p>"No" He moaned, Morgan saw movement under the bed and saw a thin hand reach out.</p>
<p>"Reid?" Morgan asked, slowly moving so he could touch his hand if reid allowed it.</p>
<p>"Make it stop," Reid moaned again, this time his own hand grabbed a hold of Morgan's wrist.</p>
<p>"Make what stop kid?"</p>
<p>"Smell" The word sounded thick, like Spencer was trying not to throw up. Before Morgan could do anything Spencer had shot out from under the bed, he barreled into the older man sending them both falling back.</p>
<p>"Woah!" Morgan yelped, his own hands coming up and wrapping around Reid to stabilize them. Reid was pushing his nose into Morgan's shoulder with such force it actually hurt Morgan, he couldn't imagine how much it would hurt Reid.</p>
<p>"Kid, kid" He murmured, trying to figure out what was wrong.</p>
<p>Meanwhile Spencer was shoving his nose into Morgan's shoulder, inhaling so deeply that the fabric of his shirt was going up his nostrils a little. He could faintly smell morgan under the stench of burning fish. He pushed in harder, he needed to focus on Morgan, not the shack.</p>
<p>Focus on morgan.</p>
<p>Focus on morgan.</p>
<p>Focus on morgan.</p>
<p>He must've been saying it out loud because Morgan had frozen, before his hand slowly came up to tangle in Reid's hair. He tried not to react to how hot Spencer's scalp was, the heat coming from his body was uncomfortable being pushed up against Morgans.</p>
<p>"Your ok kid" He murmurs, his own torso slowly rocking back and forth by habit, to try and comfort the young doctor.</p>
<p>Eventually Reid started to lighten the pressure he was applying, the smell of Morgan finally seeping through the burning fish. Once he was able to not smell it anymore he pulled away, scrambling out of Morgan's hold.</p>
<p>" 'm-sorry" He mumbled, his face tilted toward the floor.</p>
<p>"You're ok, you don't need to apologize." The two sat with their legs tangled, Spencer hugged himself, while Morgan started to stand up. "Let's get you back into bed" He reached down and waited for Reid to make the first move, his clammy and trembling hand coming up to weakly grip Derek's.</p>
<p>The two climbed back into bed, Morgan keeping the comforter away from SPencer who pouted at the movement.</p>
<p>"Sheet" morgan said, pulling it up so spencer could use it, "you still got a fever, I can feel it from here"</p>
<p>Spencer curled his fists into the thin sheets, pulling it up to his chin and rolling over to his side. As soon as his head hit the pillow he was asleep. Morgan laid there a few seconds before getting up to turn off the light, making sure the hallway light was still on and spilled into the room through the cracked door. Once he got settled though Reid jerked up, making Morgan jump.</p>
<p>"No!" Spencer yelled, his body jerking to the side, throwing him off the bed, again.</p>
<p>"Reid!" Morgan was quick to wrap his arms around Spencer and make the younger man look at him. Spencer's eyes where darting around the room but by the time they settled on Morgans, his breathing had calmed down a bit. </p>
<p>The two had a restless night, constantly being woken up by Spencers nightmares and flashbacks, but eventually they fell asleep for a period of time, the sky just starting to lighten a tad bit, the stars getting dimmer as the two men finally drifted off for more than thirty minutes.</p>
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<a name="section0058"><h2>58. Chapter 58</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"What are you doing here sweetness?" Morgan asked, his voice croaking in his sore throat and his tired eyebrow quirked up in question.</p><p>"We are all here chocolate thunder, we gotta help boy wonder!" Garcia said as she pushed past the man, her arms full of postarboards and Morgan could see glitter falling onto the floor behind her. Great. By the time she reached the kitchen table Morgan heard more voice's, he turned and saw the rest of the team coming up his drive. All wearing normal clothes, which was still a thing Morgan couldn't get over, seeing Hotchner look like a normal person, not the strict unit chief. They all smiled and said their hellos while they filed in, all making themselves comfortable around Morgan's table.</p><p>"Where's spence?" JJ asked, looking up from the craft show Garicia was setting up on the table to look between Morgan and the stairs.</p><p>"I'll go get him" Morgan sighs, turning on his heels and heading back upstairs. They were preparing for two people, which is scary enough, not the whole team.</p><p>Spencer was still curled up in the bed, he refused to get up earlier when morgan went to go eat breakfast.</p><p>"Kid" Morgan said softly, squatting down so he was eye level with the doctor. "Are you ready?"</p><p>No response.</p><p>"Now, I know we thought it was just going to be Hotch and Gideon, but you know how much we love you, turns out everyone came."</p><p>The only sign Spencer heard him was the sharp inhale of breath.</p><p>"We don't have to go down right now, we can wait a minute, let you get ready. But we are all here because we love you man, we aren't here to judge you, you aren't going to be in trouble. We want to help." He stopped talking, waiting for Reid to react.</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>"Lets, lets try to sit up huh?" He asked, slowly reaching out and setting his hand on the edge of the bed. "Please pretty boy?" He was almost whining, which he usually would be ashamed of, but he needed Spencer to get up. This seemed to work though, slowly the blanket uncurled, Spencer pulling himself up into the sitting position. The bags under his eyes were dark, clashing with his pale and clammy skin. His hollow cheeks made Morgan want to shove a burger down Spencer's throat.</p><p>"Hurts" Spencer coraked, his voice rough and dragging against his throat.</p><p>"I know '' Morgan frowned, having already seen this happen months before, he knew Spencer had to be feeling like absolute garbage. He tried not to react when he felt Spencer's hand wrap into his, the thin fingers were cold, and kept applying pressure in random places before relaxing. </p><p>"Want to change your clothes?" Morgan asked, looking down at the wrinkly sweatpants and tshirt that hung off the young man. He knew Spencer always tried to look his best, he's pretty sure he was the only one who has seen him look like this.</p><p>Spencer shook his head, but a shiver made him tighten his grip on Morgan's hand.</p><p>"Want a sweatshirt?"</p><p>Spencer nodded.</p><p>"Ok, hold on" Morgan had to twist his hand out of Spencer's grip, the young man was staring at nothing infront of him, his eyes unfocused, and he didn't seem to want to let go of Morgan's hand anytime soon. Once he got free he quickly went to his closet, pulling out his warmest and coziest hoodie, and old FBI one he got in the academy. He handed it to Spencer but the young man did not react.</p><p>"Come on, pretty boy," Morgan murmured, guiding Spencer into the hoodie, trying to ignore the wincing on Spencer's face from every movement. Once Reid was covered, he curled his hands up to his chest, his fingers rubbing the fabric between them.</p><p>"Lets go" morgan lightly gripped Spencer's elbow, helping him stand up. He stood up on shaky legs, "here, let me help you, and if you want you can walk on your own once we get down stairs." </p><p>Spencer nodded, his body slumping into morgans, whose arm quickly came around to hold spencer up. The duo slowly maneuvered down the stairs, once they got to the bottom, where everyone would be able to see them, Morgan felt Spencer lean away, his face screwed up in concentration as he slowly walked to the closest chair.</p><p>The room was thick, everyone was silent, trying not to let Spencer know they were all looking at him with worry.</p><p>But he knew.</p><p>Thankfully Garcia jumped right in,</p><p>"Hey boy wonder! Look! I made a nice chart and schedule, so we can all do something to help and we all know what's going on!" she proudly held up a poster board, splashes of glitter catching the light and making Spencer look away. But his small glances showed him the colored paper all separated and explaining, in detail, what everyone will do at all the times they will do it.</p><p>She had when he had AA, who would drive him, therapy, who would drive him. The order in which they would stay home with him if they were called away on a case until he was cleared to be back in the field. Who he would basically be living with in order to give Morgan some breaks.</p><p>When he could go back to the office, if he healed on track.</p><p>"The timeline is just an outline, I know you like schedules and plans so I tried to do research and figure out on average how long it takes for people to recover, and how it could fit in with everyone's craziness, and i hope it doesn't pressure you, because you are going to heal at your own pace, you could be faster or slower than this and that's perfectly fine. And-"</p><p>"Garcia" Hotchner cut her off with a gentle smile, "thank you". The blonde smiled while letting out a shaky breath before sitting down in her seat.</p><p>"Before you say anything, no you're not bothering us. We are going to help you, because we love you" JJ said, walking over to Spencer and putting a hand on his shoulder. His body seemed to slump under the weight, he was exhausted, mentally and psychically. He could feel his veins pulsing under his skin, each fiber of muscle felt like it was twisting the wrong way. Logically he knew he couldn't really feel these things, but logic goes out the window in times like these.</p><p>"You're not alone this time," Gideon said softly from his seat.</p><p>Spencer took in a deep inhale, slowly moving his eyes from one person to the next, the color yellow growing with each person he looks at.</p><p>He could do this.</p><p>He would have his family by his side, and with them, he could walk through the dark.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And there we go! this is actually the first book I've ever written and finished, its a pretty big deal for me lol. <br/>thank you all who enjoyed it! it means so much to me seeing how many people enjoyed this and cheered me on and begged me to update, it really made my day/week/month/year, there might be a sequel, who knows. <br/> I have a Hochtner one in the works rn ;)</p>
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